i eat so many shrimp i got iodine poisoning

Obama really did say the phrase "we tortured some folks" and now he gets to publish his Spotify Wrapped

Having a body is the scariest thing everrrrrrr what if something happensss

I think id kiss my clone a liiiittle bit...I dunno....maaaaaaybee (me to my uber driver who's driving increasingly unsafe)

kony 2012 was last year

i don’t like when men get too buff. it’s just distracting how obvious it is that you put so much time and effort into it when you should be doing other stuff instead like meditating and cultivating your buddha nature

Polycules should be able to trade people like sports teams do

Listen -- you're a good defender and your pussy is fantastic, but that's not what our team needs right now. We're trading you to Greater Boston in exchange for someone who has a car.