Beautiful Nightmare

Just go fuck yourself

I don’t even know what to do anymore.

What the fuck happened.

Life

Fuck my life. My anxiety has returned full fucking force tonight. Remind to never have coffee again. Like that relationship is officially over. I had to take half a clonesepam tonight even. My body just feels off. Struggling to breathe. Restless. Can't sleep. Super unhappy. Feels so anxious. I know it's anxiety i know it is but it's manifesting. Super thirsty as well can't stop drinking water.... panic panic panic. Why has this been so hard on me? Why am I so miserable without a dog?? I just can't function like I did before..... I'm so upset

Hard to believe that just 6 years ago this little man came into my life. He rescued me more times than I can count. He was my best friend who never left my side. He got me through some of life's biggest challenges and always knew how to comfort me in moments of weakness. Two months ago as my own health finally started to improve... his started to decline, he held off until I was ready and for that I am so so blessed. Today, I had to say goodbye to that little man as the pain was just too much for him even at 15 years young. RIP Bambam, I will never forget you.

I lay here on my couch beside Bambam and I'm losing my shit. He's had a heart attack tonight I can tell, while some might wonder why I didn't rush to the emergency room... I can tell you: he's going to die. I already know this. Rewind to March... March. My birthday is on the 6th and every year I plan amazing celebrations to be with my friends and ring in another great year. This year was different while I was turning 29, I decided not to celebrate. I told my friends I was worrying about being older and wasn't really in a celebrating mood. Reality was that I was stressed out of my mind as two days prior I was told by the vet that my precious bambam didn't have long to live. I made some major decisions following that news spent thousands of dollars on additional testing only to find out the truth was he wasn't going to make it. He got put on some pills and we were told to enjoy our time we had left together. I was devastated. March was one of the hardest months I'd had in a long time. April was okay... he seemed to start having more energy and was more like himself. May was even better! He was back, full blown happy go lucky bambam. Eating lots, running around jumping up and down. This false glimmer of hope has created the monster of emotions I am today. I really thought he could live like this for the whole summer, maybe even into next year.... Tonight, that became reality of being a false truth. Chatting away on the phone cuddling in bed together the night was normal and like any other Wednesday. Until something happened... he started choking or his normal coughing sound but his body was convolsing I could literally see his heart beating through his skin. He could only stand and wouldn't move... He's still not moving.... I picked him up and held him and just cried, cried so hard. Reached out to a few close friends but realized it's 12 am and no one is awake. He sits in front of me, with the tears in his eyes. Won't eat bacon or anything at all. This is near the end, I just know it.

Saturday dose at 9pm Sunday no dose Monday dose at 530pm

Started 5mg cipralex two days ago in order to help me get off clonazepam. I start weining tomorrow to 0.25 I'm so nervous

Another complete breakdown, just crying wondering why am I so sad and anxious? Mostly sad. I just want to hide in my apt for days on end and not see anyone. Who have I become? I miss when I loved social activities, I miss not crying everyday. I miss being me. Life hurts and I don't know why. Every time I cry I can see Granny just telling me I can do better. I miss her so fucking much, she believed in me when no one else did. She showed me more about love and patience than anyone else I know. I admire that woman and I only wish she was here now to help guide me through the dark. With love.