okay, real serious question. Is there a hollanov fic where Ilya is forced to try malört? Like maybe Marly dares him to do mulitple shots of it and Ilya does and it ends as good as one would expect when you do shots of malört?
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When people comment on clap when you land on Ilya's PT struggles, specifically how they feel seen/hope, it blows my mind.
I purposely didn't write too much about Ilya's PT struggles. I didn't want to write from his POV during that time, despite beta readers suggesting it, because of my own PT struggles. There were weird snippets that I cut because it felt so personal to me versus the characters. I wrote this fic with ice packs all over my body. I'm still writing with ice packs (at least, just on one knee).
And there's something really, really nice that the struggles came through despite all the cuts I made. And people feel hope in their own PT journey from this fic.
Unmothered
ch 1 / 7, Mature, 15k
Ilya & Irina, Ilya / Shane (eventually)
The emphasis should be on the absence. Ilya had a mother, and then he didn’t. As it turns out, grief never disappears.
“Watch, he’ll be a hockey player one day. Maybe even in America,” they'd whisper to his mom. A thrill would shoot through Ilya, and he’d try hard not to react. His mom, ever knowing in her light brown spring jacket, would catch Ilya’s eyes in these moments. She’d squeeze his hand twice and smile down at him, taking over the role of being hopeful.
“If he moves to America, I’ll move too. I’ll live right down the street,” she boasted, and Ilya scowled. He stomped his foot and tightened his grip on his mom’s hand. She looked down at him with raised eyebrows and a smile.
“Mama, people would make fun of me–”
“Hush, I won’t live with you. Just down the street. You’ll find me a little house!” she gestured down the market as if America and small homes were around the corner. “I’ll cook your meals for the week. You’ll miss Russian food if you move. They don’t serve borscht in America,” she said pointedly, and Ilya paused. He raised a hand to his chin, mimicking the way his mom thought through recipes.
He loved borscht. His mom made the best borscht in the world.
After a dramatic few seconds, if only to Ilya, he shared his thoughts. “Okay, I guess you can move with me… but only if you make borscht!” he said, and his mom threw her head back and laughed. She crouched and hugged him tightly enough that his face smushed awkwardly against her coat.
“Mama,” he whined, trying to wiggle out of her grip. Her curls tickled his nose. They always seemed to get everywhere.
“Stay little forever, Ilyusha,” she said softly, kissing him on the forehead before standing up to negotiate with the vendor. Ilya rubbed at the spot where she kissed him.
something i don't see talked about a lot but always makes me emotional on re-reads of tlg is the fact that even after shane is unwillingly outed to the world, and as a direct result:
unjustly suspended from his job
condemned by one of his best friends
condemned by his teammates
dissected by the media
threatened by the commissioner
accused of cheating at the sport he has dedicated his whole life to; and
raked over the coals for a true accident
he STILL goes to watch ilya play
without question or concern, he sits in the audience to watch ilya in round 2 alongside the team that just kicked him out of the playoffs and caused tripgate
he spends tlg in debilitating fear over the possibility of someone figuring them out and goes to such extreme lengths to keep that from happening that he doesn't even have a photograph to show for an 11-year relationship
but still, ilya mentions he can get tickets for shane and his parents to come see him play and shane doesn't spend a second worrying it may fuel rumours, bring unwanted attention to his relationship, put him in a generally uncomfortable position - he actually brightens at the suggestion and then happily sits in the audience to cheer ilya on 😭
I feel like we also gloss over how Ilya never had more than three people in the stands that he loved. Meaning his parents + brother were never at his youth games at the same time. Sure, you can make the argument that he didn't love them... but he was also a kid so he probably had love for them back then.
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better late than never here are my notes on this edit<3
starting off with a recommendation: i thought a lot of about summer by @rozzed while i was working on this, so i think it's a great companion piece to check out if you enjoyed the edit
now, the commentary (and some spoilers for about summer):
the song's main theme + my narrative for this edit:
for those not familiar with big star before the edit: lorde wrote this about her dog pearl, who died while she was working on solar power. so it's a song about death, and while working on the edit i was definitely a lot in the headspace of a world where ilya dies in a plane crash during tlg
with the edit being mostly from ilya's pov he has the role of the narrator, the one full of admiration and grief for his pet, but he's also the pet, the one whose own life conditions cause there to be "not enough time". he does not have the blissful unawareness of pets though
i like the idea of him being aware of his fate. a bit bc of his depression ("i used to love the party, now i'm not alright") and of course the looming threat of suicide. but even with a death not by his own hand, like the plane crash, i like the idea of that haunting the narrative. and this is where i point you to about summer again — i LOVE the non-linear narrative in that fic, and in this edit there's a few lines that i see coming from an ilya standing outside of time:
"i toss up if it's worth it now every time i get on a plane" - again, him being aware of his fate, that looming in the distance...
"i'll still watch you run through the winter light" - as in, he's always there, seeing him for the first time on that december day in saskatchewan. "every perfect summer's gotta take its flight" but he'll STILL watch him run through the winter light
"(i love you) 'til i die" - which is the outro of the edit and it's their first summer together at the cottage, and he loves him, and he wants to take his picture, and stay in that moment. but he knows they can't have that summer forever...
⭐ keeping the rest under a cut bc it's a lot and that was already the most important part of what i wanted to say⭐
typography:
i spent so much time font hunting for this one... i even almost paid for a font but thankfully i found two great free ones: East Sea Dokdo and Yuji Boku
i was looking for something that looked handwritten and kinda childlike because that's the feeling that the song gives me
i took a similar approach as i did with the mangetout edit: thicker font in a larger size in different colors and thinner smaller font in white. i really love doing this to highlight certain words or phrases.
in this case for the bigger font i used yellow and blue as a nod to the solar power album colors<3
also, for the line "you're too good for me" i decided to highlight "too good" as a nod to my mangetout edit:
they're sister edits 2 me because of the approach to typography and also bc they're both my first full-song edits :)
"i'm shy but you like to say hello to total strangers"
at first it was difficult to think of what to use for ilya being shy, but then i thought, well! there is one moment where ilya was the shy one, and it was when shane first introduced himself to ilya, a total stranger, which went perfectly along with the next line
"shivering pines and walls of color — i can't believe i used to stay inside"
probably one of my favorite lines from the song. it was perfect to continue with their first meeting for "shivering pines", shane a bit nervous, both of them a bit cold...
and then jump to "walls of color — i can't believe i used to stay inside" - the skip kiss happening and ilya just thinking... why did i ever hide.
also i need u guys to know the changing colors for the "colors" text was done by hand. well, digitally, but what i mean is it wasn't a capcut effect/animation. That was all me, placing every single differently colored word on the screen:
alright that's about it for lyrical analysis and technical/design notes. i think all the other lines really speak for themselves, or i already mentioned them in the first bullet point. would love to hear if anybody else has thoughts about the song and the #meanings <333 it's always so fun how even for an edit i did and spent hours on there's people who find layers i had never even thought of.
just one more thing as a little teaser for the s2 version of this that i'm possibly doing: "hope the honeybees make it home tonight" is definitely going to be whatever shot we have of the incident with the centaurs' plane. oh that's gonna be so juicy...
Anyway thank u for reading if u did and as always thank u for all the love for my art. Mwah!
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