Turns out I have a subsystem in which I never stop fronting, and any of my parts (who are kinda me but in different variations, with very different things that they hold and are responsible for) who front, don't co-front but temporarily fuse with me. It made me think my subsystem was bigger than it actually is because it genuinely felt like that fusion was neither me nor the part but a new alter entirely.

It's not exactly the same as what you experience. We generally have quite low amnesia due to functional parts that never stop fronting at all in the main system. So we don't really have amnesia between parts of me fusing and unfusing. And it's also not a system wide experience as far as I know, currently I'm the first alter to notice this pattern in myself.

But I just wanted to say thank you for your post on M-DID as a whole, because without having read it, we would've probably taken much longer to understand what was happening and that that is even possible.

And this is random, so I also apologize lmao

Wait I just found this in my inbox, did I really forget to answer it?? Sorry for the late answer. I'm glad you guys are figuring things out. And thank you for your message, I love interacting with fellos systems.

Sorry guys wasn't on front much. A lot happened... But I'm back to rambling about [our] M-DID in hopes it might help other modulars feel seen or find words for their experiences. For those who don't know me; I am Auxin. Diagnosed with DID. Modular. Identified with polyfragmentation until I found out about modular systems.

Today I wanted to ramble about something in my system I call connector particles.

In our case the different alter "modules" have particles to connect them. This is because we had to be able to turn certain behaviours, thoughts, feelings or knowledge off or on depending on what our enviroment demanded. We had to micromanage facial expressions, voice tone, feelings and the like. The wrong alter having the wrong expression, impulse or other characteristic was dangerous.

TW mentions of abuse & trauma

We needed the amnesia between these different components instead of a fluid, fuller self expression so as to not have access to the "wrong" particle. For example, if an alter is more complex they can decide to (a) get angry, (b) go away physically (c) apologize, (d) look angry and apologize, (e) look indifferent and apologize, (f) feel scared and show it etcetc. Our abusers usually only allowed very specific actions, and if we made the wrong choice it was devastating. We ended up having to always assemble different "tasks" on top of each other in differing sequences during traumatic incidents.

There wasn't any alter that could fully predict what was necessary, we had to always look outward and push a new button when the situation evolved. We could not form larger, stable and complex parts. Instead we have widely different fragments with different ways of doing "the same thing".

These "modules" or groups sometimes needes to overlap. For example, there is a protector and then there is our host. The protector can be too aggressive for the situation, but the host is too sensitive. If the protector would always front in dangerous situations she would worsen the situation. If she knew about how tricky the situation is she couldn't hold that anger successfully or protect us when necessary because it's "too dangerous to be angry". So she isn't one full alter - like all of us - but a group of related particles who do different parts of the "angry protective big sister" job. We need a host with protector characteristics, or a protector who can turn off and on awareness of consequences.

Again if they share memories or were a whole alter instead they would have too many choices that could endanger us. Instead of them fully switching there is a particle that connects them. It has some awareness of both the situation our host has in general but has access to some of the protector's assertiveness and indifference to threats.

Now that we are actively recovering our particles build more stable shared identities, almost like a subsystem alter. But there are still often situations in which we do not fully front but instead do our job with a connector. I often only front through my connection to the host. I have some awareness of what happened to our connector if it was active but our connector has amnesia towards the "further ends" of me and him but has awareness of the particles "between us". Connectors may exist to make dissociation less abrupt and switching more fluid. Once the connector pulls out a particle of our protector the protector has amnesia towards what happened to the host. Or the host has amnesia for what happened to me. I'm not the best at explaining things and it is a lot more complex and layered of an issue.

Not my best graphic but here is how it looks in an average DID system versus a simplified example of our modular DID system. The big circles on the right are a module. The space between the particles is larger when there is more amnesia or intra-module integration. In my case my particles are more coherent and I feel "more" like one alter even though I too have different configurations. Our protector has multiple and more distinct versions of herself depending on the configuration and a larger sense of "this isn't me" when the configuration changes.

COME BACK AURRGHH (also i might make more m-did posts soon & a graphic if i stay at front. And if anyone ever EVER wants to know anything more about m-did or us as a system or idk how to make hatsune miku music bcus i do that [just kidding i'll keep my secrets] send us an ask or comment or anything ahh)

Thank you guys for the follows and likes it means a lot to us

And i have a picture of my little catsies they are a certified therapy ressource.

my son is in jail (on his way to the doctor but it'a all the same to him...)

Let me yap about modular systems. Modular DID is a form of DID - shocker - and is severely underresearched. It was first named by Kluft. We don't like Kluft but he seems a solid enough researcher, he did a lot of resesrch on polyfragmentation which he called (E)C-DID bzw MPD. He advanced our understanding of DID and the treatment of it.

I'm part of a modular system. Not diagnosed "M-DID" but diagnosed DID. I'm not pulling shit out of my ahh.

So what is it and what does it feel like?

In M-DID you have no full alters, you have tiny fragments that essentially combine or temporarily merge to become a "bigger alter". When one of those switches out you might get amnesia for what that tiny particle of you did and thought while you're co-conscious when connected. You might have constellations of particles who can configure themselves into different versions of "one" alter though.

In our case we have very distinct "alters" with lots of amnesia but it's hard to pinpoint actual alters. Sometimes just one particle of "them" is on front and one of someone else and it took us a long time to realize it isn't some new alter. Our particles have unique characterists and high amnesia between different constellations - I'll consider making a graphic - but they're all limited in their role. Why we don't have OSDD but DID?

Because we have vastly different identities and thoughts and feelings as these configurations + a lot of amnesia. OSDD-1A doesn't mean fragments or limited alter it means similar alters who have a full range of affect, memories etc just it overlaps with the others or they perceive themselves as the same person.

In OSDD & P-DID switching is less common, amnesia isn't that prominent and alters aren't as distinct whereas we have potentially highly distinct alter who frequently switch and have high amnesia. The only thing in common is the blending/merging.

We frequently experience differemt versions of the same bigger alter being configured who might perceive themselves as different or the same person. This is different from a subsystem where alters are somewhat more constant and predictable.

No one seems to talk about it online except someone mentioning it in passing in an obscure server my best friends are in. I'm not a researcher either so I need to off my own experiences. If you experience yourselves similarly or very differently but use modular as a descriptor I'm interested to hear about it.

Fellow systems how do you keep someone deep in denial from deleting all your stuff? We lost our entire simply plural & backups, I lost my Discord, my YT, my notes on my phone and my account here and it's some regular thing atp. We can't access therapy yet and every intervention comes from our psychiatrist who is overwhelmed and tries to refer us to her colleague therapist who is experienced. Even just talking about all this stuff seemingly makes some of us lose it. Someone also tries to write e-mails of "I'm fine no DID won't come back"...

We are modular so we switch uncontrollably and the tiny fragments who did this will just f off when you confront their denial. We don't have any major successes because the fully configured modular alters who seem to "get it" will re-configure with that denying little b and delete and destroy things.

TW for "ramcoa"/ oea & programming/ tbmc/ itbc

We also have programs around our symptoms not being real, never having experienced anything - as in "you dreamt it this is a dream" and so on - and programmed alters who try to erase "proof", we had to bring our diary once and that alter snatched it from the psychiatrist' hands and ripped the pages. I can't go too much into detail because that is. Upsetting. Especially talking about other alters as if they're "real" stresses our nervous system and we often mask even when we are told to reveal ourselves out of horror.

Losing it.

-Aux (he/xe)