I don’t know where else to say it because I can’t really tell anyone in my life and it’s also a holiday and I don’t want to ruin any of my friends’ days so…
I feel so fucking alone dealing with OCD. I feel like no one understands how truly hard and distressing this is for me. How disruptive it is and how anxiety inducing it is. One of my biggest themes is that I’m really scared that the people I love are bad people. I think it’s ultimately linked to my fear of being alone, because if my partner and my family are bad people, then I truly have no one in my life…
And it’s really hard to talk to them about that, I understand. It’s hard for them to hear, it’s hard for them to endure my intrusive thoughts about them. I’m supposed to not seek reassurance, but it’s so fucking hard. I’m trying to stop for them, but sometimes I can’t help myself. I know it’s torturous for them as well. I’m not here to act like they’re doing something wrong and I’m not. They’re incredible supportive, as much as they can be.
I just feel so fucking alone. Especially when my therapist and ERP tells me not to seek reassurance. And when I do reach my skills breaking point, and I have to seek reassurance, I understand it can be offensive for the person who is being interrogated about their character.
I just don’t know what to do… I’m rambling. But I feel really sad and alone on this holiday. I feel like I need to hide myself, but it’s a part of myself that I hate as well. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
kianamaiart
snowghoul
gummygunk
blakekathryn
theartofmadeline
