it’s taking so much self control to not try to find something wrong, to wonder what the catch is because it all feels too good to be true. i have my worries. i’ve talked to them about my fear of idealizing me but they insist they’re just being honest and see me as a whole. i get scared when people describe me “like an angel.” i fear the first view of me is the best, then when you get to the core of me… well idk. it’s not as if i’m terrible. maybe an emptiness. they say most importantly, i have a good heart, and i know they aren’t wrong. i just don’t feel good enough to deserve this after last time. i was constantly measured by her as lacking. what i have to offer is not a lot - just myself. i just have trouble believing after how my last treated me & saw me that someone could honestly, truly see me in this light. i have trouble believing something won’t change down the road and i’ll be devalued and mistreated. but i digress. despite this i have faith. i’m living in the moment. having faith in love requires so much courage.

roland barthes, a lover’s discourse

roland barthes, a lover’s discourse

mari shimizu