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@moodmassacre
Have we already talked about how unhelpful it is that I can only Like and Follow from this main blog? My deepest apologies for all the people who come here after I've flooded their ~themed~ blog with notifications and then this blog is uh, not on theme. Side blog problemz.
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bwdta
It felt wrong to go to Ireland without you.
Look, no one gave me the idea.
BROOKLYN NINE-NINE | 5.04
as you get older, you start realizing that you are not always right and there’s a lot of things you could have handled better and many situations where you could have been kinder and all you can really do is forgive yourself and let your mistakes make you a better person.
jokes to make after failure that aren’t self-deprecating:
I’m the best to ever do it
Nobody saw that (best if said loudly)
No one’s ever done it like me
I could be President/they should make me President
Behold, a mere fraction of my power!
The public wants to be me soooooo bad
I’m an expert in (thing you just failed at)
How could this have happened to god’s favorite princess?
Nothing ibuprofen and a glass of water cant fix
I’m being sabotaged
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learning that addiction is a progressive narrowing of the range of things that make one happy was kinda life changing for me. i apply it to everything not even just addiction i am always checking to ask if i am narrowing my range of happiness or widening it
always good to check whether your coping strategy has become something that needs its own coping strategies
Laughing with delight and texting people at the three minute mark, slack jawed and re-texting at the 30 minute mark, then sobbing most of the way through soon after. Sober this time though. Remember Anyway in that cafe, after our first time in therapy together, our last time ever together? You sent me Orange Juice but I moved on, heard him in the Ozarks, wove him into my wallowing, and I'd forgotten. But then suddenly you were there, and it was my hometown, and a broken dad, and a broken body warring with a broken brain and all the broken open weeping that I've done so often in crowds, so often in this hammock, so often. Am I doing it right? Is this just how it is? All the mess and heartache and nostalgia and beauty and terror. All the missing, all the embarrassment, all the grief. The loss and the fear and the love and oh my God always the sobbing, damn. I've nearly bitten all my fingernails off again. I surmounted another hurdle at work. I traipsed home along curbs in the sun, listening to Jamil Zaki remind me how deeply I believe in kindness. The birds are singing. My fridge is full. My photos look like I'm happy. I can't imagine I am. Are you?
Now is now. Next time is next time.
I needed a downtime evening so I randomly scrolled through Prime for a movie and chose Brittany Runs a Marathon for a silly comedy choice. Ended up full body heave-sobbing myself into a nosebleed at the end so that's interesting. To be fair I am halfway through a very large custom cocktail I made for myself so some of that's probably the alcohol, but also. I think I struck my own nerve with that one.
Because we don't talk anymore
i went on a day trip with my grandma yesterday so obvs we broke into as many catholic churches as possible. One of them had a book shelf, some free and some donation based, and we know I love stealing from a church but I actually put a $10 in the suggested donation box because I'm trying to hashtag grow.
I thought of your promise again last night and Spotify DJ played me Testimony this morning and I know it's not your thing but I need it and this is one way I'm not needing to keep my promise so I accepted the nudge and got out the books and pamphlets this morning to read with my coffee
I immediately started craving a pencil, as I do, and realized I'd need a bookmark too so I grabbed one from my bundle on the bookshelf. IMMEDIATELY guffawed because it's one of your few Lemony Snicket ones I haven't tossed out of ache, and at first glance I thought it said "the newspaper story you're about to read is all lies" and that's hysterical to me and I can hear your laugh and I'm laughing through the tears
but then I realize it actually says "the newspaper story about you is all lies" and now I'm really bawling because I got my feelings hurt pretty bad last night with my family (it's easy to lacerate a bruised fruit - the nail slices right in and suddenly it's all disgust and rot amirite?) but I think even though we don't talk anymore you might still like me. I know you still love me, in the way we will always love each other and I almost take for granted except it keeps saving my life, but knowing you probably actually still like me and respect me, even when you hate me and are so angry with me that your bitch notes tear through to the next page, you still see me and like me and know my family doesn't see me clearly. and God I need that.
So I'm gonna keep reading my catholic propaganda because I need some Gregory Boyle and Pastor ... (oh no I don't remember your dad's pastors name and I deleted it from my phone and now I'm panicked I might not have kept his funeral bulletin I don't wanna forget I'm all clementine frantic I didn't mean to erase you) in my life
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because we don't talk anymore
I did think about you on your half birthday. I did think about the promise you asked me to make, that I'd call you before doing anything permanent. I really really loved hearing from you for my birthday - thank you for the Meg and AG content.
I had a dream last night that you'd moved on. You were bed sharing with some girl named Chloe and y'all seemed close and solid and it was brutiful. Even in the dream, I knew I had no right to the pang in my chest because I'd rolled out of her bed and arms that very morning.
You were in her dream the other week - you were touching me, pulling me, trying to lure me to you and she thought I was uncomfortable with it but wasn't stopping you and wasn't letting her step in to help. She told me you represent distance in her relationship with me and she's not wrong. Do I only miss you because you aren't here?
Bonus Dad was able to fix my hard drive and I'm so glad I didn't lose my pictures of BabyCat but I'm also so so so glad I didn't lose my pictures of you, our life, the few we took of us.
Bo was right: I hope you're happy.
When you say, "I love you," what do you mean?
"I love you" is shorthand for a great deal of my thoughts, emotions, and actions. In no particular order other than what is falling out of my brain right now:
I feel your gravity in my chest.
I feel lighter when I'm around you, and I still stay when the space between us feels heavy.
I've added you to my starred contacts so that I can pick up the phone if you me call in the middle of the night.
I will drive you to and from the hospital for your colonoscopy.
When I see things that make me think of you, I take a picture of them and send them to you. If it is something that would make a good gift, I buy it and then save it for your birthday or an appropriate gift giving holiday.
When I'm near you, I allow myself to feel your emotions.
I accept you; all of you. Even the parts you don't think I can see.
I want to help you shoulder your burdens.
I celebrate your joys.
When I don't hear from you, I want to at least know that you are okay.
Love is an action word.
"if you are over 30 on Tumblr the mental illness won" "the aging fanbase of Tumblr" motherfucker if you are over 30 and have been here the entire time it means the mental illness didn't win we are still alive WE MADE IT
I encourage you to be just a 🤏 smidge more of a little weirdo than you were yesterday ✨
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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i already feel better and steady and had a very grounding meditation and lovely evening with the bossisters and this is why I try to not ~be honest about my feelings~ bc riding them out in white knuckled silence makes bouncing back so much easier. No need to bring hostages along for the whiplash. I'll catch y'all when I come back around for the upswings.
forgive the version of you that didn’t know any better
forgive the version of yourself that knew better but did it anyway. forgive every version of yourself. we are constantly learning from our mistakes.
forgive the version of you that didn’t know what to do and could not have foreseen what the right choice was, if there even was one. forgive the version of you that made a choice and regretted it.
