The Book of Nick: Adventures Backstage

Bear with me for this one and if you are going to read this post at all, read it to the end because it’s a journey.

The other day, when Philly released the Pride Flag that included brown and black within the colors, I had mixed feelings. Why? because I was a little annoyed at first but didn’t want to share that because it felt like white privilege and I didn’t want to come off like that. I realize that in itself is a very “white privilege” thing to say...but in order to make my ultimate point, I have to be honest. Even about the ugly parts of myself/thought process. 

Basically I was confused about what to feel and even though it’s not wrong to have feelings, I wasn’t sure the ones I was having were right.

But then I did a little thinking. Why was I so annoyed? Well, taking a little trip down memory lane and looking at my own rainbow journey: for so long I rejected the flag, I tried to ignore that part of myself. And when I finally did accept myself, I still rejected the idea of “pride.” 

It wasn’t until two things happened that I came to love that part of the community and myself. First, I found out what the Pride flag meant: it didn’t mean pride in sleeping with other men (which is what my naive self thought at first) it meant pride in not being ashamed of yourself. Each color represented something specific: ( Red-Life, Orange-Healing, Yellow-Sunlight, Green-Nature, Blue-Serenity/Magic/Art,Violet-Spirit).

Secondly, I really finally just accepted myself and realized I wasn’t ashamed of any part of me. So now, every time I look at the flag, I get that feeling in my gut where I just want to scream at the world “I am not less than you, I am me and I am here, and get on board or get out of my way!” It’s become very motivational.

Then Philly goes and changes the flag. And after my personal issues, I thought that they were changing the meaning of the flag - adding those two colors, to me, made the flag about race - something it never was about. It already was an over arcing symbol of the entire community. Or so my white brain thought.

AND THEN, I started reading posts and articles that, instead of taking an aggressive “If you hate the new flag YOU’RE the problem” attitude (Seriously that is not the way to have a conversation), but citing personal examples. People of color being excluded from bars, the horribly common comment so many gay white men and women say: “I’m just not into black guys.” and how all this has the backdrop of the rainbow flag. So it never gave these LGBT men and women the feeling of pride it gave the rest of us...because of things we did.

So I started some research because, well, I like to know things (and then promptly forget about specifics a couple weeks later.) Basically, the pride flag has already changed over the years. First, there used to be hot pink at the top that represented Sex. That went away because, according to wikipedia, the fabric was no longer available. In that same flag were turquoise (for Magic/Art) and Indigo (For serenity) which were merged to Royal Blue because, apparently, when hung vertically one of the colors was blocked by another pole and this fixed that. Obviously these were VERY important and significant reasons to change the flag. (Please sense the sarcasm in that statement).

WHAM. Hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew exactly how to feel after reading those types of statements: PRIDE. The new colors were not about a specific race, they stood for diversity and inclusion. Something that, within a community that on a whole is marginalized, is sadly missing. This change was actually being done for an important reason. I looked at that flag again and my feelings of misgiving were gone and replaced with those feelings of pride I have looking at the 6 color flag from before. 

I also at first had a little shame over my initial thoughts. But that passed. Honestly, I needed to feel those things, I needed to not agree with it because I needed this little journey. I had to recognize the inherent racism within myself in order to address it and overcome it and realize it was part of a problem. I had to learn that about myself so I can, hopefully, become a part of the solution.

Now, my only issue is the order...the black and brown together look out of place, as an artist I feel the aesthetic of the flag would do better to have the brown and black split and on either side of the rest of the colors, kind of hugging the rest of flag in a warm embrace of inclusion. But, they didn’t ask me to design it so it is what it is.

So, now maybe I’m just being self-indulgent writing this post. But, you know what? It is my flag too and if it’s gonna change, I should be able to comment on it...have a conversation...and learn to accept it. And maybe this post will help someone accept it too.