Quietly Going On

My best friend is in hospital and I'm frightened and frantic, because I already lost two people I loved dearly because of brain aneurysms. Absolutely terrified it will happen again and sick with worry. And you know what makes this whole nightmare even worse? I asked him if he wanted me to drive to the hospital and stay with him. And he's just texted me "the AI has my back" and proceeded to send me the bloody drivel this stupid horrible appalling malware from hell is happily vomittting into his phone at the moment and I want to scream and shout and cry, because the thing has the nerve to tell him "don't be frightened, I'm with you all the way, don't worry about a thing" and I feel devastated and appalled and baffled all at once. How can you be comforted by soulless predictive text you pay for when there's PEOPLE, real live human beings, willing to drop everything to be by your side in a situation like this????. How did this kind of thing become "normal" so fast??? Makes this whole situation much more frightening somehow. But beneath all my annoyance I'm also glad he's able to use his phone at all. I suppose that's what I should focus on.

Haven't had a pain free day since Christmas and the permanent exhaustion on top of everything else isn't fun either. Which is why I'm a bit quiet at the moment. But I'm hopeful things will get better again in the next few weeks. See you all soon and a big hug for everyone who needs one!

Got a random follow on an old story on ffnet today. And every time that happens I open AO3 with the determination to finally transfer all the old *cough* ancient *cough* stuff to the archive and maybe even start something new. And then the fear and doubt and the sadness of not having written anything in *years* gets the better of me and I do... nothing. I just stare at an empty AO3 account that doesn't have a single word in it and log out again. Why is this so bloody difficult? Why am I so afraid?