some dudes like to talk a big game about how comedy suffers when people are afraid to offend but man, Mitch Hedberg was a white dude working in the era of peak offensive edgelord and his shit holds the fuck up so while most comedians will never come up with anything as timeless as βif carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked upβ they could at least make an effort
Every McDonaldβs commercial ends the same way, right? βPrices and participation may vary.β I wanna open a McDonaldβs and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonaldβs owner. Iβll say βCheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets! We are not affiliated with that clown.β
Every book is a childrenβs book if the kid can read.
I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments and one fuckinβ complicated payment. We canβt tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch! The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination! Good luck, fucker! That last payment must be made in wampum!
Hey, if you wanna talk to me after the show, Iβll beβ¦ fuckinβ surprised.
This shirt is βdry-clean onlyββ¦ Which means itβs dirty.
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said βHereβs a picture of me when I was younger.β Every picture is of you when you were younger. βHereβs a picture of me when Iβm older.β βYou son-of-a-bitch! Howβd you pull that off? Lemme see that cameraβ¦ Whatβs it look like? β
An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an βEscalator Temporarily Out Of Orderβ sign, just βEscalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
I play golf. Iβm not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole-in-one. But I did hit a guy. And thatβs way more satisfying. Youβre supposed to yell βFore!β but I was too busying mumbling βThere ainβt no way thatβs gonna hit him.β
When youβre in Hollywood and youβre a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say βAll right youβre a stand up comedian, can you act? Can you write? Write us a script.β They want me to do things thatβs related to comedy, but itβs not comedy. Thatβs not fair. Itβs as though if I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a good cook, and they said βAll right youβre a cookβ¦ can you farm?β
- βRice is great when youβre youβre hungry and you want 10,000 of somethingβ
- βTennis is depressing because no matter how good you get, you will never be as good as a wallβ
- βI order the club sandwich all the time, but Iβm not even a member, man. I donβt know how I get away with itβ
- βI used to think I could control ducks with my mind. But it turns out ducks and I just have really similar ideas about what ducks should do.β
- βI used to do a lot of drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.β
βI donβt have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who would be really mad if she heard me say that.β
- βI wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then Iβm gonna stick pins in all the locations that Iβve traveled to. But first Iβm gonna have to travel to the top two corners so it doesnβt fall down.β
Mitch Hedberg was one of the funniest dudes alive.


























