"HELL IS EMPTY, AND ALL THE DEVILS ARE HERE."

You know who you are. The blue heart should give it away.

I would like to formally apologize for all the fucked up and stupid things I ended up doing last year. 

Attention seeking, freaking out 24/7, overreacting.

I realize now how fucked up and shitty I was. Still am actually, but I’m getting better.

You know the reason why I was an attention seeking bitch, and I’ve always overreacted, but, the freaking out was new. It was something new that I had never really experienced and, to this day I still don’t know what triggered it. Being “left out?” The group itself? Still don’t know.

I was pitiful for the stupid things I said to you before we never spoke again. I’m sorry that I acted like such a fucking child, really.

I still think about you, constantly. It’s like you’re stuck in my head and I can’t get you fucking out. I mean, I still check your Instagram occasionally on my other account. 

However, I hope we never meet again, I don’t want you around. At all. I do have a girlfriend now actually, she’s beautiful and amazing and I actually know her in real life. 

I still have philophobia though. Minor but, it’s still stuck in my head, like I’m gonna fuck everything up. And I blame you completely.

I know you’re never gonna see this, but in the slim chance that you do, this is for you.

Something that, for years, I haven’t quite been able to put my mind around is the fact that people have their own group of friends outside of their main group chat. Or, at least, that was my mindset for when I joined an especially bad group chat, which I will call the Musical Cult, that ended up giving me trauma and triggers that cause panic attacks. Before, I was in another gc that sadly went inactive, and I never had that mindset. I guess the Musical Cult just scarred me. Mainly because of me meeting my ex in there. Ever since then, I haven’t been able to join any group chats without fucking up in there eventually, leaving the chat entirely because I felt like I was being left out and other shit. Maybe I was being left out, part of me believes I was, the other part of me believes I was overreacting. (Another note to self: STOP. FUCKING. OVERREACTING. TO. EVERY. LITTLE. THING!) In all honesty, I just cannot understand that people will have friends outside of me, their own little groups that don’t involve me. I can’t understand that the world doesn’t revolve around me. I mean, I do understand it completely, and normally I’m okay about it, but when I start to overreact and in spur of the moments, it just seems like it is. And I think me overreacting began the mindset of the world revolving around me. I don’t really know when the overreacting started, sometime at the beginning of the Musical Cult I think. But it’s ruined me completely, including ruining possible friendships and relationships. I fucking hate it, and I just really don’t know what to do about the overreacting. How do I stop it? How do I stop it from literally tearing me and killing me from the inside out?

Personally, I would rather love. I have a hard time falling in love, and luckily, or not luckily, depends on how you see it, I have philophobia due to an ex that I’d rather not get into the story of. It’s pretty minor, but, it has caused me to completely ruin relationships by ghosting the other person and distancing myself away from them, all because I’m afraid I’ll hurt them in the end, so. Yikes, ya know? I would rather love, though. Love is an incredible feeling that I don’t think I’ve truly felt yet. Romantically, of course. I’ve fallen in love with so many things before, like the medical field and theater and Killing Eve. However, I don’t think I exactly met my.. true limit, romantic wise. I have found myself crushing on someone however. A cute girl that shows up before my voice lessons. We’ve talked once, last week actually, despite the both of us having seen each other every Thursday for a year now. Hopefully this Thursday I could catch her number or something. Part of me oddly has some confidence in this, and my philophobia hasn’t acted on me yet, (This is a good sign of my ex finally getting out of my fucking head, which is good) so I’m hoping I can finally reach that romantic love limit like I’ve been wanting to for my whole life. Gotta love being a hopeless romantic but not actually have truly been in love before. Honestly? Even if she doesn’t reciprocate my feelings in the end, then that’s okay. I loved her, and I’ll move on. I’d rather love someone to my fullest and move on, then be loved by someone who I don’t love, and have to break their heart and possibly their whole entire self, like I’ve done countless of times before. 

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve been on tumblr, so my apologies for that, mystery reader. Then again, this account is mainly used so that I can rant and/or vent, so if I don’t feel like writing something here then so be it. Currently, however, I do feel like writing. A lot has happened since I last posted, a surprisingly big amount actually. I won’t get into details, but long story short: I do not have any friends anymore. I left the group chat that I was in due to unresolved trauma and now I don’t exactly have anyone left. Sad, Alex all alone. The Night Monster has sadly gotten stronger, and now it’s eating me from the inside out. The pain comes in waves, often when I’m most vulnerable and most happy. Ironic. I don’t exactly know how to get rid of it this time. Writing is helping, but it’s not helping as much as it did. My guess is to make more friends, but my shy and ignorant self can’t do that that well. Oh well. I’ve been spending most of my time reading Killing Eve and Grey’s Anatomy fanfics, mainly because Sandra Oh is involved in both of the shows and my gay ass absolutely loves her. So that has been keeping me occupied for the time being. It’s.. boring and lonely, but I don’t have much to do.

Often times, I find myself to be sick. Mentally sick, unstable for normal life. I cannot force myself to leave the comfortable cloud that us mortals call a bed, and into the sticky trash pile and garbage dump that is life. I end up rotting in that bed like a poor, dead deer, shot in the head by a hunter, who has not yet been ravaged by the vultures and fungi. Soon that bed becomes a Venus Fly Trap, and I’m stuck in there, melting from the 117 degree heat, just laying in that plant and rotting in my own disgusting scent. I find myself realizing a while later that that situation and sensation is called “Depression.” I prefer to call it The Night Monster Under My Bed, The Night Monster In The Closet, The Night Monster In That Basement, etcetera, etcetera. When you’re not looking for it, The Night Monster creeps in and attacks you, and you become its sticky prey, consumed by the shadowy moisture and consistency that covers Depression in its unholiness. However, I have found something that I find interesting and is slowly keeping The Night Monster away. For now, at least. It’s called... Writing. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. If you haven’t, and if I haven’t, then I wouldn’t be making this post and you wouldn’t be reading it. The Night Monster appears to dislike it when attention is brought onto It, even just the smallest bit, so I hope this gets some attention, because this texture of the shadowy consistency is going to give me a panic attack sooner or later.

Anyways. I suppose I should introduce myself.

My name is Alex. I am nonbinary, they/them pronouns, and identify purely as a threat. I consider myself to be trixic, aka liking girls. I am not sure how long this label is going to last, considering I often question myself while residing in Rock Bottom Avenue. The Night Monster tends to haunt my family, but It appears to like me the most, and it ends up hitting me the hardest. I have a fascination in the Medical Field, and it is a possible career path for me. Writing is simply a hobby, and I do not think I’ll ever end up pursuing it. I love visual novels, the colors yellow and dark red, gore, true crime, the deep web, creepy and mysterious internet things, and ARGs. Some of the specific things I like are the following: Killing Eve, Grey’s Anatomy, Overwatch, EXTREME MEATPUNKS FOREVER, Life is Strange, Local58, HiImMaryMary. Some more, but I can’t think of any at the moment.