Moonmad Mist

the specialist: this author has a favorite kink or trope and has written 80% of the content in that tag. you know exactly what you’re getting. they have A Brand™️. no matter what other traits they display, dedicated rare pair authors belong here.

the chocolate box: essentially the exact opposite. this author will try anything once. they have 80+ works in the fandom with no discernible pattern. the shortest one is 268 words and the longest is well over 100k. this breed of author may or may not be related to:

the renaissance fan: they’ve written three things in your fandom: your favorite fic, your notp, and a bizarre crossover with a show you’ve never heard of. you hit “expand fandoms list” on their author page and have to scroll down twice to reach the bottom. whenever you curse the fact that you can’t legally commission fic writers, this is the author you’re thinking about.

the horn dog: they’re here for one thing and one thing only. if someone’s dick is not in another character’s mouth within 500 words, they apologize for it in the author’s notes. they have one (1) g-rated fic.

the rookie: this writer is usually young, new to fandom, or just got a beta-reader for the first time. their fics are a little all over the place, quality-wise, but you’re excited whenever their name pops up because their unique voice gets stronger every time. you feel a personal investment in their development, like you’re an old man reading the local high school sports page and saying “this kid’s the one to watch.”

the live streamer: the most prolific author in the fandom. their works are all over the front page when you sort by kudos. you have no idea how they generate this much work, and have seriously wondered if they have access to an extra-dimensional time portal. their stories are usually un-beta’d and the characterization varies wildly, but their best works are inspired and you’ve read them 30 times.

the cryptid: this one comes out of nowhere every two years, drops the best fanfic you’ve ever read, and disappears. fifteen months after you left a three paragraph comment about how they changed your life, you get a message in your inbox that just says “thanks.”

the novelist: we talk about “filing off the serial numbers” when someone reworks their most popular story to pitch it as an original novel; this author somehow does the reverse. their fics are excellent, usually long-reaching multi-chapter AUs that have almost nothing to do with the on-screen characters except their names. i’d like to extend my personal thanks to this breed of author because it’s the closest i get to reading an actual book.

the reunion tour: this author wrote some of the most popular works in the fandom, but either moved on to k-pop or burned out when canon took a turn for the worse. they put out one new thing a year, often an old draft that’s been haunting them from under the floorboards. their last six author’s notes all say they never thought they’d write this pairing again and “this will probably be the last time.”

This Ring quest will have two hobbits. Maximum.

Then they all get to Rivendell and have somehow multiplied into four hobbits. And it's like. Okay. Maybe the others are right.

Maybe this is too many hobbits.

We have as many hobbits as we have not-hobbits.

But damn it, you just don't want to get rid of any of these hobbits. Screw it! Everyone can deal. Four hobbits. This is a four hobbits problem.

So away you go.

And things go bad in the worst possible way.

Over and over.

You've lost your hobbits. You've lost yourself. The fellowship has been separated.

It takes everything in your power to help the humans defend themselves, bringing them together to save Rohan. Finally, as things begin to look upright, you're ready to face the war with everything the Rohirrim have left.

You're ready to face him. This may be the hardest battle you've ever fought. But you ride.

Then you get there and two of your fucking hobbits are sitting there like "Yeah, while you were gone, we raised a tree army and beat Saruman's ass. Wanna help us loot his tower?"

....

There were not, in fact, too many hobbits.

So he holds up in mordor gathering a new army, and only after about a century is he strong enough to do cool magic shit again, by that time however the ring hadnt been used in decades so there were no whispers of it except oops we found this weird little fucker who keeps yelling about his fucking precious, better go check out “shire baggins” whatever the fuck that is

So he finds out a fucking hobbit has his ring which in middle earth terms is like finding out mr magoo has your fucking nuclear launch codes. So he starts sending wave after wave of his own men to get the ring and they keep failing cause this fucking hobbit has friends. He has his homie saruman send some uruk-hai to get them and then sends some goblins to make sure everything goes right but for no apparent reason they stop reporting in, (something about horses and trees?) so he sends a guy to ask saruman straight out wheres my fucking ring and saruman straight up lies about it. Next thing he hears saruman has launched an all our invasion of rohan with 10000 uruk-hai so rip the bronies right? Nope the next day his army is defeated and saruman has fucking vanished.

Confused as fuck now sauron gets a fucking phone call from a god damn hobbit (ITS YOU!) but all he gets out of the little sovereign citizen is some shit about “i do not answer questions” and next thing he hears the hobbit has gone to fucking gondor. Alright send fucking everything we got, take gondor do whatever it takes get my fucking ring back. And what does he have to worry about right? After all even if rohan helps he’ll still win. Wtf is that an army of ghosts???!?!?!?

So then hes sitting there with his diminished army trying to figure out his next plan of attack and he gets another fucking phone call from the god damn great grandson of the prick who cut off his ring in the first place. “Oi cunt i got ur ring and im gonna fuc u up m8!” *click*

Goody he thinks, this arrogant sob is gonna bring my ring right to me, time to throw everything i got at this bastard. So then the fight starts hes super excited cause hes clearly winning and OH DEAR GOD MY RING IS IN THE VOLCANO HOW THE FU- *dies*

Midwinter in the Shire 🌨️🎄✨

a) garden gnomes are actually real (and they are personal friends with at least 2)

b) they had passed through the “cursed forest,” and the “monsters” there are actually so cool that one guy is about to physically fight you for disrespecting slender man

c) two of your good family friends have died tragically

d) one guy pulls out the actual nemean lion skin and declares himself to be the descendant of hercules, with indisputable proof right there in front of you

It’s when something is RIGHT above your eyebrows. Safely out of peripheral vision, and you thought you ducked, but didn’t duck far enough, OR you just weren’t paying attention and didn’t get the visual memo because WRONG SIDE FOR GOOD PERIPHERAL, and you go THUNK.

And it is NOT THE FEEL GOODS

The absolute WORST is a short door on STAIRS.

It’s tall enough on the stairs.

But when you step on the DOOR stair - THUNK - ducking miscalculated.

Fic Covers | Sansukh by @determamfidd   for @thecryofthegulls​

The battle was over, and Thorin Oakenshield awoke, naked and shivering, in the Halls of his Ancestors.

The  novelty of being dead fades quickly, and watching over his companions  soon fills him with grief and guilt. Oddly, a faint flicker of hope  arises in the form of his youngest kinsman, a Dwarf of Durin’s line with  bright red hair.

It lengthened your life.

It enabled you to read the surface thoughts of those around you - this is the background noise that surrounds Frodo in the shadow realm. This is also why Gollum liked the riddle games with his prey, and why when he can't figure out the answer to Bilbo's riddle, he immediately goes hunting for his ring.

It enabled you to see spirits as they truly were.

It could possibly command dragons, hence Smaug being friendly with Bilbo, and being honest with him until after Bilbo left the cavern.

Let's not forget that while the other rings had gems, this band was only imbued with a fragment of Sauron's soul, and therefore a portion of his magic - it gained sentience when it was too far away from its master.

It also seemed to amplify the traits of the ring bearer to the extreme:

Bilbo was extremely lucky

Isildur was extremely strong