- m i s s e l l e e y h -

Hello you! How are you doing today? How are you keeping up with this pandemic? I hope you’re keeping safe and staying healthy wherever you are.

So tonight I went to my grandparent’s house to prepare their medications for Wednesday to Saturday. This is something that I have been doing since September 2020 after they survived COVID. Yep, both of them. They are in their 80s. It was a crazy roller coaster of emotions during that time. If there is something great that happened that time that is it brought our family super close. I mean, we were close before it happened. But after that incident we have this video call every night where we pray the rosary together, we have dinner at my grandparents’ house on the weekends and my relatives abroad have constantly been checking in.

I hope this pandemic ends soon.

A thought struck me today. I am already 31 years old. If I could give a bit of advice to my younger self, I would tell her to travel outside the country after college, experience different cultures, learn a new language, meet people of different ethnicity, experience life to the fullest.

I am happy with my life. I have a well-paying job, a wonderful husband, and two crazy lovable kids. I will be a homeowner soon too. I don’t regret my life choices don’t get wrong. But today I’m just hit with what could have been and what-ifs.

What if I studied college outside Cebu? What if I pursued Canada and didn’t get pregnant with my eldest son? An American/Canadian/Australian boyfriend, how will it be like?

Sometimes I feel like it is too late for me. And sometimes I tell myself, maybe in my next lifetime. Hahaha Or maybe this is just hormones.

Enough musings for me today. Back to cuddling my little monster.

Alice’s Adventure in Wonderland

Alice’s Adventure in Wonderland

Tonight was Papa Boie’s last day of novena. Almost everybody from the Calzada clan was online to attend the virtual novena. Ate Lady and Mommy Judith gave their eulogy. It was heartbreaking to listen to them. The sad part is that we can’t even hug them at this time because of this pandemic, we are only limited to comforting them virtually and for me it’s not enough.

Dying during this pandemic is a sad way to go. If I have a say on how and when I will die, I’d definitely tell God that I don’t want to die during this time.

After the novena, some family members stayed and we had a mini family reunion. It was fun and comforting, considering what the family went through he past days. We got to see our family from different parts of the world. Thank God for technology!

One thing I am really looking forward after this pandemic is a family reunion. I am sure that the next reunion will hit hard. Hugs will be tighter, “Great to see you”’s will be more heartfelt. I can’t wait for this pandemic to end.

I can still remember the time when I begged for love. I lost my colors. I settled for the “maybe”, the “I’ll see if I can” and the “I’m tired”. I endured the pain of every no, and over time I started to believe that maybe, just maybe, that’s what I deserve. That I should just be grateful for the rare “yes” and just sit in the corner waiting.

It took some time, but when I finally realized that I’m slowly turning into this broken soul I always feared to be, I tried my best to get up and walk away. Step by step, I dragged my feet, and that’s when I learned that one of the most difficult things to do in life is to walk away from things that you’ve always wanted. But I did it.

I did it because every day seemed like it’s raining and I wanted to see the sun again. I did it for the days when I would laugh so hard my stomach would hurt. I did it because I wanted to believe that despite the messed up person that I am, despite the scars and whole in my chest, I deserve another shot at happiness.

I know it took a while, but I couldn’t be prouder.

I did it.

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