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Today at a party someone asked me if I was ok because my face looked blank. The truth was that I was frozen and too afraid to show my emotions. I was paralyzed in fear and if I was happy or sad or angry you wouldn’t know because my face is paralyzed in fear and once again I couldn’t think. People often comment that it is so hard to read me. When I am with people I am comfortable with I feel so free and animated...

I remember even as a young child at two years old it was hard to speak. Friends of my parents would sit at the table next to us at a restaurant and I would ask my parents in Bengali so the people next to us wouldn’t understand for them to go away. I couldn’t speak because friends of my parents were sitting at the table next to us. It sounds so silly but that is what happened. 

I had such a bad day at school and felt so insecure because everyone treated me like I was invisible because I couldn’t talk. It was my goal to make a friend today but everyone ignored me. I tried to say hi to someone but they didn’t hear me. When I got home I took out all my anger on my mom and just went into my room. When she asked me if I wanted dinner I said something rude. Then I sat in my room and cried for hours and wouldn’t come out. I feel like I am nothing at school. When my mom asks me how school was I say “fine” but I feel like I am crumbling inside.

My grandfather was trying to talk to me but I felt imidated by him and kept freezing. Right now I keep freezing because my boyfriend keeps shouting at  me, again. The more people shout at me, the more I freeze. I can’t think, I can’t move, I can’t even write properly. My hands are trembling. But when he goes out of the room, it is easier for me to think again and I feel calmer and move again. Suddenly I am not frozen again and my arms don’t feel so tense. My neck feels more relaxed. I wish he would go away and stop yelling at me because I feel so frozen. 

Today I felt frozen because a friend of mine kept yelling at me and the more they yelled more frozen I felt. I couldn’t think, I kept stumbling into people. And the more I kept embarassing myself the more frozen I felt. Tomorrow I will try not to let my anxiety take over me. I look dead to people but I feel like I am stuck inside my own body and paralyzed with anxiety. Maybe tomorrow will be better. My boyfriend is staring at me right now yelling at me right now and it is hard to move or think. My body feels so tense...

Today I went to the supermarket and I couldn’t look at the the person at the cash register in the eye no matter how hard I tried and it made me anxious and not able to focus on getting my groceries. I kept stumbling on getting my groceries because I felt like the person at the cash register was watching me and judging me even though it is completely illogical. So I gave up on making I eye contact, kept my head down, and I could still feel the person at the cash register judging me. I just wish that I could make eye contact with the person at the cash register so that she could know that I was normal and not judge me. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to. I will take my medication that makes it easier and makes me feel more relaxed and able to make eye contact. It’s just that every time I try, my brain goes into panic mode and I can’t think clearly.

When people were talking to me in class today I found myself having trouble looking at them in the eyes. I would just look down and I could see people judging me and looking at me like I was weird and that made me even more scared to make eye contact with them. But then, out of the blue, someone said something nice to me and I found it a little easier to look into their eyes-but I still felt terrified for some reason. Eye contact is something that I have been working on for a long time now. But whenever I try it gets so hard and I start trembling, so I just look down instead. When I look into someone’s eyes I start panicking and not being able to think. I got down on myself today because I couldn’t make eye contact with anyone. I hope that I can do better tomorrow. 

So today I found myself working really hard to stay positive even though I was anxious and in a really negative mood anyway the part that bothered me the most I knew what to say and I knew that my points were valid however every time I tried to get those points across somehow I kept talking in a way that left everybody confused and not able to understand the point that I was trying to make this is what happens and I get very reluctant to share sometimes because I've been getting nervous which leads to anxious which can lead to a variety of different things including either anger or resentment predominantly towards myself however it can also come out in different ways depending on who is around and who I speak to about the situation it's really difficult when you know exactly what you wanna say and you try to say it and even somebody who's very close to you can't understand

You never know when you're gonna have a really good day and have the ability to talk to people and have your sentences be on target and make sense to everybody that you speak to her today was one of those days I was able to get my point across to everybody that I came in contact with and I'm doing so I really think I was able to make some good acquaintances with people who I normally wouldn't speak with what's interesting is that there really is no rhyme or reason as to what day is a good day where I can talk to people versus a bad day where I feel shy and fearful about speaking my mind and getting my point across. I really do wish that there was someway where I could know that I would be able to get my ability to speak under control and not have to worry about my selective mutism and how it will be viewed and how I would be affected by it

I would have to say that fear is a great motivator for me I have always found that the more I fear something the more I am willing to try to understand it and then if I want to be a part of it but today was hard because I was with my boyfriend and we were out with his professional friends who are all different types of fine artists all masters in their field who have been accepted by the art world and have managed to make a name for themselves which is wonderful for them but what do I have to offer in that conversation and how do I become involved in the conversation. There were several times when my boyfriend actively tried to bring me into the conversation with topics that I knew about and to be honest I was pretty good with it we talked about music mostly classical and then we made the conversation later and talked about different types of foods we liked and other things that made the conversation fairly easy and when I found was even though initially I had a fear come into this conversation the people we're not only nice but they were also intelligent and able to make me feel good about being a part of the group so sometimes fear doesn't have to be so scary

So today I had to have a presentation with a team that basically ignored me the entire time I was there and left me to do work on my own because the people that were in the group seem to know each other which isn't the problem generally but in this case it really made things difficult with regards to me being able to talk to anybody so I felt incredibly shy which led me to be completely non-conversational  and keep to myself and I'm trying my hardest to get over this and avoid feeling this way but again I find that my selective mutism comes into play and gives me incredible anxiety which saves me from being able to be a part of the group.  It's OK I tell myself every day that I'm going to be part of the group and try harder and do everything that I can to make sure that I participate and then I try to participate and somehow it always gets  messed up

What a wonderful day today was so I put my best foot forward and I saw someone that looked like they needed a friend so as they were leaving the building I said them aside and first asked if they were all right and we were able to have a conversation just the two of us and it was great she thanked me for taking the time out of the day for caring and we actually were able to talk about making potential plans and getting together in the future.  I was so proud of myself for being able to not only talk to her but to make her feel better about her situation and afterwards my boyfriend noticed that I had the conversation and told me that he was so proud of me for making that effort and that it really is amazing to watch all the positive things that are beginning to happen especially once you open yourself up to other people.

Today was really hard for me I finally got the guts up to raise my hand and participate in class teacher who knows that I have selective mutism saw me with my hand raised and still refused to call me I don't understand what I did wrong or what I should do in the future to get her to call me it's important because it allows me to be a part of the class but more importantly it allows me to speak and  I will be a part of for quite some time.  Ideally they can call me as much as they want because I'm going into a field where I'm going to be helping people with selective Mutism but it's going to take a little while to get there

What do I have to do to make the anxiety go away because whatever it is I'll do it today but just like any other day I was out with my boyfriend and to make matters worse he was taking me shopping for jewelry and I was so excited to go but then I don't know where this anxiety washed over me and all I could think about was getting out of there getting away from him even though he did nothing wrong and I love him and just going home so I could be alone and away from everybody it really makes me sad because I know that it makes my boyfriend think that I have a problem with him and there's nothing wrong with my relationship other than I get anxious which sometimes then turns to anger and then all of a sudden we are fighting when I was nothing but a beautiful day prior to that I truly wish I could just snap my fingers and make this go away but now that I can't and I have to live with it and I also know that the person that I love the most also has to live with it 

These are some of the worst days that I have altogether when I wake up in the morning and I feel this huge knot in my chest and I can't make it go away no matter what I do I don't necessarily know what it's from or where it comes from but I do know that I can't make it go away easily and sometimes it completely rules me and I end up staying in bed all day doing nothing because I'm too anxious to move sometimes i'll take different prescribe medicines to try to help me but at the end of the day they don't really work and I am still just as anxious as the day goes by as I was first thing in the morning I wish there was a way to make my head stop from going a mile a minute but it doesn't seem like there's any hope or end in sight it's so hard having so I selective mutism it really does affect every part of my life

So as you know some days are better than others and today I started off telling myself that no matter what I was going to make an effort to not only talk in class but to be a part of my group and share information for our project however. When I finally got up the nerve to talk every time that I tried to say something I was cut off by another member of the group end it made me feel really embarrassed that I wasn't able to be a part of the conversation because I was too embarrassed and afraid to get my point across and to make it known how I feel when people cut me off in the middle of a sentence

Today is one of those days that I really wish I did not have selective mutism I was walking through Morristown which isn't much of a city but I definitely saw a group of people that absolutely scared me and made me feel fear and there was really no reason for that to happen they didn't do anything they didn't say anything it was just my innate feelings of them that caused me to create this entire story inside my head of who these people were and what they were capable of and that they were thinking of attacking me and bothers me the most is that they could've been good people but there's no way I would ever had to know that because my fear would never let me go up and just talk to them