I love that the ibuprofen knows where to go

hi im your cat do you mind if i touch your coffee. do you mind if i put my whole foot in your coffee

dude your brave and loyal knight fucking bit me

“migraine with aura” sounds so cool . like some sort of ability. but it is in fact not cool at all

the idea that your friends won't like you if you're too weird is wrong for example one time I told a friend whenever I was losing my mind I laid down on the floor under my desk and stared at it until I was better and next time she visited me she taped a bag of salami snacks to the underside of my desk with a message saying "going insane all by yourself, handsome?" which I only saw months later when I had a breakdown. that's friendship.

i could be the person who changes the stoplights. red. yellow. green. red. yellow. green. it comes naturally to me

reblog to give a lesbian a cup of hot chocolate

if Sherlock Holmes was a tumblr user he’d be like prev reblog I noticed you tagged this gifset of Ryan Gosling in the Barbie movie trailer with “I want to *** *** *****” which you likely wanted us to interpret with a vague sexual meaning however three weeks ago you posted that you were researching Greek myths for fun and ever since then you have “coincidentally” used prometheus as a topic in several of your funnyguy posts that only got 200 notes and coupled with your love of birds I can only assume that your tag actually meant “eat his liver” and that you’re deep in some sort of Prometheus hyperfixation that you’re coy about for some reason probably because it’s so weird. and then everyone on here would get all scared because of him