My World Of Writing Everything

I sat at my desk, staring at my phone, waiting for a reply. I had a feeling I was never going to get one. I could think of a few reasons as to why. 1.) I hurt her feelings. 2.) She’s pissed. 3.) We’re done with this ‘Triangle.’ 4.) It’s early as fuck, so she might have fallen asleep. 5.) I’m right, and she doesn't want to admit it. Truthfully, I will not understand why I continue to wait around. I really should listen to what everyone else was telling me. That ‘Slap you back to reality threat’ sounds like something I desperately need. However, a slap will not change how I feel or have felt for the past three years. “Aziel, go to sleep,” Mateo said, getting irritated. “The light is bothering me.” “Well, no one told you to sleep in here. You invited yourself in. This is my room, remember?” I replied, irritated as well. “Go sleep in the living room if you are having difficulty sleeping.” “Couch is uncomfortable.” He mumbles. Then he pulls the blanket over his head and turns to face the wall. “Well, go sleep outside. I’ll go to sleep when I am ready.” I said. “Ugh.” Was his response. When looking at the time again, about thirty minutes have passed. My brother was right, though; I should go to sleep. I turned off the lamp on my desk and decided to turn off my phone. Even if she did text back, I didn’t want to see what she had to say. I lay down on my bed, staring at the ceiling. My thoughts were clouded with her and the other guy. I have given my all to her, and it seems not to be enough. It has gotten to the point where I feel stuck. I think. I remember when I first met Ariabella. We were in middle school, and we had a class together. I knew her before that in elementary school. However, I never spoke with her. We only started talking because we ended up in detention together. After a while, we ended up being friends and hanging out from time to time. I ended up falling in love with her. I told her when we had a dance at the school, and she told me she had feelings for me as well. That was the day we ended up together and a day I will never forget. Everything was fine until that asshole came into the picture. Rome was a guy she met in P.E. class just last year. During the first couple of months of their friendship, he would flirt with her constantly, but she would tell him to stop at first. Later she just let it happen and didn’t seem to care. He would even flirt with her in front of me. First, she didn’t let it slide; eventually, she did. She would reassure me, though, that it didn’t mean anything and that he was joking. I thought otherwise and expressed how it made me feel. A little later, I started to suspect she had feelings for him. My suspicions were correct, though, because I learned from a mutual friend that she was confused about her feelings. She told her friend, and I quote. ‘I love Aziel. We have been through a lot, and I don’t know what I would do without him. With Rome, though, I just started to like him. Rome is so sweet and so romantic without trying to be.’ In all honesty, I was pissed. For two weeks, things were tense between us, and from time to time, they still are. Rome always seemed to come around whenever I wasn’t around. Our friends would tell me he would show up and pull her away to just be alone with her. One day I straight-flat out broke up with her because of Rome. I wasn’t thrilled I did that because I did it without thinking. I was miserable. From what I was told, she was depressed as well. We didn’t talk for two weeks, but I’m unsure if she still spoke to Rome. We saw each other around at school but didn’t acknowledge each other. Our friend group was divided into two because of us. We didn’t ask them to take sides or ask for opinions. They voiced their opinions and how they felt; Ariabella and I just listened. What brought us back together was when we got paired up to do a project in art class. She wouldn’t have been someone I chose, but the teacher picked the partners. She got upset when I wasn’t paying attention to her while talking about what she thought we should do for the project. I was looking at another girl in the class, which made her even more upset. I knew it upset her just by the look on her face, but she didn’t say anything about it. She kept quiet the rest of the time and said nothing about the project. Instead, she was drawing in her sketchbook. I couldn’t see what she was drawing because her backpack was on the table and blocking the view. Then she reached into her bag, took out her earbuds, put them in, and continued to draw. I tapped her shoulder to tell her what I thought we should do for our project, but she ignored me. I kept tapping her shoulder and tried to talk to her, but she turned up her music and moved her chair away from me. The bell for the next class had rung, and everyone was getting up, and so did she. She stuffed everything in her bag and walked out. I followed right behind her because I still needed to talk to her about the project. She stopped, turned around, and took out her earbuds. She opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted by Rome. “Hey, Ariabella. I wanted to give this to you.” Rome said. He handed her a red and green piece of paper folded into a rose with a fake butterfly glued onto what would be a petal on the rose. “My way of saying sorry about what happened yesterday.” He said. “Oh, thank you, Rome. It’s okay, and there is no need to worry about it. You didn’t do anything wrong.” She said, then gave a small smile. She was twirling around the paper rose, then looked at it and back at him. “It’s a beautiful rose. Thank you.” “Well, I got to run to practice, so I’ll see you at the party?” He asked. “Of course, I wouldn’t miss it.” She replied. Rome looked at me, then back at her, and then took off running in the opposite direction we were heading. “Look, I will ask the teacher if I can do the project independently. I honestly would prefer to work alone or with someone else. I suggest you probably do the same. If we both express it, she might agree to let us change partners or work alone.” She says. Part of me didn’t want to change partners or work alone. The other part of me thought it would be best to work alone or with someone else. I listened to the part of me that wanted to work with her. “I would rather work with you,” I said awkwardly. “Weird.” She responded and laughed slightly. “How?” I asked, kind of hurt that she said it that way. “Thought you would’ve wanted to work with the chick you were staring at in class, but I will still tell the teacher I want to work with someone else or work alone.” She said with a hint of jealousy in her voice. “You sound so jealous,” I said to her without thinking. After that came out of my mouth, I couldn’t take it back. I regretted it after that. “Just leave me alone, Aziel. I don’t want to talk to you about this anymore.” She said. Then she turned to start walking away. “You going to go find your boyfriend you cheated on me with?” I asked, once again speaking before thinking. “Confirm your date night plans?” She turned around to face me with tears streaming down her face. “What!” She says, sounding angry. “I never cheated on you with Rome. It’s not even a date. It’s a party.” “Yes, you did cheat on me. It may not be physical cheating, but have you ever heard of emotional cheating?” I asked her. “Look, I’m sorry I hurt you, But I can’t help my emotions. I like him, but I love you. I never meant to hurt you. When I noticed I started to get slight feelings for him, I tried to stay away from him. I didn’t want to ruin our relationship over some small crush. It’s whatever now because you moved on and now that’s all I want to do.”

With thoughts clouded of you.

I find myself questioning the mystery.

I want to know more about you.

One glance, with you being a few steps away.

I realize there are many questions to be asked.

Favorite color?

Favorite book?

Do you want to play 20 questions?

Do you love someone?    

Do you like someone?

Is it true you are single?

Did that stranger tell you what I said?

Do you know?

Do you want to know?

Should I tell you?

How would you feel about a confession note?

Are you a closed-off person?

Do you give chances?

What do you love?

Have you ever been in love?

Roses are red till they die.

In the end, the roses are dead and turn black.

Watch them wither away and crumble as well.

Autopilot story time.

Have ya’ll ever felt the feeling like you were on autopilot? Being on autopilot emotionally, physically, and mentally. Has anyone ever ran into this kind of feeling and didn’t even know it at all?

It has been about a month and this is something I barely realized… and I don’t know why it took me so damn long.

I went to hang out with a friend I had met awhile back and this friend of mine had advised me he had some feelings for me more than a friend. Now I admit I had some feelings for him as well but to me I was still a little bit ‘iffy’ about it. We met awhile back so it’s been a little over a year we’ve known each other. We’ve gotten to know each other a bit but not a whole lot. We talked here and there but it was not a day to day conversation by text or by call.

Anyway, hanging out with this friend we went out to one of my favorite places to eat and play games. We were sitting across from one another and ordered our food and continued to catch up since it had been awhile since we had spoken.

I was facing the game floors direction so I was distracted by the people and in search of a friend who I thought was working that day but I did not see him to say ‘Hi’, so I was just listening to him and what he was telling me about work stuff. As our food came out, we sat down and ate.

After eating I found my mind was elsewhere and no longer focusing on my friend sitting in front of me. I was responding to the thing he was asking me and asking him questions as well without thinking just to show I was somewhat paying attention. We left our table to place some games so that it what snapped me back into reality.

In my thoughts I was thinking how nice he was but some other stuff came to mind and at the same time I was thinking about some other stuff along with things I possibly don’t like about him but I of course didn’t say anything.

After eating and playing games it was time to leave. He drove me back home. We sat in his car for less than a few minutes and discussed hanging out again and once again there was this odd feeling where I just was not paying any attention. I turned to look at him and tell him bye and he was already looking at me and sort of leaned in like he was going to try to kiss me. Without thinking I dodged it and said something along the lines of ‘not today.’ Then said my goodbye once again and got out and went inside my house.

Once I got into my house, I still felt this weird feeling. I got into my room and sat by my desk which hold my makeup mirror and makeup stuff.  I grabbed my mirror and began to take out my contacts. As I was sitting there doing so it all finally came out at once and I couldn’t help but tell myself…

“Holy shit did he just try to kiss me and I dodged that shit.”

Now looking back at it since it’s been over a month ago I didn’t think of it till now. For whatever reason it doesn’t even feel like a month has passed because I’ve just been living for work life unfortunately. It wasn’t until recently I saw a Facebook post of his go up. He changed his status to ‘In a relationship’. This wasn’t something that bothered me at all and I was happy for him so I liked the status change and commented ‘congrats. I hope this person makes you happy.’ And left some smiley emoji’s. so, then I check back to see when we hung out and that’s when I realized a month as past.

Also come to realization that we have not spoken and it was strange that we hadn’t over a month. So I laughed about it a bit but thought a little bit deeper. I checked the Facebook messenger and saw me messaged me twice and I opened the message and I did not respond. Now me I suck at responding to messages sometimes. Sometimes I respond late or not at all but also there is times where I do respond in my head for whatever reason. I didn’t respond which I found strange for me but I pushed that thought aside.