why does studying critical theory or pursuing knowledge feel so useless to actually change anything? education is important. but for example i work part time admin for a sociologist and i watch her live a pretty sheltered hedonistic life that sort of negates all the topics she preaches about (for example ordering tons of needless amazon packages while preaching that the methods of late capitalism abuses people. not to criticize her but noticing a pattern in general) obviously its not about achieving moral purity or anything in that sense as that’s impossible and not the point i’m trying to make but there’s something about academia that really grates me but i’m having trouble verbalizing. obviously hypocrisy exists in everything because the world is impossible. i kind of want to study mass media because that’s my interest but why do i feel i will just end up funneled into a marketing job. i’m feeling very pessimistic about everything and not sure that’s helping anything. the forces cannot be stopped

i think i’m experiencing anhedonia again, which i hope is just because summer bums me out and not a sign i’m getting worse again. i can usually tell because music doesn’t sound good. i’m trying to avoid good music (just listening to instrumentals) because i don’t want to wear out songs i like when i can’t feel anything, feels like a waste. like i try to listen to my favorite songs, but i don’t feel anything. i read or do things i used to like and i don’t feel anything. i just want to sit in bed. the fear of wasting more of my youth is enveloping me. the sun is too bright.