Milo_Myhigh

We don't all really know our roles, we don't even really have all the terminology down. Tbh, it's only thanks to social media that I even have the words I do have to explain what I go through literally every day. Hell, a couple of us don't even have names, we just kinda front and then disappear.

Milo- the host, 27, they/them. Nonbinary puppy-cat that enjoys photography, D&D, stoner shit, and general horror media. A big ass nerd. Likes low-impact nature walks, indie games, and kink. Autistic, picky eater, and goes non-verbal occasionally. Doesn't like loud noises, Family Guy, bland food, hot (above 74°F lol), and -phobes.

Jolene- the protector, 28, she/her. Dyke dog, bisexual lesbian. Enjoys kink, anime, spooky YouTube videos (especially LazyMasquerade), and hiking. Doesn't have a filter, goes off, kind of like "I can make it up later, but that's not gonna fly". Doesn't like smart technology (too complicated lol), mean jokes, Family Guy (or other shows like it), food that isn't meat and potatoes (or cheese), and alcohol.

Skye- unknown role, 16, she/they. Demisexual queer. Enjoys art, photography, writing, and hiking. Is timid, anxious, stuck in an "ask permission to do anything" mindset. Very picky eater, will always eat mashed potatoes. Doesn't like most foods that aren't typical safe foods, authority, AI (who does lol), bugs, strong smells (even good ones), and peanut butter.

Louis- the child, 6, they/them. Has a massive crush on Giles (Buffy the Vampire Slayer). Enjoys scary movies, nature walks, cartoons, and animals. Loves stuffies, but not to play with, for snuggles. Autistic, picky eater (like, really really picky), goes non-verbal regularly. Would become your best friend for a Cadbury Egg or chicken nuggets. Doesn't like real scary movies (based on true stories), being touched, being hot, getting partially wet (like stepping in a puddle), and being told what to do.

Twilight- emotion holder, 20s, he/him. Best described as a tiger/jaguar combo, not in the furry way (we love furries, he's just not one for clarification). Ace-aro. Enjoys gaming, hiking, stoner shit, and horror movies. Loves meat, especially steak. Was non-verbal entirely, uses writing to communicate but is working on talking. Doesn't like foods that aren't meat (even cheese, sadly), large crowds, strong smells, most tv/movies (he really only likes games), and mean people.

Emrys- unknown role, 100, he/they/fae. Fictive. A half-elf rogue that basically started as a DnD character for lack of better words. Queer. Enjoys urban foraging, stoner shit, thrill-seeking, and playing DnD. Doesn't play well with others, actually can't stand people who just start talking at us. Doesn't like sitting still, reading, dogs, and fast-food. Favorite food is beef jerky.

The mental health of our system has been forced into becoming a priority with how severe our depression has gotten. We've been seeing professionals about the various problems going on, and the progress is definitely not linear. So far our official diagnoses are "low-level" autism (I'm at least an adept level thnku), ADHD, anxiety, major depressive disorder, and PTSD.

We're trying to get our diagnosis finally to see what exactly caused our system. One of the psych professionals we're seeing said it could be schizophrenia, another suggested DID, and now it's just waiting for the evaluation appointment. It's scary talking about this stuff with how my parents told me I'd be institutionalized if I ever told anyone about this stuff, or that nobody would believe me.

My mother passed away last month. I got the news two weeks ago, and I still don't really know how to process it. We weren't close, we were extremely low-contact, and I have very mixed memories and emotions of her. There's a lot of guilt and shame with my feelings right now, and it's taking a lot to process everything. Especially since I live like 1000 miles away and couldn't make the service or go to visit family over this. I can't go and look for photo albums or mementos that she'd want me to have. So it still doesn't even feel real, bc I just... haven't had any physical, tangible "proof" that she's really gone for good. I'm sure my fellow ADHD peeps understand the way it's hard to process grief without being there.

It's hard enough processing grief already, but my mom was physically and emotionally/mentally abusive and that definitely makes it a different kind of hard. Most of my memories of her are filled with dread or anxiety, and the very few good memories I have are few and far between. It makes me feel glad she's finally dead- relieved. But it also hurts bc we were working on healing our relationship. It was slow, and it's taken around 5 years for our relationship to even mend as much as it did. We talked maybe twice a year, never on the phone. I haven't seen her in-person in nearly two and a half years, and the last time I did she was a better grandmother to my child than she was a mother to me. But it was getting better. She started complimenting me, something that she never did before. She could say she was proud of me as a parent, and I'd never heard those words from her mouth. I never thought I'd hear those words especially about my parenting style. It doesn't make up for anything that happened in the past. But we were starting to try, and now there's never a chance of it getting better or worse. It's always just going to be a shallow, distant relationship forever.

I've been trying really hard not to shut down entirely with how everything feels stacked against me. The state of the world is terrifying. I got tired of being the screw that holds my friendships together, and speaking up about it has landed me with an even smaller support group. My "best" friend, that I've known for over 11 years, has basically dropped me like hot shit since I told them how it feels like the friendship is very one-sided. It's exhausting being the therapist friend, especially when I'm actively doing everything I can to hold my own shit together.

And on top of it all I'm having a wisdom tooth extracted on Saturday 🫠🙃 I still have to wait for the referral to get the three that are still beneath the gums removed, but this is a start. It just feels like one thing on top of another anymore.