skips every song on my ipod

lets the music play without interruption

Every single dad packed into the car:

Your husband and all his coworkers:

It’s essay writing season for tons of students!

After being a college writing tutor for over a year, I thought I would share my advice with all you awesome people on tumblr. This is how I write essays, but if you’ve got more tips, feel free to add them below. 

How to write a kickass essay with ½ the stress A kickass ppt by wittacism

SLIDE 2:

Find out what your teacher wants

get the assignment prompt and break it down into its individual parts

this becomes your skeleton for your essay

spooky

SLIDE 3:

Don’t start with the introduction paragraph

seriously this is a great way of stumping yourself ten minutes into the writing process

you’re trying to write an intro for a paper that doesn’t exist yet???

start with the first body paragraph

SLIDE 4:

Your awesome body paragraphs

the cool thing about the essay is that you pretty much get to tell people what to think

don’t hold back

your name is already on the top of the page

so whatever you say

try to really mean it

SLIDE 5:

Conclusion paragraph

the conclusion is like the end of a 30 second commercial where they hold the product up at the end just in case you forgot you were watching a Hot Pockets commercial

hold up all your arguments for the audience one more time

just in case they forgot what they just read

SLIDE 6:

Introduction paragraph

now that you have some kickass body paragraphs and a conclusion, rewrite your conclusion in introduce your topic

notice how its 300x easier to introduce something AFTER you’ve written it

slap a badass thesis statement on the end of your intro

SLIDE 7:

Badass thesis statements

remember that skeleton we made in slide 2?

get it back out

make a single sentence that talks about all those points

it’s totally cool to write a sentence that says, “In this essay, I argue that…”

then just list those things

done

SLIDE 8:

Quotes

quotes are a great way to make yourself look credible and to add length to your paper

lets be honest, no one actually wants to write 2,000 words

you need to talk before and after a quote

tell people who you’re quoting

tell people why they should care

SLIDE 9:

Citations!

fun fact: Microsoft Word’s citation maker is literally the scum of the earth

never ever use it

use citationmachine.net instead

or make your own

(it takes about the same amount of time with a lil’ practice)

SLIDE 10:

Done

go get yourself a milkshake

because you have a rough draft, my friend

be proud of yourself

feel better;  it’s been a long week, not moving from your permanently dark bedroom, your phone forgotten under the bed with a hundred missed messages, but you’re finally opening your eyes and seeing a sliver of early morning sunlight filter in behind the curtains that a mysterious breeze blew open.

daisy chains;  it’s late spring or early summer and you’re dozing with your best friends in the grass, the slow and peaceful brush of the warm breeze keeping you in that state of just waking from a pleasant dream.

songs to run away to;  you’re packing an overnight bag and taking the first bus out of the city. you’re not exactly running away, but you don’t plan on coming back. all you know is that your only goal is to keep on running.

classical jams;  it’s your fancy neighbour’s annual ball held in their gothic castle and you’re getting turnt to tchaikovsky while very deliberately disappointing your parents who wanted you to use the occasion to find an upstanding suitor.

kpop coffee shop;  a sweet and gentle kpop playlist for studying, chilling, and having a generally nice time. it sounds like every nice cafe you walked into that motivated you to finish all your work with a latte.

wanna feel like you’re in a ‘coming of age’ movie? you’re probably gonna wanna listen to indie/alt music

you wanna dance like it’s your last day on earth? probably wanna try edm  

Finally, a sane celebrity who doesn’t bend the knee to feminist bullshit.

When Brad Pitt did Fight Club, he was cutting weight for every single scene to maintain his physique at 155. I’ve you’ve ever cut weight, you know how horrible that must have been. He did it because they needed a “look”.

Changing Tatum said his Magic Mike body doesn’t last for more than five days. He starved down and dehydrated his already fit physique for a “look”.

The male soldiers on Spartacus: Blood and Sand were eating pretty much chicken and veggies for every meal to maintain a “look”.

Yeah, he is ripped, isn’t he?

Well, it is true, but to get that kind of definition, he went through 36 hour period of dehydration, which caused him to temporarily lose 10 pounds of “water weight”. 

Thus during the fight scene he was filming, he was a hair breadth from blacking out whole time, just to look unrealistically muscular.

As he said during interview with Steven Colbert, “If You go three days without water, You will die. Then, when You are halfway there they shout ‘Roll it!”

It’s the same with professional bodybuilders who get into periods of extreme fasting and dehydration to lower their fat-to-muscle ratio to inhuman levels, all in hopes of making their muscle definition a bit better.

According to experts, healthy body fat percentage for a healthy male ranges from 8% to 20%, depending on height, lifestyle and numerous other variables. 

Fitness model and professional bodybuilder Helmut Strebl also known as “World’s Most Shredded Man” as he supposedly managed to get his body fat percentage below 5%…

… But only when he partakes in competitions, since it is not humanly possible to live with such low fat percentage of one’s body for longer periods of time.

I mean, yeah, he keeps a draconian training regime, as well as a very strict diet even off-season, but looks much more human then…

There are documented cases of incredibly fit and muscular bodybuilders fainting on the stage in the middle of their flexing routines, as well as several who outright died, because of cardiac arrest caused by their blood becoming too thick, due to long dehydration…

And let’s not forget about Muscle Dysmorphia, colloquially known as “Megarexia” or “Bigarexia”.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muscle_dysmorphia

Yeah, it’s a thing, but it’s barely talked about, since it’s apparently not manly to admit to having problems like that, which also creates problems with researching this particular disorder…

one of the reasons producers get away with this in men and no one criticizes it is because we are fed the lie that this body type is 1) attainable and 2) healthy.

ignoring the fact that this is literally something out of some kind of dystopian novel, in the interests of safety i’ve emptied out my face tag and may temporarily deactivate or password protect this blog.