Memoirs of a Mental Case

One of the problems inherent with depression is its absolute insidiousness.

There is the blood/brain barrier, but as far as I am aware, and maybe you could consider memory loss or the placebo effect as being "defensive"...but the brain (where the mind resides) has no natural "immune system" like our physical bodies do.

When a virus or threat or harmful pathogen is introduced to the human body, it will do its absolute best completely on its own to rid it of that threat. We seem to forget that, with modern medicine, it's easy to take our own physic healing capabilities for granted---it is planted within us to keep us alive/to survive.

The mind is also different in the body in its absolutely amazing neuroplastic abilities---the ability to CHANGE itself into a brain more suited for our environment.

This amazing ability of the brain is also a key reason why depression (especially chronic) is so insidious: it takes advantage of the brain's "changability" and uses it for disadvantageous, irrational purposes. We condition ourselves by how we respond to our environments...for the positive or negative. The brain does not judge: it functions.

So when you're depressed, for example, your MIND is totally up for grabs for whatever maladaptive coping mechanisms that happen to fly your way. And it gets stuck inside your mind: and it CHANGES it.

Depression does not just affect the present moment: it seeps into your past and drains it of all the feelings you're not able to feel anymore. It takes the color from your memories until they're not even really distinct memories anymore...just a mess of brown/black once-images.

Not only does it drain your past and your present of color, but your entire future, too. You literally cannot see the colors anymore...those colors that most people use as guiding lights to follow through their lives. Colors like joy, pleasure, grief, suffering. All of the hues, on all the spectrums. Sometimes you're left with only one color to see through: like anger...but then sometimes it's just black and white. The future is not as jumbled as the past but it is JUST as unclear/unable to be discerned.

I guess I'm just saying I hope everyone who reads this has color in their lives, and can see clearly through the blobs and once-colors that are now indistinguishable to me. Dont let anyone tell you you are selfish for relishing in those colors: because that's what life is for, and people like me desperately need more good colorful examples to look up to.

there is a difference between saying "I'm sorry I made you feel that way" and "I'm sorry you feel that way."

There is NOT much difference between "I'm sorry you feel that way" and "I dont agree/validate that you are feeling that way because of something i directly said/did to you to cause you any kind of pain."

Everything makes so much sense in my head. But why can I not seem to convey what is actually in my mind to the external world?

I dont just think things, I think BIG things, ir millions of tiny things that pile up to make a HUGE MOUNTAIN. How do you speak mountains? How do you cram something so large into something as little as letters in sentences.

I wish so much that I didn't care so much...either every single person I've ever seen is an incredible actor, or I am the "crazy" one.

Most of the time "crazy" just means "not popular/likable." Sheep make up the masses. Masses aren't smart.

I miss you.

I miss the way you used to glance at me from your desk when you thought I wasn't looking. I miss how you would look down and blush when I caught you and made eye contact. I miss how eventually you stopped blushing and looking away, and how you met my gaze directly and appreciatively, with that silly, confident grin that always got you out of anything.

I miss your child-like enthusiasm, and the way your face lit up when you were happy. I even miss how easy it was to tell when you were upset, from the clouds behind your beautiful brown eyes. Your heart wasn't even hidden enough to wear on your sleeve...it shown through your eyes and was obvious on your face.

Tenderness, joy, anger, frustration, sadness, guilt, love: it was all there on your face. I just had to look.

I miss the ease in which I fell into your arms. Your big arms and your strong chest where I could easily rest my head and hear your strong heart beat. A heart that shouldn't even be beating anymore, but by the grace of angels has continued to stay strong no matter how much your self-destructive bad habits had hold of you. I miss the strength of you heart, your ability to remain, even after so much pain and suffering.

I miss the tattoo of the rising Phoenix that spread across your entire strong back...its wings extending towards your broad shoulders. The way it fiercely rose from the ashes that made it into the stunning creature it turned out to be. The stunning creature you turned out to be, for a time.

I miss the way you left me little notes...I miss your endless sticky notes of “lists" of things that I kept telling you you needed to do, but you never managed to get done. I miss how you managed to get so much else done other than what was written on your yellow sticky notes, with your terrible handwriting. I still find them hidden in the crevices of my old car you used to drive me around in. It makes me tear up everytime I see your child-like scrawl and remember all the little messages and love notes I read through that scrawl, that I knew perfectly how to decipher.

I miss the little pictures you drew. I'll never forget the way you first asked me out...when I said I was busy. The way you sketched the Panera exactly all in pencil, and in the sign that should have said “Panera,” you wrote, “lunch with me?” And it was just so sweet...the way you snuck it over to my desk when I was gone for a second...I couldn't help but smile from ear to ear.

I miss how excited you were about us. How you wouldn't take no for an answer, and how you finally wore me down to move in with you, even if it was a little soon. I miss the blissful nights we spent looking into each others’ eyes passionately making love...and the mornings where I'd wake up to your beautiful eyelashes on your sleeping face and your strong arms around me.

I miss getting ready in the morning to your loud-as-could-be country music. I miss the way you talked about the country. I miss going to the country house with you...fishing at the lake, making sure the dogs didn't jump in and scare them away. I miss driving out to the lake with a couple beers and some pillows, and opening up the SUV’s back door, putting the back seats down, and laying on the pillows watching the beautiful country sunset, completely isolated and alone together, in the most beautiful and peaceful and serene setting I can remember.

I miss the way we could laugh and talk and be completely SILLY together for hours. I love how you let me rant on and on and then had something to contribute when I was actually done talking. I love the wild, wacky ideas we came up with, and the hours of belly-laughter we spent smoking and talking until late in the night, only to wake up so tired the next day, just to do it all over again. I miss how absolutely comfortable you made me feel being myself. I miss even having someone to be myself around at all.

I miss you. More than your arms and your back and your eyes and your kisses and your tender touch...I miss the way you looked at me, like you were the luckiest man in the world anytime you were in my presence. I love the little things you did for me, even when we didn't have much money, that just lit up my day. I love how you had a way of bringing me down from my high stress world, and how I brought you up to a certain level of responsibility. The way we balanced each other was like a helium balloon with a weight on the end...it didn’t fly away, but it was still light and airy and fun.

ENTJ: 10/10 jackassing skills

INTJ: 10/10 ignoring you skills

ENTP: 10/10 sending you memes at 4am skills

INTP: 10/10 sleeping skills

ESTJ: 10/10 giving too many fucks skills

ISTJ: 10/10 pretending to care skills

ESFJ: 10/10 Pinterest board making skills

ISFJ: 10/10 guilt tripping skills

ESTP: 10/10 making stupid decisions skills

ISTP: 10/10 going to parties for the food skills

ESFP: 10/10 talking a fuckton skills

ISFP: 10/10 crying skills

ENFJ: 10/10 quoting Mean Girls skills

INFJ: 10/10 brooding skills

ENFP: 10/10 dying inside skills

INFP: 10/10 MBTI shitposting skills