I don't even know...

I was rejected from the air force (I mean GOOD but at the time I was bummed) because I told the recruiter over the phone I had aspergers (because I swore I heard my mother saying I did when I was younger, specifically discussing it in a taco bell when they used to be teal/turquoise? and purple but I digress)

And when I mentioned this rejection and why to my mother she exploded on me and it was so shocking I remember just going to my room and crying because 1 I swore we discussed it and 2 why would you suddenly be so vehemently outraged that I'd say or think I was?

I'm still really wrestling with being understanding that my mother is also neurodivergent (and in full denial still) and at the time I was young it was super negatively stigmatized so any connection to it had her recoiling.

Just remembering and thinking..... our entire family is neurodivergent most of us are the dual audhd and it just.... is baffling sometimes how that reality is so repulsive to her.

Stark difference to when I called my dad one day to talk about it and he said well shit that sounds like me to a T I'm probably autistic/adhd too. Huh. And that was all the initial reaction he had. We did chat a bit more on it but there wasnt a negative bone in his body about it. He understood it all and it was just matter of fact type of thing. Whereas my mother is so, aggressively anti-ND.

...

Not neurodivergent at alllll.

(Bonus points if there were big tiles cuz there were correct tiles to stand on until the bad noise was over)

🙃🫠

Sometimes it's fantastic. Sometimes it's wild adventure and absolutely stunning scenery and amazing food/smells/etc etc... which is friggin awesome.

Sometimes.... it's trauma compact into a 30 second dozing nightmare and I haaaaaaate it thanks but no thanks fuck you brain for giving me an adrenaline dump at 2am that wrecked my psyche until I hopefully forget about it....

⚠️Don't read beyond this point if you don't like nightmare stuff.

So we did go grocery shopping today which is where my dozing off nightmare used as a starting point. It was brief but awful.

I finished loading groceries in the back of our van and just as I'd closed the hatch door, a piercing cramp hit my pelvic area like a stab to the uterus nerves type feeling and I doubled over onto the ground, slightly out into the driving space. A car going a little too fast for a parking lane ran over my head suddenly. Somehow my hair got basically glued/meshed to the tire?? So when it kept spinning as they kept driving, it promptly ripped my head right off. The driver kept going a few feet before another person stopped them, horrified.

Cut to the pov of my body somehow? and I just see my husband with a confused face round the back of the van and freeze, switch to his pov, just his dead headless wife in a puddle of blood on the ground. Just there. Just gone. That's it. No hospital maybe-we-can-save-her vibe. Just done.

The shock made my body adrenaline dump and now I'm awake and can't sleep... with the seeping, very heavy dread in the pit of my stomach and chest. Body/mind unable to actually wrap its head around how fucking devastating that felt for both myself and for husband.

Okay so sorry if you've decided to read anyway and regret it. I process stuff like this sometimes by putting it out into the world.

Don't get me wrong, jeans & tees are fine. But. When that's the only/main thing I've worn as a default outside outfit for like 10-15 years?? When I've actively wanted not to?? It wears me down, ya know?

I also had the hangup of weight fluctuating so wildly because I've had multiple pregnancies. So updating my wardrobe... there never seemed to be a good time since my body was always changing. I've decided to just go for it though. Adjustments can always be made as needed when things fluctuate.

I've gotten several pieces over the last month or two that I'm really happy with. Some of them are strictly date night outfits. Some are on the nicer side of casual and some are fully casual. The difference being nice casual I don't really want to wear around the house but would absolutely put myself together in it for hanging with friends or even just errands.

Whereas the fully casual I don't particularly want to leave the house in but want to feel put together for the day. I'd check the mail or even go for a short walk in them. It feels silly but I really need outfit categories. 😅 I need to reliably pick from a selection of clothes for each need.

Today I felt good in my fully causal pick. Plain blue t-shirt style blouse with a brown corduroy overall dress that went past my knees (personal preference, short isn't good sensory to me) and some jeweled feather earrings. Very simple. This one wasn't particularly whimsy but I'd changed my mind from my bell sleeved(?) crop top under it to the plain blouse. Baby steps I guess.

I'm very excited for our next date night. My husband and I do a date night in every other week. But once every month or two we go OUT for date night. Dress up. Go eat somewhere we usually don't. Sometimes stop somewhere we've been wanting to peruse leisurely (without the gremlins) etc etc.

A lil snowball fight broke out in my entryway, love it. They did come back for a re-do when I got my chat box working which was awesome. Idk how but at one point three of them were on top of my fountain. Two sitting but with their legs straight up??? (howw) and the third in the middle I swear was doing the macarena or something akin.

It was the greatest thing I've ever witnessed. Made my night.

I hadn't been on Palia in a little over a year due to pregnancy/life and now that things are settling postpartum again I was able to hop on and try to re-acquaint myself with the game.

"I'm so sick of everything you do, sit at work all afternoon, so sick of that (repeats like 3x)"

Bf has on a vest and has an afro and the 'gf' has a black crop top and a big gray robe & big 'ol fake titties lol

Im so done. I wanna cry. Why can't I just see the damn specialist without the staff in between causing patients to just shut down because they're so audibly rude about being annoyed they're talking to you.

I'm literally about to just try and see someone out of state and out of pocket that another family member went to see because the local one's just not professional.

I'm pissed tf off. The one lady I saw, I didn't want to see, and she very much triggered my past experience getting diagnosed with pots and the first doctor, who was the head of cardiology, didnt listen to a fucking word I said and dismissed me. I had to get a 2nd opinion at the same office and that doctor actually gave a shit about my history. Which went in one ear and out the other with the first guy and I felt the same way with my fibro appointment.

It felt like she didnt believe me/believed my weight and past trauma were the only cause not the symptom. My weight is 100% a symptom. That only showed up within the last 4 or 5 years. Fibro issues? I've had for the last 17-18 ish years. Yea, my weight isnt the issue bitch. I've done all the healing I can from my past trauma and don't see any way to improve as I've tried several therapies none of which worked for me.

Sigh.....

Just ranting at this point but honestly I need to bitch about it because the barriers are ridiculous and even when you get past the barriers and see someone, half the time they shouldnt be a doctor with how they treat their patients.