[Alt text: Is He Doing It On Purpose?
When a client of mine tells me that he became abusive because he lost control of himself, I ask him why he didnât do something even worse. For example, I might say, âYou called her a fucking whore, you grabbed the phone out of her hand and whipped it across the room, and then you gave her a shove and she fell down. There she was at your feet, where it would have been easy to kick her in the head. Now, you have just finished telling me that you were âtotally out of controlâ at that time, but you didnât kick her. What stopped you?â And the client can always give me a reason. Here are some common explanations:
âI wouldnât want to cause her a serious injury.â
âI realized one of the children was watching.â
âI was afraid someone would call the police.â
âI could kill her if I did that.â
âThe fight was getting loud, and I was afraid neighbors would hear.â
And the most frequent response of all:
âJesus, I wouldnât do that. I would never do something like that to her.â
The response that I almost never heardâI remember hearing it twice in fifteen yearsâwas: âI donât know.â
These ready answers strip the cover off of my clientsâ loss-of-control excuse. While a man is on an abusive rampage, verbally or physically, his mind maintains awareness of a number of questions: âAm I doing something that other people could find out about, so it could make me look bad? Am I doing anything that could get me in legal trouble? Could I get hurt myself? Am I doing anything that I myself consider too cruel, gross, or violent?â
A critical insight seeped into me from working with my first few dozen clients: An abuser almost never does anything that he himself considers morally unacceptable. He may hide what he does because he thinks other people would disagree with it, but he feels justified inside. I canât remember a client ever having said to me: âThereâs no way I can defend what I did. It was just totally wrong.â He invariably has a reason that he considers good enough. In short, an abuserâs core problem is that he has a distorted sense of right and wrong. /End alt text]
dailybridgerton
izzy806
blakekathryn
andulkaphoto
origamiaround
