hello my name is lior and this is my Very Scary blog where i talk about my twisted evil disorders. mostly aspd, npd and maybe ocd since those are my official diagnoses but there might be others.
！ this blog is a safe space for people with any and all mental illnesses. it is not safe for narc/borderline/etc abuse believers though, or bigots of any kind.
i'd rather not interact with endo systems or pro-contact paraphilics but i will simply block anyone like that.
will tag triggers as well as i can, which is to say, not that well at all but the basics will be covered. i read the bios of people who follow me though so if you have any specific things you need tagged listed there i'll remember that.
feel free to send asks and stuff. extra info under the cut if you want.
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i'm not currently in any treatment and will probably never be. i'm not "anti recovery" or anything like that but i've been in the system from age 8 to 19 i'm just kinda done with it atp
i don't know if i have a full on third comorbid pd or just really heavy cluster a traits and idrc to look into it but yeah something to keep in mind maybe.
i have a bunch of physical health issues going on that i also very much ignore but i legally count as disabled so if i ever post about it know i'm not talking out of my ass.
i believe well researched self diagnosis can be decently accurate but idrc about what other people think about it in general. if you're uncomfortable with this feel free to block me i'm not here to argue.
i'm not american and i don't know shit about fuck when it comes to the intricacies of american culture. like there are no slurs in my native language. so if you catch me using some dubious vocabulary it's not out of malice i just don't keep up with american bigot lingo at all.
since this might be important context to some of my posts - i'm intersex but id as a cis woman for simplicity and i'm half black and jewish. fyi. Uhm and that's all i can think of i like to play and draw.
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The “ASPD Boredom Curse”: A Personal Dissection of Chronic Under-Stimulation
I often describe what I experience as “the ASPD boredom curse,” but the word boredom is actually misleading. Boredom suggests mild impatience or waiting for something to happen. What I experience is closer to chronic under-stimulation combined with a blunted reward response and persistent restlessness. It feels less like “having nothing to do” and more like existing in an environment where very little registers as meaningful input.
From a psychological perspective, the issue appears less about activity levels and more about reward thresholds. Many people receive small but consistent dopamine reinforcement from routine interactions, casual conversation, everyday accomplishments, or social approval. In my experience, those inputs often register as flat or inconsequential. The result is a constant sense that the world is operating at a lower intensity than my nervous system expects.
Below is how I’ve come to conceptualize this pattern.
High Stimulation Threshold
My baseline threshold for engagement seems unusually high. Activities that are typically rewarding for others; routine tasks, light hobbies, predictable social interaction, often fail to produce any noticeable sense of satisfaction.
The consequence is that the environment begins to feel low resolution. Conversations feel repetitive. Tasks feel mechanical. Even achievements can feel strangely empty once the novelty disappears.
This isn’t always experienced as sadness. It is usually experienced as flatness.
Intensity as a Proxy for Aliveness
Because ordinary stimuli often fail to produce engagement, intensity becomes a reliable signal that something is “real.” Risk, novelty, competition, taboo subjects, power dynamics, or intellectually complex problems tend to cut through the flatness.
The important distinction is that intensity does not necessarily equal fulfillment. It functions more like an energy spike. It produces activation, not necessarily meaning.
In other words, intensity can wake the system up without actually feeding it.
Contempt as a Defensive Interpretation
When large portions of the environment feel unstimulating, it becomes easy to interpret the situation as evidence that the environment itself is inadequate.
This is where contempt can emerge. Thoughts like “this is beneath me” or “people are predictable” function as protective explanations for the persistent lack of engagement.
Sometimes these observations may be partially accurate. However, contempt also acts as a psychological shield. If the world is boring because it is inferior, then I do not have to confront the possibility that my own reward system is unusually difficult to satisfy.
Control as a Source of Stimulation
In environments where emotional reward is limited, influence itself can become engaging.
Reading people, testing boundaries, steering interactions, or provoking reactions creates immediate feedback. Reaction demonstrates impact, and impact demonstrates agency.
In other words, control can become stimulating because it proves that something in the environment is responding.
This is not necessarily driven by cruelty; often it is driven by the simple need to break through the feeling of psychological silence.
Nervous System Calibration
Another factor may be developmental conditioning. If someone grows up in environments characterized by instability, unpredictability, or chronic activation, their nervous system may become calibrated to expect a higher level of stimulation.
In that context, calm environments may not register as peaceful. They may register as empty.
This creates a paradox where stability; something typically considered healthy, can feel subjectively similar to deprivation.
The Pursuit–Possession Split
One pattern I frequently notice is that anticipation carries more psychological charge than possession.
The pursuit of something; an idea, a project, a relationship, a goal, contains novelty and uncertainty. Once the outcome becomes predictable or secured, the stimulation drops sharply.
This can create a cycle in which engagement collapses immediately after achieving the thing that originally generated interest.
The pursuit remains exciting; maintenance does not.
The Escalation Problem
The most concerning aspect of this pattern is reinforcement. If stimulation is consistently sought through extreme or highly intense experiences, the nervous system gradually adapts.
Each escalation raises the threshold for future stimulation.
Over time, ordinary experiences become even less engaging than they were initially. The “solution” unintentionally worsens the original problem.
Reframing the Problem
When I step back and analyze the pattern clinically, the core issue seems to be a mismatch between stimulation requirements and environmental input.
The question is not simply “how do I avoid boredom.”
The more accurate questions are:
• What form of stimulation is actually missing?
• Is the urge I’m feeling a desire for aliveness or merely a desire for interruption?
• Which activities produce sustainable engagement instead of brief spikes of activation?
This reframing shifts the focus away from distraction and toward meaningful load: activities that provide complexity, challenge, and sustained cognitive or emotional engagement.
Conclusion
What I call the “ASPD boredom curse” is likely a combination of high stimulation thresholds, reduced reward response to ordinary stimuli, reliance on intensity for engagement, and learned interpretations of flatness as environmental inadequacy.
The experience can feel like constantly consuming the world faster than the world can feed you.
The long-term challenge is learning to differentiate between stimulation that merely shocks the system awake and stimulation that actually sustains engagement.
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difference between guilt/remorse/regret has been really interesting to me lately. everytime i read about remorse i feel like when i first heard about affective empathy. like it's one of those things i just assumed everybody performed because it's a social norm but didn't actually feel
i don't experience remorse and don't think i've ever experienced it. but i feel like i experience so much guilt but also it's not actually guilt. more like something i impose on myself once i regret something i've done if it hurt somebody or something i care about. i could almost call it performative because i'm "doing" guilt much more than i'm "feeling" guilt but it's gotten so ritualistic to a level that it's like my brain developed a pavlovian response that makes me feel immensely bad when i comprehend a moment as being like "oh now it's time to feel guilty" so maybe it counts as guilt in practice. but i know it can't be the same thing as natural guilt. maybe more like shame?
difference between guilt/remorse/regret has been really interesting to me lately. everytime i read about remorse i feel like when i first heard about affective empathy. like it's one of those things i just assumed everybody performed because it's a social norm but didn't actually feel
Something I think I really need people to understand, and I’m writing this while giggling at my own thoughts, is that when I say people with ASPD have a really fucked up sense of humor (I’ve been in the process of making a post on the correlation of child torture and ASPD development bc I don’t think people understand the level of abuse required to develop ASPD) is that there is shit I cannot say to my own partner (who also has ASPD) because socially I understand that that would get me cancelled (he’d probably find it funny).
And I’m not talking oh racist humor, oh homophobic/transphobic humor that’s not what I mean by fucked up sense of humor, that’s just being an asshole.
What I mean by fucked ip sense of humor is you’re so desensitized to your own PTSD that I’m sitting here giggling over a joke I made in my head about my incestuous relationship I had when I was 7-14 years old because *that* is the funniest fucking shit to me. I’m not going to tell you the joke (I like not getting cancelled) but as an adult looking at the shit I did when I was a kid vs how weird I am about sex *now* it’s ironic to the point of humor.
And a lot of you are going to see this and go wtf, but ik a few of you are going to understand this, so I’m going to really emphasize here and now
It’s normal to joke about your trauma. Humor is a coping mechanism but also when you’re to the point you can joke about it that’s a good sign that you’ve processed or started to process it. Laugh a little it’s okay
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Regret
- What it is: Wishing the outcome had been different.
- Focus: The consequences of the action - especially for yourself.
- Key traits: Self-focused, reflective, sometimes selfish.
Remorse
- What it is: Emotional sorrow for causing harm to another.
- Focus: Empathy and moral awareness.
- Key traits: Other-focused, internal suffering, emotional heaviness.
Guilt
- What it is: A moral or emotional weight for breaking a personal or societal rule.
- Focus: Internal shame or conflict.
- Key traits: Internally driven, can be irrational, often causes rumination.
Accountability
- What it is: Acknowledging and taking responsibility for your actions.
- Focus: Behavior, consequences, repair.
- Key traits: Can be rational, does not require emotion.
HOW THEY OVERLAP
All Four Present
✅ Regret | ✅ Remorse | ✅ Guilt | ✅ Accountability
Example:
“I lashed out and hurt someone I care about. I hate that I did it (regret), I feel awful about the pain I caused (remorse), I can’t stop thinking about how wrong I was (guilt), and I’ve already apologized and made amends (accountability).”
→ Classic “I messed up and I know it” moment.
Regret + Remorse
✅ Regret | ✅ Remorse | ❌ Guilt | ❌ Accountability
Example:
“I wish I hadn’t said that. It clearly hurt them and I feel bad. . . but I don’t think I was actually wrong, and I’m not going to apologize.”
→ Feels sorrowful and wishes things went differently, but doesn’t believe they’re morally at fault.
Regret + Guilt
✅ Regret | ❌ Remorse | ✅ Guilt | ❌ Accountability
Example:
“I broke the rule, and I feel ashamed. I just wish I hadn’t gotten caught.”
→ More focused on personal consequence and inner shame than on the harm done to others. Self-loathing can show up here.
Regret + Accountability
✅ Regret | ❌ Remorse | ❌ Guilt | ✅ Accountability
Example:
“This deal went badly. I’ll own it and fix the damage, even if I don’t feel bad about it.”
→ Professionalism. Do what must be done but don’t get emotionally involved.
Remorse + Guilt
❌ Regret | ✅ Remorse | ✅ Guilt | ❌ Accountability
Example:
“I had to make the choice. . . I know it was right. But I still feel awful for what it did to them, and I can’t stop thinking about it.”
→ A moral dilemma. They wouldn’t take it back, but they still hurt.
Remorse + Accountability
❌ Regret | ✅ Remorse | ❌ Guilt | ✅ Accountability
Example:
“I don’t think I was wrong, but I hurt you. I want to make that right.”
→ The person doesn’t think they acted immorally, but still feels emotional pain for causing harm, and they try to fix it. A very mature emotional space.
Guilt + Accountability
❌ Regret | ❌ Remorse | ✅ Guilt | ✅ Accountability
Example:
“I broke the rule and I’ll face the punishment, even if I don’t feel bad about it or think it hurt anyone.”
→ Rule-follower or someone trying to prove their morality. They take responsibility purely from principle.
Regret Only
✅ Regret | ❌ Remorse | ❌ Guilt | ❌ Accountability
Example:
“I wish I hadn’t done that. It didn’t work out.”
→ Often selfish or neutral. There’s no emotional weight, just a reaction to negative consequences. A wish that the situation ended differently.
Remorse Only
❌ Regret | ✅ Remorse | ❌ Guilt | ❌ Accountability
Example:
“It had to be done. . . but I hate that I hurt you.”
→ Sadness or empathy without shame or moral conflict. A great example of emotional depth without self-blame. You just hurt for them.
Guilt Only
❌ Regret | ❌ Remorse | ✅ Guilt | ❌ Accountability
Example:
“I feel guilty for surviving when they didn’t.”
→ Internalized shame without external harm or desire to fix it. Often irrational guilt.
Accountability Only
❌ Regret | ❌ Remorse | ❌ Guilt | ✅ Accountability
Example:
“I did the thing. I’m responsible. That’s all.”
→ No emotion, just ownership.
None
❌ Regret | ❌ Remorse | ❌ Guilt | ❌ Accountability
Example:
“Yeah, I did it. So?”
→ No emotional or moral engagement, no ownership, no care. Just indifference.
Why It Matters
When people use them interchangeably, it erases nuance.
You can:
Regret something but feel no remorse
Feel guilty but not be accountable
Take accountability without feeling bad
Feel remorse without wishing you’d chosen differently
And that distinction is super important when you're figuring out:
it's always been so easy to do things that hurt people i mean. i never specifically wanted to do them just for the sake of doing them. but it was always The Right Thing To Do. like necessary to protect myself or necessary to achieve something i need. i never felt like i'd be in the wrong from getting revenge, or for doing it in a "dispropportionate" way. it was just what people did right? the other people who were bad and wanted to harm me. it was just what i had to do to stay safe. maybe they didn't always mean to harm me but they never like. cared about me. there was always Something.
it feels so deeply weird. to not feel justified to do something. feeling safe was already a whole thing. and now it's not as safe anymore, but i still don't hate them, and i still Know i wouldn't be justified if i harmed them just because i feel weak and out of control. what do people even do in this situation
sometimes i find myself genuinely missing my childhood but not in a nostalgic way. like i miss being abused in a way but it's not that i miss getting my ass beat or think i deserve it. i'm just so comically terrible at handling nuanced conflict and i keep falling on my face every time i try. so i sort of miss when things were as simple as "just hit back"
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actually no i do. why is this entire tag literally anything but aspd. i know very deeply how it's actually not that interesting of an experience and does not give you that much to post about but still. what if we stayed on topic idk
