MYSTERY INC !

i hope i used the cut right idk

i just truly don't think i will ever have a desire to live. I find joy in some things and people, but no matter what i do its always going to be me with my awful thoughts at the end of the day. I wake up in the morning wishing my phone charger had wrapped around my neck and suffocated me. i get up and i force myself to eat food i can hardly even process the taste of just to not get sick. i cant afford anything that i actually enjoy eating. i cant afford to leave the house which is the only thing that brings me joy. so i go to whichever job i have that day just to make enough for a bill. then i have constant issues with my car. then i have constant flashbacks. constant chronic pain. i cant figure out medicaid yet so no healthcare for me, i cant afford it. i cant afford anything. i dont deserve healthcare apparently. so whats the point of living if its like this? do i stay at home with mommy and daddy til they die in hopes i maybe get their house so i have a chance at being a homeowner? or do i just go now and let them grieve a second child? i tried to lay down and sleep for a minute but cant. its as if im being punished by god for something.

i was diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder when i was 13 and ever since then i have felt no hope for life. i have zero will to live and zero hope it will get better. i moved out and it only got worse. all i do is smoke and smoke and smoke whether it be cigarettes or weed or whatever the fuck. i feel like shit constantly and i cant get the vitamins i need because the idea of eating makes me sick. i cant shower because im exhausted. i go to work only because i dont want to get fired but i dont know why i go if i have no will to live. i keep going and going and going like i actually care. i have no hope anymore, id rather just die but apparently thats so awful. nothing is better and i am sorry for ever thinking i deserved better. it was foolish of me, it was selfish, why should i deserve a good life while actual good people die everyday? its despicable i ever even considered i was worthy of goodness.

rules: shuffle your 'on repeat' playlist and post the first ten tracks, then tag ten people.

thank you to @sulsulzukohere, @secunda-sims and @loefyre for tagging me :)

X's & O's - Malcolm Todd

2. Text Me - Jack Murnin

3. Tendencies - The Kick

4. Riled Up - Jack Murnin

5. Toss and Turn - Jack Murnin

6. Do That Again - Malcolm Todd

7. Difficult Love - Malcolm Todd

8. Talk 2 Me - 54 Ultra

9. I Saw Your Face - Malcolm Todd

10. Gun To My Head - Malcolm Todd

idk if u can tell, i've been stuck on the new malcolm todd album for a while lmfaooo

Girl Like Me ~ Pinkpantheress

Kill Yourself ~ Fresh Air

Sucka Free ~ Tyler, The Creator

I Only Have Eyes For You ~ The Flamingos

Can I See You Tomorrow ~ Tender Touch

Love Is The Slug ~ We've Got A Fuzzbox and We're Gonna Use It!!!

Invisible Touch ~ cover by Ninja Sex Party, originally by Genesis

Please ~ Something New

Ride On Time ~ Tatsuro Yamashita

komm süsser tod ~ cover of a cover by fkuukl feat. Teto Kasane, original by Johann Sebastian Back and cover by Hideaki Anno

i just kinda go wherever and listen to whatever is put in front of me :)

Alien - Lebanon Hanover

She Deserves - LULU Suicide

How Soon Is Now? - The Smiths

False Flags - Massive Attack

Marian - The Sisters of Mercy

Age of Consent - New Order

Casualty - Snake River Conspiracy

England Made Me - Black Box Recorder

Baby’s First Disco - Lantana

Stay Frosty Royal Milk Tea - Fall Out Boy

It Tore Your Heart Out - Dirt Poor Robins

Nobody's Soldier - Hozier

Too Sweet - Hozier

Closer - Nine Inch Nails

Novocaine - Fall Out Boy

Sunshine Riptide - Fall Out Boy

Eat Your Young - Hozier

She Deserves - LULU Suicide

Wait For Me(live) - Original Cast of Hadestown

Rolling Stoned Again - Taylor McGall

Down To The River To Pray - Alison Krauss

Tick - Des Rocs

When I'm Drinkin Whiskey - Rusty Cage

Folsom Prison Blues - Sawyer Hill

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap - AC/DC

Tennessee Whiskey - Chris Stapleton

Gods Whisper - Raury

1) run rabbit by mollie elizabeth

2) dog eat dog… also by mollie elizabeth

3) laplace’s angel (hurt people? hurt people!) by will wood

4) mr. electic by laufey

5) the frost by mitski

6) west coast smoker by fall out boy

7) hollow moon (single version) by the crane wives

8) metaphor by the crane wives

9) bust your kneecaps (johnny don’t leave me) by pompaloose

10) obsessed by olivia rodrigo

really surprised that there wasn’t more fall out boy. mutual time!!

1: brown-eyed handsome man - buddy holly

2: i dreamed a dance - next to normal (obc recording)

3: words of love - buddy holly

4: raining in my heart - buddy holly

5: smokey joe’s cafe - buddy holly

6: any way the wind blows - the mothers of invention

7: little boxes - pete seeger

8: (ummmm, oh yeah) dearest - buddy holly

9: tapioca tundra - the monkees

10: wishful sinful - the doors

I'll just shuffle my giant monster playlist with every song I've ever liked

1: Dearest (I'm so Sorry) - Picture Me Broken

2: If You Can't Hang - Sleeping With Sirens

3: Hey There Delilah - Plain White T's (shut UP its a BANGER)

4: The Door Into Summer - The Monkees

5: Sunny Girlfriend - The Monkees

6: Untouched - The Veronicas (one of my favs!)

7: Our Lawyer made us change blah blah blah - Fall Out Boy (curse you pete wentz and your obnoxiously long song titles)

8: I Miss You - 5 Seconds of Summer (blink-182 cover)

9: The Phrase That Pays - The Academy Is...

10: City Walls - Twenty One Pilots!!!

20191009 I Like Her - Mac DeMarco

Egg - The Garden

Porpoise Song - The Monkees

Mr. Sandman - The Chordettes

Plastic Beach - Gorillaz

All The Young Dudes - Mott The Hoople

Goodnight Vienna - Ringo Starr

Pop Musik - M / Robin Scott

Valleri - The Monkees

Material Girl - Madonna

1. Dirty Work - Steely Dan

2. Only the Good Die Young - Billy Joel

3. The Way You Make Me Feel - Michael Jackson

4. Candy Rain - Soul For Real

5. The Sign - Ace of Base

6. Vienna - Billy Joel

7. Photograph - Ringo Starr

8. Gentle On My Mind - Glen Campbell

9. Oklahoma Backroom Dancer - The Monkees

9. Do It Again - Steely Dan

10. If This Is Just a Game - David Allan Coe

If you look into it, the right definition would be "I'm took overwhelmed so I need someone to replace me" disorder

Also it can be:

A "This thing stresses me the hell out so I no longer will remember it even if I need to" disorder.

A "I don't know who I am most of the time" disorder

A "My trauma is a rotting wound that never heals" disorder

A "I never learned healthy ways to cope so I wake up with scars I don't remember having" disorder.

A "forget everything" disorder

A "Hightened risk of suicide/alcoholism/drug abuse" disorder

A "other parts of my self hate my guts and sabotage me (and themselves too in process)" disorder

A "I'm not sure whether those memories are real or a dream" disorder

A "I thought I was saying the truth but people say I'm lying" disorder

A "did I actually do it or just thought about it?" disorder

A "Being near some people or reading something even briefly mentioning/implying my trauma makes me spiral" disorder

A "I dissociate all the time" disorder

A "how the hell did I end up here?" disorder

A "the world around me doesn't feel real" disorder

A "I'm so depressed I can't get out of bed and haven't showered in weeks" disorder

And strangely enough, you can't have all that without repeated childhood trauma.

Anyway if voices suddenly appear in your head, it could be caused by a schizoaffective disorder, by a mold infestation, by medication, by a BRAIN TUMOR, and without any other information, it may be this thing called "thinking"