Manderlay

One is an 18 year old who followed me despite my very embarrassing but necessary but constantly ignored NO TEENS in bio. Maybe I need to make it all caps. It’s such an humiliation to have to put something like that anyhow, it’s so ugly and gaudy and ridiculous, carrd and pinned intro post style, embarrassing!!!!!!!!!!! And to have it be ignored just adds salt to that wound. I still have teenagers following me because apparently half my current fandom is x reader (vomit emoji) and the other half is teenagers. The overlap might be severe. Either way, what I’m trying to say is that it’s not NEW that people ignore my personal preference of keeping my fandom space teen-free. (Disclaimer: I don’t really care if teens read erotica, whatever, I did, too, but I’m an adult and I do not want these people anywhere close to me). Anyhow. I usually soft block them (and x readers), but this particular person followed me back on the very same day and now I’m a little at a loss? Gently pushing them out the door again feels rude. Maybe I should just ignore them but their blog is so very irritating to me and I truly do not want them near me. Plus, it feels stupid to be lenient to THEM when I did regret soft blocking some very interesting 19yo artists or influential x reader writers. Like I should’ve been lenient towards these people, not this child over here. But I secretly hope that the people I soft block don’t really notice and we can all be at peace forever, but if I soft block them again, they’ll probably, hopefully, unfortunately notice. All very stupid.

The other one at one point added a tag to a ficlet I’d written that pissed me off because it was acknowledging what I said about the fic and “respectfully” dismissing it, proving 1) disrespect lol 2) profound misunderstanding what I’d meant to say with the fic. This person is like my personal enemy because they prove that whatever I want to write is just not going to fly in that particular fandom and I’ll never find anyone who actually cares about what I have to say. And this person actually comments on my ao3 fics, too, I think(?), like they are somewhat aware of my presence, apparently, and they have no idea they pissed me off and hurt me to this degree. I made the ficlet unrebloggable after their tag and stopped sharing my writing for these two after. Drama queen behaviour but it’s so absurd to me that they do NOT know that. lol.

The conclusion for both of these separate feuds is that I’m way too thin skinned and too tense and irritable to be in fandom spaces at the moment. I know that. I should just stop altogether and either focus on writing or stop that, too, and do something more useful with my time. It’s also very likely that this is a sign that something is deeply wrong with my sense of self, the very delicate constitution and constant snapping, pouting being hurt etc all point in the direction that I’m compensating for something or overreacting and should take this elsewhere. My ego is too big and too fragile, I’m truly NOT suited for any kind of public exposure at the moment, especially not one that 1) is measurable via stats/activity 2) might bring some kind of feedback (comments, tags) 3) is supposed to be FUN, oh my god. But that’s not an issue to discuss online.