Welcome to Madness!!!!

Now I know what you’re thinking:

“Well obviously that’s the best spell in the entire game, but please, please wont you tell us why in vivid detail?”

Yeah okay, lets do that.

So first up, boring stuff. 90 feet of range, sure, cool, that’s pretty groovy. Longer range than a lot of spells actually. A minute possible duration, also solid, 10ft radius, pretty good, aoe crowd control is great, even better at higher casts. 1 action. Fine, cool.

Now we got that shit out of the way, lets start drinking up the delicious goddamn nectar that is the power of taking away the one goddamn braincell your enemies have all been sharing this wholeass time.

LETS DIVE INTO THOSE JUICY ASS RANDOM EFFECTS. BECAUSE HAVING A SPELL WORK THE SAME WAY EVERY TIME IS FOR BORING ASS NERDS.

So say they roll a 9 or 10, they get to act normally, so this ain’t the best. This isn’t good, this works for them right?

WRONG.

This is to lure your dm into a false sense of MAINTAINING CONTROL.

THE DM DOESN’T CONTROL THE GAME ANYMORE.

NO ONE DOES. WELL ALMOST NO ONE.

THIS FUCKER DOES. WE’RE PUTTING OUR LIVES IN THIS FUCKERS HANDS AND TRUST ME WHEN I SAY THIS FUCKER CRAAAVES THE DEATH OF YOUR ENEMIES.

So next we have 7-8. Which I like to call: The Mario Party effect.

Chances are when you cast this on a group, you probably had a few of those goons next to one another. Enemies like to be close to one another, they’re friends, they get along.

OR AT LEAST THEY FUCKING USED TO.

NOW THEY BEAT EACH OTHER TO DEATH FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT. NO ONE KNOWS WHY.

THE DICE MADE THEM DO IT.

Or they might not be next to anyone, in which case they may as well have rolled a 2-6, a roll I like to call: Time out mode. This is what the dice rolls to make you earn your keep, it can’t do ALL the work killing all these people for you. Sometimes, it’ll just make all your enemies stand around not doing anything for turn after turn after turn.

Until they roll a 1. Now, you might be thinking “Move in a direction, that’s not that bad.” That’s because you don’t know.

There is a truth to confusion. A hidden reality within the dice. It hates them. It truly, truly hates the people it gets used on.

When they roll a 1, if the dice can kill them

It will.

It will have them run off cliffs, into lava, into attacks of oppotunity, it’ll run wizards into the loving embrace of your barbarian, it will feed the hapless mooks into the wall of fire your wizard made. If you have a woodchipper out somehow, it may as well be a goddamn black hole because they’re sure as shit not going anywhere fucking else.

So I know what you’re thinking now, you’re thinking:

“Wow Neonir, that sure does sound like a cruel and unjust lesson from god to inflict on your DM alright!”

And you’d be fucking right.

But you don’t quite understand.

These are but a few of the strongest enemies in the game, if you have a look, you’ll see they have a few immunities, there are more like them, some have immunity to other things, but you’ll always notice one thing. One thing missing from these lists.

Yeah.

It can work.

On anything.

Anything can be forced to run around to the benny hill theme, slapping its buddies and staring at stars.

I have not yet found a SINGLE. DAMN. THING. That you cannot confuse into submission.

Poisoned? Hah, maybe if you’re level 3 and fighting rats.

Charm? Can’t play with the big boys.

Paralyzed, cool, but still pretty much even chances of the target being immune at this point.

But confusion?

Saving throws.

The Tarrasque has a +9 to Wisdom saves, Sul Khatesh +14, Tiamat +17.

A 20th level Wizard with 20 Int only has a spell DC of 19.  Tiamat has a 95% chance to save, Sul Khatesh an 80% chance, and even a Tarrasque has a beter-than-even 55% chance to make that save.

If they make those saves, the spell fails.

And they get to try the save again every round to end the spell.

(And lower-level or lower-Int Wizards would have lower spell DCs)

The d10’s 10% chance to make someone run off a cliff is fighting against the d20’s 95% chance to end the spell.

You are right, save’s ARE a thing, I was shocked to discover this myself, you see I’ve been playing D&D this whole time, and never once has an enemy ever succeeded a saving throw against one of my spells. Not once, honestly, what’re the odds? Probably not that low, let’s be real.

Naturally after all this SUCCESS and OWNING IDIOTS WITH THE BEST SPELL IN THE GAME, I forgot saves existed, and have been working under the assumption that spells always work 100% of the time.

Unfortunately, I have done the math, run the numbers, so to speak, and actually it is the be-all and end-all of D&D spells. I know it’s hard to believe, I myself was dumbstruck when I first got the results back from the labs, but it is, definitively, the best spell.