❃ nepomenovaná ❃

nechala som tie spomienky újsť

už dávno je to všetko len ilúzia

stratená a zabudnutá

tak ako všetko to, čo som vtedy cítila

alebo sa mýlim?

prečo to doteraz cítim,

tak intenzívne,

akoby sa to stalo len dnes?

prečo nie som schopná

jednoducho zabudnúť?

prečo je to všetko stále také čerstvé?

čerstvé ako mladá láska,

ktorá dokáže zmeniť svet?

nebojácna láska,

ktorá nám prúdi celým telom

tkvie v našich myšlienkach a pocitoch

každý deň, každú noc.

nebojí sa ničoho,

ona je silnejšia než akákoľvek prekážka

ona prekoná i neprekonateľné,

nemá hraníc

a každým dňom naberá na svojej sile

prečo je také náročné

zabiť všetky tieto pocity,

myšlienky,

či spomienky?

prečo musím zabiť samú seba,

aby som zabila teba?

prečo ma nenecháš odísť?

prečo ma tu neustále držíš,

keď už nevládzem rozprávať,

plakať,

ani dýchať?

stále cítim

presne to, čo som cítila kedysi

a obávam sa,

i feel myself

falling again

i feel myself

losing it again

i feel myself

not feeling again

it was all

fun and games

until i started to

fear my reflexion

again

it was all

okay

until i started to

see all the changes

in my appearance

again

now though,

it is not okay,

it is nowhere near that

i am not okay

i need to feel

the control again

i need to feel

the relief again

i need to feel

my lightness again

fuck what people think

fuck what they say

fuck how some say

that i look okay

and fuck how some say

that i look different

and especially

fuck how some say

that i look huge

that i take too much space

when i am standing

or sitting

fuck all that

it has always been

a battle

between my mind

and my body

the only difference is

that this time

i am here

for the win

—

i am truly sorry about this one. i am just struggling with myself right now and i needed to put my suffering into words. if you understand this poem and especially if you relate to it, please, take care. you are not alone. ever. even when it feels like the whole world is falling and everything is crashing. even then, you are not alone.

why am i always

like this?

why am i always

overanalyzing

overthinking

oversharing

why can not

my brain function

normally

and safely?

why can i not

just make this pain

be over?

sometimes, i wonder,

i just should not even be

i should not even exist

i should, perhaps, end myself

but other times, though,

i want to fight

these demons inside me,

kill them,

make this be over

in that way

i want

this pain

you used to

pick me up

all the time

each morning

we went to school

together

each afternoon

you would drive me

to your place

where we would

just keep cuddling

spending time

together

after some time

has passed

she came, and oh baby

she took my place

she is the one

sitting in the

front seat

now

she is the one

you pick up

each morning

each afternoon

and there is no

turning back now

because, the thing is

that you have

screwed me over

way too badly

and even though

i daydream

about the front seat

sometimes

in the end

i am glad

that it is not

my place

in your car

even though i feel

as though

there is not

a single person

who would understand

how i feel right now

i am still somehow

holding on

i am still

breathing

i am still

here

even though

i would much rather

just escape this suffering

i simply can not

people keep telling me

how far i have come

but the truth is

that i am still

stuck at one

helpless place

one helpless nightmare

that keeps repeating

with every single breath

i take

i can not even

imagine what life feels like

anymore

i feel lost

in a world where i simply

just do not belong

i feel as though

i am a broken machine

a broken piece of glass

a broken person

who can not be cured

by any means

i feel as though

i do not even deserve

to breathe this air

which does not belong to me

it feels like

if i simply just was not

somebody else could breathe

the air

that i am breathing

right now

and it would serve

a way better purpose

than i served

my whole life

altogether

i feel as though

i do not even feel

i am empty

i am broken

i am helpless

i can not

be trusted

in anything

i can not

be helped

or cured

or saved

and at this point

of my life

i simply just

do not want to

be

—

i am very sorry for how depressing this brain dump was. i am even more sorry if anyone relates to this. i am not going to tell you that everything is going to be fine. i am not, because sometimes things just aren't going to be fine. and i think it's better to be prepared for the worst possible scenario than have high expectations from things or people which/who simply just won't bring us what we need.

this poem or whatever you may call it was written from the very bottom of my heart and mind. i don't think i even can be even more honest than i was while writing this. and once again, i'm sorry.

i thought that

running is brave

i thought that

screaming would help

i thought that

dying means escape

but i was wrong

running only

made me exhausted

screaming only

made me silent

dying only

made the pain worse

maybe i was

the wrong person

to judge what is

right and what is

wrong

maybe i should have

tried to look for

good people

in good places

perhaps i could have

discovered

the undiscovered

perhaps i could have

found

the hidden

perhaps i could have

met

the unknown

if only i

would not have been

so harmful

towards myself

if only i

did not hurt

my own skin

my own mind

my own heart

i should not have

walked barefoot

on ice

if only i did not

burn my feet

on ice

if only i did not

walk barefoot

on ice

my heart would still be

warm

and loving

but now it is just

cold

i thought i knew

what being loved

by you

feels like

but the truth is

that you never loved me

like that

you never loved me

like i was the one

and only

like i meant

the whole world to you

and once you met her

i suddenly knew

what being loved by you

is like

but i didn't know it

because you loved me

i knew it

because of the way you loved her

surely i was never the one

but

all the things you said to me

all the things you did to me

remember

when you asked me

whether i would marry you?

i guess you did not belong

to me

and i did not belong

to you

when you met her

but i still think of you

as of a cheater

the problem is

that you are too pure

too immaculate

you are

an immaculate

cheater

but i will never

forget you

or stop loving you

so i hope you will be happy

even if it is

we are here

sitting in silence

both struggling with

all these demons

that haunt us

but we are here

we are holding on

we are full of art

full on things

worth exploring

we are crazy

in a beautiful way

we have big dreams

ambitions

we want to

take over the world

not the world as it is

we want to take over

our world

we are crazy

in a beautiful way

we don't want to

fall apart

we only want each other

by our side

even though it is not possible

because our emotions

are way too strong

we are damaging each other

by staying together

yet we want it

we crave it

we are crazy

in a beautiful way

i guess i will never

let you go

i guess i am

crazy

when you suffer every single minute

when you can't sleep at night

when you can't enjoy anything

when you struggle to keep on breathing

what are you going to do

when you breathe in

but nothing happens

and your heart stops

because

there is no more oxygen

in the air?

what are you going to do

when you take a step

forward

but you fall

because

there is no more ground

underneath your feet?

what are you going to do

when you open your eyes

but you see nothing

because you got blinded by

all your selfishness

and carelessness?

what are you going to do

when you lose me?

because, you see

i am your oxygen

your ground

and your vision

i am you

what would you do

without me?

what would you do

without you?

what are you going to do

when you become

personless?

all i ever wanted

was for you to tell me that

i am not a worthy person

i am not as good as you want me to be

i am not as true as i should be

all i ever wanted

was for you to leave me

because, you see,

i wanted to suffer

i wanted to feel the pain

i wanted to fall again

just to make you happy

all i ever wanted

was to see you fly

to see you grow

to see you live

and love

someone else

because, you see,

i wanted you to live the life

you so truly deserve

you have, indeed,

hurt me a whole lot

but, you see,

all that pain

all the back stabbing

all the arguing

all of that is nothing

in comparison

to seeing you unhappy

so, my love,

i will never forget you

i will never forget

the things we have done

all the good memories

as well as the bad ones

but thank you

for leaving me

for setting yourself free

and letting yourself fly again

thank you

"so i have arrived, so far i didn't do much because there isn't much to do. actually scratch that, there is NOTHING to do"

"i had an anxiety attack so i was given an injection"

"my nice roommate left, what a shame, i never got the chance to teach her how to solve sudoku"

"i didn't agree with being tied up, yet i was"

"from now on, i'm just gonna stay quiet"

"i just got my infusion"

"i woke up, i went for a smoke and i got ready for the day"

"no matter who you are or where you come from. whether you came on your own, with your family or whether the abulance or the police brought you. the point stays the same. you're here"

"i'm thinking about you, what you are doing and whether you're thinking about me too"

"i had a terrible nightmare last night"

"it's almost 6am and everyone seems to be waking up slowly"

"i couldn't sleep last night"

"everything is spinning"

"they gave me "food" infusions again"

"i wanna go home"

"i'm going home"

if you ever feel down

for whatever reason

it might be that someone

has let you down

or hurt you

or you just feel

empty

depressed

anxious

angry

or maybe just numb

make it art

let yourself

feel the pain

and express it

i know that it's

the very last thing

you would want to do then

but hear me out

you can manage this

and i'm not talking about

drawing or painting

singing or dancing

writing stories or poems

i'm talking about fighting it

with grace

and attitude

because, believe me,

you are a piece of art

so make your suffering

into a piece of art too

make your demons

the biggest masterpiece

this world has ever seen

art does not always show

just the pretty things

so do not worry

to show the world

the art inside you

the art you fight with

every day

make it art

instead of pure suffering

ever since you fucked up

i felt like i deserve more

and like i am worthy of better things

better experiences

better people

better treatment

so thank you

for making me realize this

ever since you fucked up

i felt like you're not the one for me

and in fact

you really aren't

you don't deserve

the loving heart of mine

you're not worth it

so thank you

for making me realize this

ever since you fucked up

i felt lonely

and broken

because you hurt me so badly

and the wounds were just

way too deep

and fresh

but at least i finally knew

what real mental pain is

so thank you

for making me realize this

ever since you fucked up

i felt free

i felt like flying

i didn't feel like dying

i felt amazing, actually

only thanks to you, my dear

so thank you

for making me feel this way

thank you

for making me realize

that i can, in fact

feel better

so ever since you fucked up

i'm thankful

thank you

i have to let you go

i have to let this be

i have to focus on

the good memories

but also accept the fact

that they're just memories

they aren't real anymore

you aren't real anymore

i have to get this over with

as soon as possible

because it is the only way

that won't make me hurt anymore

or maybe it will

but it will definitely hurt less

than staying in this relationship

for any longer

letting go

sometimes really is

inevitable

sometimes we all just need to

do you ever feel like me?

do you ever just

wonder why?

why you have to take pills

in order to function?

not even function normally,

function in a sense that

you can get through each day?

do you ever feel powerless?

weak?

because you have to put chemicals

in your body

so you wouldn't end your life?

do you ever just

want to give up?

because you're ashamed

and embarrassed

of what you've become?

you became a poorly functioning body

with even poorer mind

and there's nothing

you can do about it

you just have to keep going

through each day

medicated

pathetic, you think

but maybe it's not

maybe you're special

and strong

because you actually suffer

and yet you are still here

reading this poor poem

you are here

about to start your day

or you're in the middle of it

or you're just about to go to bed

after another exhausting day

now tell me,

aren't you actually so powerful?

for choosing to stay

instead of simply just

giving up?

i think that you are truly strong

even though

you became so distant

you are someone else now

you've changed

to a point when

i don't even recognize you

anymore

perhaps i should

be happy for you

perhaps i should

wish you all the best

perhaps i should

let you go

but i can't

simply just let you go

you mean too much

you always did

but now, i don't mean

much to you

she does though

and i'm jealous

i'm freaking out

i'm broken

but what kind of situation is this?

when she doesn't want you

but you want her

and you don't want me

but i want you?

i just want you to know

that you'll always mean so much

and that i'll always love you

because a person like you

can't be forgotten

or unloved

you're too special

too unique

too smart

too pretty

too unforgettable

so, this one was for you

happy birthday

i hope you don't actually read this

but if you do

i'm sorry ...

i'm sorry that

i can't help my feelings

you know that i was

never good at that

and in my mind

you'll always be

the sun