give me two damn minutes and i'll be fine

Also we Need to keep shallergies going strong until at least the end of September when I find out if I'm fructose intolerant because you know if I get diagnosed Shane's getting diagnosed too 🤝

HELL YEAH

and listen

when he was crashing out about trading to ottawa, he said, "You know, it's just gonna be really hard to leave melissa," and hayden was sitting right there like. "melissa?? it's gonna be hard to leave MELISSA??"

melissa barging into ottawa's offices and just handing over a contract for her employment.

"um, excuse me, ma'am, who ar-"

"i have kept shane hollander alive and fed his for almost his entire nhl career, and i have invested too much time to stop now."

"but ma'am, we-"

"no more questions. sign."

obviously she's a dietician with a specialty in athletes which means the primary concerns of her patients are 1. need All The Fucking Calories and 2. need All The Fucking Protein, but in my heart, she is the flavor of dietician who focuses also on enjoyment and satiety (fun fact: you actually digest food better and get more nutrition out of food you like eating). like you're going to eventually get sick of how much you have to eat by the time you're 3/4 of the way through the season, but by GOD WILL SHE TRY TO MAKE THINGS ENJOYABLE AS LONG AS SHE CAN.

so she meets 20 year old shane who already comes into this meeting apologetic because he KNOWS this is all specific and it's a pain to have aversions when he already has allergies to work around, so he doesn't mind a lot of repetition when-

and melissa is just ✋ i did not put in the work to get this degree only to suck at this job. let's talk texture preferences.

shane the day melissa finds out her dietetic magnum opus is out here RECREATIONALLY POISONING HIMSELF like she doesn't have a fucking DOSSIER on his ass crafted over YEARS of trial and error and research and innovation

SHE HAND-SELECTS MENUS BASED ON HOW STRESSED YOU ARE AT ANY GIVEN POINT IN THE SEASON AND BASED ON THE WIN/LOSS BALANCE OF THE TEAM BECAUSE ANXIETY MAKES YOU NAUSEOUS SO YOU NEED ADJUSTED FLAVOR PROFILES AND THE SECOND YOU'RE OUT OF HER DIRECT SUPERVISION, YOU FUCK AROUND????

my tags and then @meghan-maria's tags because i have received wisdom from the great beyond that shane was SO apologetic and so ready to just take whatever melissa picked for him that she actively has him report back on the meals with what he thinks about them and if he liked them or not and what he would want to change because she wants to encourage healthy ideas about food and being able to enjoy them and not having to apologize for "melissa, please don't make me eat quinoa the texture is Bad melissa i am so tired of quinoa", WHICH MEANS.

shane has a snapchat that is ONLY to send melissa his meals and thoughts. she is the only person he has on there. he sends them to her daily with his thoughts after he eats his mealpreps and snacks.

but this ALSO means that when he gets drunk, brain is still going "gotta tell melissa". and i am CACKLING at the idea of shane out with the team after the first cup win sending a fucking. BARELY in frame, very blurry because he can't hold the phone still, can barely hear him over the noise of the bar video on snapchat that's just, "mmmm so. oh, hi melissa! it's shane. ummmm so there's fries, which are potatoes, so one of the highest satiety factors but fried so ummm i don't know. also there's mushrooms" *the fastest and blurriest camera pan of all time that maybe showed fried mushrooms and maybe didn't because there is truly no way to tell* "but umm. gross. i had a sandwich. it was-hayden what was the sandwich?" *equally drunk hayden making this video even more motion sickness to watch as he grabs shane and shakes him a little bit* "it was FUCKING DELICIOUS, BUDDY. that's what it was!" "no, hayd! this is for melissa. i have to tell her." (he does not. shane, baby, the season is over and this is you eating bar food). "oh, it was chicken and something." "melissa, it was chicken and something. and it had avocado so bad, but i got cheese. fat with protein. okay bye. oh also salad. because fiber, and, um, micronutrients. okay bye."

melissa saves it and it is her favorite thing to watch on hard days when she needs to laugh.

and melissa has been SO proud of shane's development over time. because he did come in with some behaviors that were a little concerning, and through dedication and being That Fucking Good at her job, they've really managed together to find a good balance for shane between feeling like he is adaquately fueling himself for peak performance but also ENJOYING food. this supports his nutritional requirements AND it's tasty. he can have both things! it's okay to like your food! it doesn't have to be penance!

and i am imagining melissa's heart hurting so much watching shane sloooowly falling victim to not expressing preferences because everything feels bad right now and restriction over food and being able to muscle through makes him feel like he has control over something. and he's hitting macros and calories and on paper is eating Fine. but he's not enjoying it. his snapchats and texts are now questions about protein and bioavailability and supplements and not, "was this the same sauce as the one last month?? it tasted really good." or "the texture of the chicken was weird when it was cooked like that. can we change it? i liked when it was cut really thin in last week's grain bowl."

and like. what can she do? she can offer choices and lean on the information she's gathered from years of working with him, but she doesn't have control over the team or management. she can make her office a safe space for him to be in, but the second he's out that door, she can't do anything. and he's her client, yes, but she's gotten very fond of him over their years together and getting to watch his life get better because of working with her, and now he's hurting and restricting himself and there's nothing she can do about it because this team has become bad for him.

and now i am thinking about what a difference it would make if melissa took him aside towards the end of the season to have a very genuine conversation of, "i know this isn't my place on this team and i'd probably get fired for saying it, but you aren't happy here, shane, and if you need to go somewhere else where you can be happy and healthy, i think you should consider making that choice."

and shane has to admit to this VERY deep and personal relationship with melissa (SIGNIFICANTLY: DOESN'T SAY HER JOB. JUST SAYS "oh, melissa likes to make sure i'm eating okay on the road" BECAUSE DOESN'T THINK TO CLARIFY WHO MELISSA IS. SHE'S MELISSA.) and ilya is lowkey highkey very jealous about it (ilya ffs), so we get a microdose of the rose jealousy that in this soft little bubble makes ilya want to dibs shane because HE isn't getting snapchats of what shane is eating all day. someone else?? has something with shane that he doesn't??? unac-fucking-ceptable.

so ilya kicks this bf rp up to fucking ELEVEN, and shane gets put at ease because melissa's response is, "oooh, tasty! looks like those are the good pickles, too!" so now melissa has cosigned at least one element of today, so it feels a little more comfortable. and like. he knows that contacting his dietician so often is probably Not Normal, but ilya?? doesn't make fun of him for it?? not genuinely at least?? (again: ILYA DOES NOT KNOW SHE IS A DIETICIAN. HE THINKS MELISSA IS A GIRL SHANE IS TALKING TO ENOUGH THAT SHE GETS SNAPCHATS ABOUT WHAT HE'S EATING EVEN *AT ILYA'S HOUSE*.) at dinner, he even pushes shane's plate towards him at a better angle with, "melissa will want to know this also?"

and what ILYA thinks he's doing is staking a claim against melissa. yeah, sure, you get pictures of what shane is eating. but ilya is MAKING what shane is eating. en garde, harlot. 🖕

and also!! because of when this happened!! ilya doesn't ask the you like girls question because the answer would appear to be YES. what he asks instead is, "you message melissa often?" because again! HE thinks this is someone shane is potentially seeing!

and shane (WHO THINKS HE'S JUST ANSWERING ABOUT HIS DIETICIAN) answers, "yeah, pretty often. she says she likes it, though. she gets worried when i DON'T message her a few times a day haha. she's really nice."

and ilya is fucking SEETHING with jealousy. in his home!!! texting a woman!!! outrageous!!!

but also the nudge he needs to try and push for a little bit more with shane because oh!! this feels bad!!! the potential of someone taking him feels bad!!! and it's a little scary but today has been SO fucking nice. so ilya just wants a LITTLE claim! a little assurance that shane won't up and ghost him one day for fucking MELISSA.

so that night (because again! no talk that ended in the first names meltdown!), they're in bed and it's dark and ilya SO casually guys. SO casual. he's SO casual y'all. is just, "this is nice, yes?" and for shane?? yeah, actually. he did have to bring up his allergies because melissa noticed he's in someone's house and was curious so he said he was at a friend's, and melissa saw something in the background and was like, "did you let them know that almond butter better stay WELL away from anything for you?" which prompted shane into "hmmmmmm better mention this big thing for the first time in years", and then ilya?? was so nice about it?? scolded him for not saying something but in a way that was obviously not actually mad at him but then put allergens away?? and also is so cool about shane's maybe-dependent relationship with his dietician??

and it's a reminder that ilya is a place where it's safe for him to be a little off and not perfect and it's actually really nice to be with him like this. he hadn't know if it would be until it happened, but today?? was pretty great??

so when ilya asks if shane would like to do this more often, his answer is yes.

i see this and raise you: melissa ends up accidentally being the first person in the world to know about hollanov because ilya after he decides on Time To Get Fucking Serious starts researching allergies because melissa (the ENEMY) might get pictures of shane's food, but ilya will MAKE food. he is WINNING this fight.

and in the course of researching allergies, he gets in his own head about allergen contamination and the fact that allergens can cause reactions in semen if someone is sensitive enough, so he goes to HIS team's nutrition department to ask questions and adjust his meals to be allergy-friendly with the excuse of an allergic girl he's seeing a lot, and the dietician on the team is ?? wow?? that's a lot of restrictions. hmmmm. and then has a lightbulb moment of "oh! doesn't melissa over on montreal's team do a lot of work with allergies?? she gave a presentation at a conference a couple of years ago. let me send her an email."

and listen! melissa fucking LOVES allergies and adjustments. there's a limit to how much she'll do for a rival team, but yeah, she can at least point you in the right direction for the sake of not accidentally killing whatever poor woman thinks she's going to lock down infamous womanizer ilya rozanov. go ahead and send over her-

...huh. this list looks. Pretty Fucking Familiar.

GOD ilya manages to track down A Melissa through the grapevine because whispers on the team are that shane is in love with a melissa who's on staff, so he narrows it down to the three melissas and because of his impeccable gaydar dismisses registered dietician melissa because Oh For Sure Not Into Men, which leaves communications office melissa and legal department melissa. through stalking instagram for an amount of time he will NEVER admit to, he decides that communications office melissa is faithful to her boyfriend who pops up on her story regularly, but legal department melissa appears SUSPICIOUSLY single. also! has multiple pictures on her instagram of meals at restaurants!! the harlot!! he found her!! she's got a thing for food! it all makes sense! (ilya, for the love of god).

my head's not yours, it's mine

You know, every time I draw something stupid, I think to myself "surely I can't top this!" And then somehow I draw something even dumber

6'4" viking vampire who owns a leather strip club and hates nazis

6'5" werewolf played by Big Dick Richie (iykyk) who hates nazis

bff since childhood who is so sexy and also yoked and also canonically into women