>>â-Journal Entry from January 29th, 2016â->
Often times when we know weâre about to be launched into the Great Perhaps of possibilities on our next chapter in life, we tend to over excite ourselves with overwhelming goals, and lifestyle changes we hardly have come into terms with.
Most of the time, our ârealisticâ goals of where we want to be in the next 3-5 years cloud our better judgement of even thinking about the important questions weâll end up pondering on when we do have a moment to slow down and think. What obstacles will we be faced with along the way?
No one has a roadmap or a navigation system for their path of life. There are no coordinates or an address to where we want to end up and we donât have an app telling us that the route we chose will have a delay or detour due to construction on the road. Thatâs just not possible, we donât know, nor do we have complete control of what our future holds. But we do have control of our present, and preparing for the out comes of the future by taking precautions on ourselves and our well being and ask:
As much as I am a Optimistic Pessimist at best, sometimes I need to be real with myself. Some things, no matter how hard we try and wish and work hard towards itâŚsome things, weâre just not meant to have at the time we want it orâŚat all. Sometimes itâs all about knowing ourselves and if weâre mentally, physically and emotionally prepared for the life we choose to endure and if none of those things check off, maybe taking a few steps back and reevaluating the goal will help you see if this is in fact what you want to continue to strive for.
Taking a break is by no means quitting. Just like when you make any kind of lifestyle change, itâs going to be hard at first. However, what you cannot do is shame yourself for not being able to be an expert straight out. Just like how itâs OKAY if you canât workout an hour EVERY day if your body is aching to the extent it canât function, or you have ONE junk item when youâve started to eat healthier. A break isnât going to destroy you or make you fall off your path, if anything it helps you regain your strength and empowers you to reach for something to work on long term and eventually become better than you were when you started.
What will help us overcome these hardships is to be rational with ourselves, and be kind. Donât beat yourself up over something you failed in the attempt of trying for the very first time, or that something unexpected popped up on your planned out day.
Like I said before, we donât know what the next minute, or hour, or week has in store for us. Sometimes you have be flexible and agile so that you can be ready for whatever it is that wants to stop you.
Back in 2013 when I was about to graduate High School, I was in the best state of my life. I had always felt so unworthy and lonely and hopeless through out my first three years, but Senior year I was in my prime! I was healthy because I decided to be more fit and eat better, I had a great group of friends who had my back and I had gotten excepted to a University! I was feeling so much more confident and wonderful than I had ever been and I was so excited to be free and be an adult in the big bad world!
 I had it ALL planned out: I was going to finish my first two years with two years worth of classes AND ROTC where Iâd be the show stopping cadet that would eventually get her two last years paid for with a ROTC scholarship and a contract, then I was going to go to Field Training the summer between my Sophomore and Junior year, come back and rock the POC title while finishing up the rest of my requirements for my Bachelors degree. There was WAY more to that list, but Iâll stop 18 year old Avy right thereâŚÂ
If I could talk to that naĂŻve, bubbly girl I was three years ago, and let her know what I know now, Iâd tell her that she needed to take little steps at a time because what I saw was a delusion of a smooth sailing in a span of moments. I was on a positivity high and I was building hope for myself that NOTHING would go wrong. I was making up expectations that could easily break my confidence if it didnât pan out, and thatâs what happened.
My biggest mistake was thinking I was more independent, mature, and indestructible than I actually was. I tried so hard to be more organized and have a routine down to a science that I left NO room for any possible changes that were about to come swinging in.Â
My first Semester of college was a piece of cake, the only responsibilities I had was going to class, ROTC stuff, going to the gym, and then finishing my assignments. I didnât have my license at the time, so I didnât have to worry about a car, nor did I have a reason to really go off campus often. I didnât start working yet, so I had all the free time in the world to workout, hang out, and sleep. I was happy, content with my new life. Of course I wasnât fully an adult yet as much as it might have felt. Although it felt that way because my family was an ocean apart from me, it didnât change the fact that I was still dependent on their money they sent to me every month.
Second Semester, still pretty in control. I still didnât have a carâjust my bikeâstill a frickinâ ROTC Nerd with more confidence because I was coming into my own as a leader (My flight commander told me so. :DD), I started hanging out with the girls that were part of my squadron more and we started becoming closer, and I even started hanging out off campus at the beach during the day and then downtown at night. I was having fun while still being a good student and going to class everyday, but againâŚ.I still lacked ACTUAL responsibilities.
So this is where the story becomes a little shaky. It was the end of my first year of college, I was starting to feel the pain in my wallet and I didnât want to ask my parents for money to do things. I felt obligated to take on that responsibility and finally look for a job.
The thing was, thoughâŚI still didnât have my drivers license, so no means of commuting to a job if I was to get one. I tried finding jobs closer to campus, but with my lack of job experience being overseas all my life, it was a rough search. Finally, around February/March time of 2014, I was mall walking with one of my close friends. We were just walking and killing time, when we walked by a vacant store space with a big box sign on it signifying that they were building a Vans store. Being a known Vans sneakerhead, my friend made the joke that it would be ironic for the âPrincessinVansâ to work at Vans. Though I know it was more or less a poke at my obsession, it did spark something in me to at least go forth into trying to apply.
Fast forwardâsince that is an entirely other story in itselfâI did get hired, proved myself to be a hard worker and ultimately made my store manager fall in love with me for my work ethics. She said she saw a leader in me and I couldnât help but beam at that boost of confidence. It wasnât long since the store opened that she opened up the idea of potentially training me to take part in the management team for the store in the near future. As flattered as I was, I initially turned the idea down because my priorities lied in finishing school and commissioning as an Air Force officer. She understood that and I was just happy being able to work part-time at a company I loved.
It wasnât long before my store manager actually dropped the bomb that she was leaving us to move with her new husband to Puerto Rico. This left just our ASM at the time and our two Floor Supervisors with the stress of running a brand new store from basically the roots up. We had lost our head of operations in our first few months open and it was easy even from an associateâs stand point that there was obvious tension ripping away at our management team. Eventually it was opened to the rest of us that one of our beloved Floor Sups was leaving us for personal reasons. Then there were twoâŚ
I had already been attending Tuesday Leadership Meetings because I was being molded into a sales lead for our team so when this obvious pothole presented itself I was who they turned to. They told me that I was the only one they trusted to be responsible enough to fill the role so we could skip the hit and miss interviews searching for a new floor supervisor from outside. This way, we were also keeping it in our OG crewâThe ones who had stuck since the beginning.
Being the kind of person I am, seeing my coworkers struggling, I hesitated only for a second before caving. I thought to myself that this may help me in the long run, proving my leadership skills in real time versus via a classroom as well as helping my work family up keep our âbaby.â This was our store, our pride and joy and I wasnât gonna be like everyone else and just quit when they needed me. I looked at it as it was in MY best interest. What I didnât see is that this was only the beginning of the long list of problems and drama Iâd have to deal with in due time.Â
My mom warned me, every single time I brought it up on one of our phone calls, that although she was proud of me, she didnât want a job like this to distract me from being focused on my school work. But of course the fire in my throat always fought back words of a stubborn child who didnât want to listen to what her motherâs constant worries were. She couldnât possibly be right about this, Iâd have to prove how grown I was and how much I could handle this. Naturally, she was rightâŚlike alwaysâŚshe knew me. She knew how I was, And how I had the tendency of biting off more than I could chew and singlehandedly overwhelm myself to the point break. It was not out of characterâŚ
Everything seemed like it was more stable until I went back to school in the fall. There were multiple personality flaws with in our management teamâŚI saw that more clearly than ever once I became a solid part of it. So much drama you wouldnât imagine coming from a staff of boys began to play out and I found myself getting sucked into many of them. I was being bullied into doing work beyond my expertise and paygrade, and was even made to feel bad for putting my school work or any of my other parts of life before any of my responsibilities at work. I just wanted to be helpful and useful so I put my all into helping the functionality of our store. This is when I found out I was in fact NOT superhuman.
I worked full time hours (40+ a weekâŚÂ which I found out later was actually not supposed to be allowed for a part time Floor Supervisor) every week, bent around my class schedule. I would come into work for a closing shift and be left with all the openerâs neglected duties as well. By the time I was able to knock out most tasks of the day and go home for the night, I was dead. I was too tired to even think about anything but resting. This was the beginning of the array of events that took me far off my destination route.
âŚNo service detectedâŚ
My off days, which were supposed to be focused on catching up with school work soon became the least productive days of my life. I did nothing but veg out in bed all day too drained to power through what needed to be done. It got so bad that eventually I was sleeping in past my morning classes, missing multiple PT sessions, exercising less, eating more, flaking out on plans with friendsâŚwho was this person? I had lost connection with my brainâŚit felt as if my soul was no longer attached to my body and I was just becoming a shell of a person.
The thing was, I only functioned and got off my ass to go to work if nothing elseâŚmy job had become my life. School? Oh that thing which was supposed to be front and center of all my efforts, wellâŚthat was reduced to background noise. Why? Well, I was aimed to please people who didnât lose sleep to help get me to where I wanted to be and in the end they were the most toxic people I have ever had the displeasure of working with or meeting. I was a hard working pack mule for all they cared, carrying all the weight and still belittled for not doing enough.
I can be so competitive for such trivial reasons just to prove people wrong. In those moments, nothing else is important and my focus hazes over to the single task of proving a point. I did so much for those people and lost my ambitions for anything else.
It was too late when I realized I had taken the wrong turn and I was so far off track. Miles off. I had unfortunately let my grades slip and I was no longer qualified to compete for a Field Training slot that summer. All that talk about being contracted and getting my last two years paid off with a scholarship, that reality was lost. When that realization struck me like lightning is when I finally saw where I had ended up. Alone and terrified that I was 19 years old and I had already ruined my life beyond repair.
Iâve never felt so disappointed in myself and I felt like giving up on everything, and I did in a sense. I had the opportunity to redeem myself the following fall and repeat my 200 year but I felt so defeated and my mind was screaming to hold on to my pride. I was embarrassed so I did what I said I would never do: I quit. I wasnât strong enough for this. I didnât have a future.
FINALLY, here is where I finally get to the lesson of this story. My experience was scary, but thatâs because I let myself fall beyond the point I couldnât be heard. I pushed valuable people away, even hid away from talking to my parents for a little bit because I was so scared theyâd be so disappointed in meâŚLord knew I was already feeling my own wrath. Not everyone out there is going to have the same story and to the same extent, but I hope if you ever felt or are feeling helpless, donât give upâŚyouâre not alone and you WILL get through this.
After almost a year of putting myself back together, I finally see that my opportunities were not lost, but just temporarily set back. I now have more knowledge and understanding of what I need to do this time around to succeed. Itâs definitely a round about way of getting there, but I feel like this experience happened in order to learn from. So here is my lesson in a break down:
*Surround yourself with people you trust, who donât aim to destroy youâŚI was virtually alone in Florida and when I was looking for comfort, I leaned on to all the wrong people and neglected all the right ones. Family is so important for me that it was hard being so far for so long so even though I left a lot of amazing friendships in Florida, it was what was best for me to move to Arizona to be with my parents and my brother. Getting away and essentially starting over has been the best medicine for reflecting on my life up to this point.
*Let yourself breathe and reflect OFTEN. Figure out and separate what your priorities are. It was far too easy for me to be distracted from what I want and what I need. I didnât know the difference when it practically took over my life. This circumstance shows just how impulsive I can beâŚluckily this situation wasnât life endangering. Iâm making a promise to myself to get better at this.
*If you stress easily, take little things at a time and donât go full out on one thing that it prevents you from going towards your ultimate goal. I have an impellent habit of focusing on the unimportant. AgainâŚPRIORITIES! Just like on a test when you focus on that ONE hard question for the entire test duration, you are bound to fail because you didnât answer anything else. The same goes for life. Donât give one part of it your undivided attention unless thatâs surely going to get you to where you want to go.
*Think short term vs long term. Donât let yourself have the same naĂŻve misconceptions that I did. Getting excited for your future is great, but donât make impossible expectations for your goals without room for flexibility. The reason I broke so badly was because I lacked the adaptability I needed even knowing how stressed I get. The numerous times I say this is simply reasoned for the truth behind it. Bends and forks are going to present themselves, but be cautious with what is worth the pit stop and what is not.
*Listen to your Mama! As generic and silly as this sounds, your mom is someone who has watched you and has known you far longer than you even knew how to say your own name. Sheâs the closest youâll get to a legitimate fortune teller. She knows your patterns and your tendencies because she has seen various versions of them all through out your childhood. In all honesty, weâre the most blind to our own flaws, anyway, because itâs a part of us. We donât know better!
*Remember: the past is past. We canât change our past, only learn from it.
The lesson is that, yes we want our lives to go a certain way we envision it to be, and yes it sucks and itâs scary when something unexpected happens. Sometimes those mishaps happen for the very reason to realize you want to go an entirely different direction than you thought you did or in another case it could be just a little test of strength and courage of enduring the challenge of finding your way back on track. Hey! Not all of us were blessed with the best sense of direction!
Sometimes it takes a couple of wrong turns, constant route changes, detours & a bit of misadventures to find our way. But one thing is for certain, you best believe weâll get there eventually, just maybe not as fast as we want. (;Â
>>ââAn arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that itâs going to launch you into something great.ââ>
