Okay this is my first time ever posting something like this here and it's about to be long af and probably very sappy.
So I, 26(F), am heavily crushing on this guy 24(M) at work. We work in a pretty big hospital but in different departments. He's the head of the clinic right across from mine (I'm also in charge of my own clinic).
This crush actually came out of nowhere. I've seen him around the hospital ever since he got there (I've been there longer than he has) and I see his name a lot on certain little "committees". The earliest memory I have of ever interacting with him was back when I was still working in the Emergency Department and he was up at the MedSurg floors. I was transporting a patient upstairs after sending the report and all I can remember from my interaction with him was "Glasses". I'm really good with faces, not so much with names.
After that, I would see him here and there like the cafeteria, the lobbies, the hallways, elevators, even the committees that he and I will unknowingly both be in. He was never on my radar at all (mostly because I was also in a relationship with someone at the time).
We didn't really start actually knowing each other until his best friend/roommate (who's also the head of another department) invited me to a Murder Mystery party at their house.
At this point, I was closer to his roommate (we'll call him Jack (28M)) than I was to him even though Jack got to the hospital a few months after he did (we'll call Crush boy "Ben"). Jack and I got to know each other because I would cross over to his department to steal ice chips daily for my own consumption. Anyway, Jack added me on Facebook and invited me to a Halloween themed Murder Mystery party this year. Of course I said yes because 1) I get to dress up and 2) I LOVE Murder Mysteries.
Sorry, getting derailed. Anyway, Jack and his wife opened up their house to a few friends for this party. I think that was when I started noticing him a little bit. I was in full monster make up and Ben was the investigator. One of my objectives was to talk to his character yaddi yaddi yadda.
With me being the competitive person that I am, I started knocking out my objectives and approached him. We got talking and I noticed that he was actually pretty cute. Not just in the physical sense, but his little mannerisms and such were very endearing. But not wanting to be distracted, I moved on to my list (I eventually figured it out and won best costume).
With the game over, Jack, a few others and I were sitting around the kitchen island just talking about work related things (I was ranting about my boss and Jack was talking about one of his problem employees who I happened to know as well). Ben walked in with his costume Saber prop in hand and just listened in to our conversations. From work topics, we moved on to things we liked to do in our spare time. I mentioned that I love Star Wars (which Jack knew) and watching certain TV shows. I mentioned a few that Ben was also watching so he was able to join in on the conversations. We all talked until it was time to go.
Right before we left, I went to go use the restroom and after coming out, I noticed a Stormtrooper helmet with a unique design on it. I mentioned how cool I found it to Jack but he told me it wasn't his. It was Ben's. At the sound of his name, Ben peeked around the corner while messing with his props and it was at that moment that I felt my body feel like tv static. All of a sudden, my heart started pounding and my palms started sweating and he was all I could see. Immediately I was like "oh sh*t".
It's been downhill ever since. Now every time I see him at work, I get nervous and I either want to run the other direction or make fun of him. I have literally turned into a high schooler with a giant crush on someone she shouldn't be crushing on.
We ran into him one time at the Info desk and I casually threw in the invitation to my best friend's (we'll call her Rinny (24F)) birthday. I invited both him and Jack but it was completely innocent (he and Rinny met through the flu drive which he helped out at and Rinny was spearheading it). When he found out the time, he was all "that's so late. I have a bed time." See whenever guys say this, I usually understand it as a polite way of saying thank you but no thanks. So I let it go. When I mentioned the party to Jack, he said the same thing too but asked if we wanted to do a birthday dinner on a different day. I brought it up to Rinny and she said she was down for it so I said yes. And then Jack asked if he could bring Ben. Honestly I should've said NO because my dumbass was trying to sort out why Ben was making me feel things but I didn't want to be rude so I said "sure."
So me being the dumbass that I am, drank a lil ol' liquid courage so I wouldn't spazz out and be nervous and next thing I know I was Chatty Cathy who didn't know what Personal Bubble was. I was super embarrassed and apologized after to Jack to let Ben know (I didn't have Ben's phone number or socials or anything at the time). Jack reassured me that I had nothing to apologize for and that if Ben was really uncomfortable, he would've pushed me away. Fair.
Fast forward to now. It's been almost 2months of me feeling like this and I'm still free falling like I'm back in high school. I've had 2 relationships and I just got out of a 1year weird situationship (I've been "single" since May of this year) and yet none of them has made me feel like Ben has. Everyone is telling me to go for it and to just tell him to his face but I don't want to make things even more awkward than they already are. I don't want to date anyone because I'm trying to sort out my own baggage and he hasn't dated anyone either for more than a year (everyone has confirmed that he's been single this whole time). I dont want to just hook up with him either because he's a genuine great guy and I'm not really that person that can do random hook-ups.
Oh and the kicker? He knows I like him. I'm not subtle at all. I overheard a conversation with him and Jack where Jack said "hey your cute secret admirer stopped by my office today" and I had just told Ben that I came from annoying Jack. Cue me lamenting my fate.
So yes. I am down bad for this man. I can't shut up about him. Every time I see him, my day brightens a bit. If I'm in a bad mood, it lessens when he talks to me. But I know he doesn't feel the same way. The vibes aren't vibing on his end and I am completely okay with that. I'm satisfied with just a friendship between us. Besides, I'm leaving in 6months to a whole new country because I accepted a job offer there wayyyy before this whole thing with Ben started.
Just needed to get all of that off my chest because I feel like I'm going insane and Rinny is tired of me talking about him constantly when I don't intend of making any moves.
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