Kink Negotiation in Heated Rivalry
I keep seeing people say that their kink is "undernegotiated" and I think it displays a fundamental misunderstanding of what the word "negotiation" actually means.
If characters are communicating their desires clearly and constantly checking in to see if the other character is still in agreement or whether they've changed their minds, and coming to an agreement, that is a complete and successfull negotiation, regardless of whether it happens verbally or non-verbally.
People are acting as though negotiation doesn't count if it doesn't follow a specific formula laid out in a 300 page bdsm manual, but negotiation was not invented by 300 page bdsm manual in the 1990s. Humans have been negotiating since before language was invented.
And following a manual formula is useless if you don't actually know how to pay attention to your partner and learn how to read them.
I mentioned in another post that all of the text back and forth they have before they meet up is also a form of negotiation. They are quite literally haggling over sex acts like two old biddies at a flea market. Ilya saying, "I don't think is what you want" in the episode 6 blowjob scene is Ilya doing the sex equivalent of asking the guy at the farmer's market if he'll knock an extra $5 off the top if he buys three crates of the strawberries.
That's negotiation! Both parties made their wants and desires clear and 'came' to an agreement.
I think people also have this idea that if people are testing each other's boundaries, that automatically makes the sex dubiously consensual.
But we are talking about two people who literally get off on pushing each other's boundaries, who literally get off on turning sex into a competition and making sex bets that require one party to forefeit something if the bet is lost.
That's their kink! They both fully agreed to participate in their sex-haggling kink together!
Arguing that it's not "real" negotiation or "real" agreement because the sex-haggling kink makes you uncomfortable is just another form of kink shaming.
You don't get to decide for other people that their consensual sex doesn't count as consensual because it's not something you personally would consent to, or because their dynamic isn't something that you personally would feel comfortable with.
They clearly do feel comfortable with their dynamic. They are clearly both having a good time. They clearly understand each other really, really well. They are clearly incredibly sensitive to each other's moment-by-moment wants and needs.
The way BDSM "experts" in this fandom talk about healthy kink sounds less like an encouragement for healthy communication and more like a criticism of any communication that doesn't strictly follow their preferred formula. It's coming across less like they're trying to educate people on safe kink practices and more like they're trying to assume the role of white!Jesus in the "Myth of Consensual Sex" meme.
