Sorry guys wasn't on front much. A lot happened... But I'm back to rambling about [our] M-DID in hopes it might help other modulars feel seen or find words for their experiences. For those who don't know me; I am Auxin. Diagnosed with DID. Modular. Identified with polyfragmentation until I found out about modular systems.
Today I wanted to ramble about something in my system I call connector particles.
In our case the different alter "modules" have particles to connect them. This is because we had to be able to turn certain behaviours, thoughts, feelings or knowledge off or on depending on what our enviroment demanded. We had to micromanage facial expressions, voice tone, feelings and the like. The wrong alter having the wrong expression, impulse or other characteristic was dangerous.
TW mentions of abuse & trauma
We needed the amnesia between these different components instead of a fluid, fuller self expression so as to not have access to the "wrong" particle. For example, if an alter is more complex they can decide to (a) get angry, (b) go away physically (c) apologize, (d) look angry and apologize, (e) look indifferent and apologize, (f) feel scared and show it etcetc. Our abusers usually only allowed very specific actions, and if we made the wrong choice it was devastating. We ended up having to always assemble different "tasks" on top of each other in differing sequences during traumatic incidents.
There wasn't any alter that could fully predict what was necessary, we had to always look outward and push a new button when the situation evolved. We could not form larger, stable and complex parts. Instead we have widely different fragments with different ways of doing "the same thing".
These "modules" or groups sometimes needes to overlap. For example, there is a protector and then there is our host. The protector can be too aggressive for the situation, but the host is too sensitive. If the protector would always front in dangerous situations she would worsen the situation. If she knew about how tricky the situation is she couldn't hold that anger successfully or protect us when necessary because it's "too dangerous to be angry". So she isn't one full alter - like all of us - but a group of related particles who do different parts of the "angry protective big sister" job. We need a host with protector characteristics, or a protector who can turn off and on awareness of consequences.
Again if they share memories or were a whole alter instead they would have too many choices that could endanger us. Instead of them fully switching there is a particle that connects them. It has some awareness of both the situation our host has in general but has access to some of the protector's assertiveness and indifference to threats.
Now that we are actively recovering our particles build more stable shared identities, almost like a subsystem alter. But there are still often situations in which we do not fully front but instead do our job with a connector. I often only front through my connection to the host. I have some awareness of what happened to our connector if it was active but our connector has amnesia towards the "further ends" of me and him but has awareness of the particles "between us". Connectors may exist to make dissociation less abrupt and switching more fluid. Once the connector pulls out a particle of our protector the protector has amnesia towards what happened to the host. Or the host has amnesia for what happened to me. I'm not the best at explaining things and it is a lot more complex and layered of an issue.
Not my best graphic but here is how it looks in an average DID system versus a simplified example of our modular DID system. The big circles on the right are a module. The space between the particles is larger when there is more amnesia or intra-module integration. In my case my particles are more coherent and I feel "more" like one alter even though I too have different configurations. Our protector has multiple and more distinct versions of herself depending on the configuration and a larger sense of "this isn't me" when the configuration changes.
All the circles are an entire particle alter, who has their own awareness and an amnesia barrier inside and outside their group UNLESS they are active with their group. If the Auxin particles identity and interest in DID are together I am at front interested in psychology. If a particle of our host is on front too we are cofronting. If the "interest in psychology" particle leaves I am fully amnesiac for what they did and seemingly "lose" this characteristic. I barely remember what it felt like and it feels foreign or uncomfortable.