My So-Called Gender

Also I really wish that my brains solution to every fucking thing big or small wasn’t boiling down to “just kill yourself”

These two things aren’t entirely related, just got too much on my mind. I wish I could escape my problems somehow but everything is inevitable.

Going to try to make the focus of it be on writing, both in who i follow, friends are exceptions of course, and what i post. I’m not going to be too strict on the posting part but I want to at least keep a lot of my negativity off it if I can.

Going to need to get some beta readers soon. That should be fun. And scary. I need to get some lgbt+ readers for sure to make sure I’m getting stuff right and not fucking things up.

But...

My dad is still being a dick about my transition and won’t even talk to me on the phone, even going so far as to try to send messages through his fiance instead of texting me directly.

It would be nice to have one parent at least. But she’s so fucking toxic and such a horrible person.

Idk what to do. I want to keep up the “fuck that” attitude towards her but my dad is making that really hard.

I just want to die already.

I really love this book, I just wish it was already finished so I could share it with people. After setting it up in the app I count about 8 chapters missing that I need to write still. After that it will be a solid draft to show people. Currently it’s missing a whole adventure for one of the secondary main characters.

I submitted a script to this years Nicholls Fellowship. Didn’t make it to the quarter finals though. Still, that was something I’ve wanted to do for years. I’m planning on submitting to Zoetrope’s screenplay contest at the start of September. Same script but a bit edited.

My family has pretty much abandoned me. And by family I mean my dad. My sister was already ignoring me as well as my brother. And I still can’t stand my mother. So that sucks. He even got engaged recently and still hasn’t told me himself. I found out because I have his gf now fiance, on FB. Not sure why I have her on there tbh. I might make a post on him later. Kinda need to vent on it anyway. Been dealing with it since the begining of the year and he refuses to talk about it.

We are moving soon. The gf is buying her own house so that’s kinda exciting yet stressful. Going to have to move out to the desert though due to budget. Not happy about that but will be nice to have our own place again.

My depression is all over the place. I spend most days laying in bed staring at the ceiling because nothing is interesting and all I want is to die. Considering recently I was denied my bariatric surgery because of the suicide risks, which shuts down my hopes of losing enough weight for my bottom surgery, I’m doing really fucking badly. I have no real hope left, I don’t know why I’m still here.