heyyy

@boitterfly excellent question thank u for asking. her name tag reads ‘JANE T.’ & ilya thinks, ‘Ha, that’s funny,’ when he first sees it without really considering why that would be funny to anyone ever . & then twenty minutes later shane notices she has this really brutal scrape on her forearm when her sleeve rides up refilling their waters, & when he asks about it, she goes, “What? Oh! That. I’m in a pretty intense roller derby league 🙂 Forgot it was even there!” & all the blood drains out of ilya’s face because NOW he remembers he used to fuck with cliff by waxing poetic about his roller derby queen of canada Jane Tropicana who plays for the montreal metrosexuals & sucks dick like a champion . for the rest of dinner ilya is subtly trying to obtain any information about jane t. that would suggest he somehow accidentally ensouled his fake girlfriend in a way that would lead her to seek vengeance against his amazing wonderful real life husband . jane t. just thinks he’s a bit strange & keeps politely rebuffing him, but unfortunately this only proves to ilya that his conspiracy is 100% correct .

so they get in the car & ilya immediately spills his guts like MYSHANE MY OLD FAKE GIRLFRIEND IS FUCKING REAL WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO !!! just completely freaked out, talking faster than the speed of light, etc etc . & when he finally purges all of this & takes his first actual breath of air in a full minute, shane just goes, “wasn’t her name was janet though?”

ilya, eyes darting around the room: it’s jane uh… jane glass

marly (has seen the brady bunch): w-