how did we let this happen

emotional about ilya and alexei again. the thing about growing up in an abusive household together is whether you want or not, you wind up defending each other. you cover for each other. you are on the same side. and sometimes you use each other as collateral, and sometimes you sic the abuser on your sibling to save yourself, and it’s always always a negotiation, you are always counting your allies, and sometimes (sometimes not, but still also sometimes) that ally is your sibling. sometimes it is you and them against whatever else. you learn to talk with your eyes, with your face, with half an eyebrow. you develop a language entirely confined to the two of you, for one explicit purpose, which is deescalation and survival. don’t go in there he’s in a bad mood. sit back down, she’s jumpy today. you live through a war together. and sometimes that brings you close and sometimes that pushes you apart but ultimately fundamentally they are the one thing nobody else on the planet is, they are your witness. they are the only one who knows what it was really truly like. they are the only other person who was there.

after they retire and are trailing into their mid-late 40s i think they get kinda fat btw. just some real solid Guys w the same strength they had but no real need to keep up a Performance Body

I am at all times thinking about older Shane and Ilya where Shane has stopped manscaping & now has a soft treasure trail on his stomach & Ilya has stopped working out as much so he’s developed a little pudge around his waist & Shane needs his glasses 24/7 & he has a Maxwell Sheffield-esque streak of gray in his hair meanwhile Ilya’s hair is still mostly blonde but you can see the silvery strands in the sunlight & they both have laugh lines burrowed into their skin & sometimes when they look at each other they can still see the 18 year old boy they had a crush on but sometimes all they can see is the reason they stayed & fought & survived

the first time shane & ilya spend ilya’s birthday together i think the vibe really is ‘saying all of my dog’s favorite words in the same sentence’ because shane wants to make sure its ilya’s best birthday ever & doesn’t know how to do anything by half . shanevoice ilya pay attention i have a plan (nooo hollanderrrrr i want to fuck you NOW is my birthday :((((( how could u be so cruel to me) ok we’re taking the ferrari to mcdonald’s for mcgriddles (ilya visibly perking up) you are allowed to go 125 km/h but only if the coast is clear (imaginary tail beginning to wag) & you have to slow down if you want road head . when we get home we are taking a pot gummy & going swimming & i am grilling for lunch (ilya, his eyes huge, in the apron i bought for you?) yes ilya in the meat daddy apron . then shower, nap, one beer, dinner at my parents’ house, home by 6, and then i’ll give you your birthday present 🙂 does that sound good ? ilya, crying, shane this is my best birthday ever (shanevoice ilya it’s 9 am we haven’t even done any of it yet) MY BEST BIRTHDAY EVER WITH MY BOYFRIEND WHO I LOVE . & after they fuck (because obviously that was the first thing on the agenda shane just likes when ilya whines & begs for it & ilya does too) shane is back-to-business rustling around the bedroom putting their clothes out & talking about nothing while ilya watches from the bed w the big dopey smile of a man enamored with the bus that just ran him over