1996

Status:

Several years ago I volunteered at an aquarium. What most people don’t know is that for most of the rare and unique specimens, the aquarium usually has a second one down in the wet lab, so that the animals can get switched out if they are stressed or sick or just want a break from being on display.

My job was to clean the lobster tanks down in the wet lab. So I don’t know if you know much about lobsters, but they can be quite aggressive and will kill (and eat) each other. They will, however, don’t mind sharing a large tank if they are separated by dividers, or if their claws are clamped shut with rubber bands.

So all morning I am grabbing lobsters, banding them, putting them in coolers, and scrubbing tanks, and throughout this whole time I am being watched.

In a tank near the entrance way is a massive lobster–we’re talking over four feet long and nearly twenty pounds. It was his turn to get some rest while his “twin” (who is actually a good foot shorter than he is) was on display in the tanks upstairs in the aquarium. This guy is so big he has his own tank, which was actually a modified plastic horse trough with salt water circulation through it. He was happy as a clam (er, lobster) in there and the aquarium has learned over the years that he likes to be the center of attention, so his tank is right by the entrance way so he can keep his eyes on us.

His favorite game is to lunge and snap his claws at anyone who gets close to him. His claws are bigger than oven mitts, and his crusher claw has definitely seen some action because it is dented and pitted like a well-worn suit of armor. Since he’s alone in his tank, there’s no need to band his claws, which he loves to wave and snap in the most ferocious way.

However, as vicious and mean as he is, his claws are too heavy for him to lift above the surface of the water.

Librarian: -slides me a blank library postcard- Write your address on this like it would be mailed to you.

Me: Sure?

Librarian: -takes it back- Great! Now we have mail with your address on it!

Me: …does it really work that way?

“There actually isn’t a rule that says I can’t cast this spell. I checked.”

“Which book?”