i also think there's a counterintuitive thing where the pressure to label every traumatic or even just upsetting sexual experience as rape actually increases the amount of uncomfortable sexual situations a lot of us subject ourselves to--not to get personal or anything, but like, when i was deep in the depths of that kind of thinking, i had significantly more sexual encounters, on the regular, that left me stressed or depressed.
i was averse to safewording, because in my mind, "being upset during sex" was a "sign" of being raped, and i knew that i wasn't being raped and didn't want to put the responsibility for my discomfort on my sex partners. so i just... didn't safeword, and didn't talk about being uncomfortable when i was, because i didn't want to jumpstart the I Am Being Sexually Assaulted narrative when i didn't feel like it fit my experiences.
this also fed into my pure-O OCD tendencies--sex would constantly devolve into a mental obsession over "am i happy? do i feel comfortable? if i feel uncomfortable, i'm being assaulted. do i feel like i'm being assaulted?" just like. obsessing, on loop, over and over again. i highly doubt this would have affected someone who doesn't have pre-existing trauma and obsessive compulsions nearly as strongly, but i think it's important to illustrate that this sort of thing harms people with pre-existing sexual trauma more than anyone else.
i have now learned that i can express discomfort and genuine upset during sex and it does not need to be about me being sexually assaulted specifically, and this has reduced the number of sexual situations i am uncomfortable in on the regular down to zero!
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