The truth is that I am learning a lesson right now. And this experience is too familiar. Aside from the few remaining friends and family I have in my life, there was another portion of people who reacted to my sickness in two different ways. The first decided it was too heavy and they didnāt even wanna touch it and they disappeared. The second was angry with me that I was too sick to TAKE from anymore so they were cruel to me instead. I was SO lonely. I went to treatment alone. So many times. I sat there wishing I would talk to someone or tell someone or ask for help. I just canāt help but feel like thatās happening all over again here, in this part of my life. I dedicated 12 years of my life to connecting with people and helping them. Thousands of people told me I āsaved their lifeā and then I returned to those same people only to hear that they donāt care that I almost lost mine. What a reveal. I canāt explain in words the misery and suffering of those years. Hating myself and blaming myself for āruining everythingā. I worked so hard to be here and I had to stop because of something against my will. And now Iām back. And I know you donāt like the song and thatās okay because you donāt have to like everything I make. Thatās not why I make it. I made it to tell my story. But what I canāt get past is the disconnect. You know what I learned yesterday? I learned that only 1% of my active fans have even bothered to listen to the song. But the conversation about me is SO loud and SO wicked and itās coming from a MUCH larger percentage than that. So right now thereās millions of people who call themselves my fans who are just ripping into me, and barely any of them have even bothered to check out the song. Itās not about the music, itās about me as a concept and as a projection for some of my fans to rip to shreds. But itās not about the music anymore. And I canāt do this if itās not about the music anymore. Iām too weak, Iām too fucking tired, and youāre right. Iām not who I used to be. Iām different now. Because I went through a life altering experience that almost killed me, and killed off some parts of me instead. I really thought returning to the thing I love would make me feel better but it doesnāt at all. And Iām SO sorry to those of you who are so kind and supportive and lovely and incredible and I wish I could hug you and thank you. But this is a mess. Itās a fucking mess. Iām gonna keep moving forward because I worked too hard on this album to walk away. But once itās all said and done it might be said and done. I hope things get better and I can enjoy sharing this album with those of you who are left š¤
romaincrisis
origamiaround
yousharknotpass
jacobvanloon
stormborns
theartofmadeline
snowghoul
discoholicmusic
kianamaiart
