merlin meta

From the very beginning, Merlin's character was so appealing to me - not just because of his situation and how it could be relatable in so many ways, but also because of the model of masculinity he represented; something not often portrayed on screen (apart from LOTR). It's like the creators of the show used all the appealing-to-the-male-audience hero points on Arthur (although he isn't stereotypical either, but that's a matter for another post) and there just wasn't anything left for Merlin.

Sure, many age-old tropes pertain to Merlin. The chosen hero, the powerful sorcerer in a body of an unassuming boy, the counselor. The fighter.

But he also fits into roles that are not often portrayed as masculine in TV.

He cries, and not just shedding one manly tear; he ugly-cries, and not only in extreme situations. He cries over a unicorn. Or over the druids' fate.

He takes on nurturing roles: he listens to people's plights, he comforts them. He helps people not like a shiny hero-knight type would, but as a healer, friend, and a listener. He gives shelter to Gwen when her father is imprisoned. He heals Daegal.

It's often emphasized that being gentle is in Merlin's nature. He has a ruthless Emrys side, but his most instinctual magic is about creating beauty. In that, he's almost like an artist protagonist, except many movies about male artists still strive to show them as 'manly', where BBCM doesn't. They just show him being overjoyed by beauty.

And yeah, he's queercoded. Sometimes it's very stereotypical (like with all those jokes of 'haha, Merlin wears a dress').

And he doesn't get a female love interest except for Freya. It's very interesting with Freya, though. Very often, when we have a story about an underdog, a nerdy, less popular guy who finally manages to obtain a female love interest, stories are written so that he has to 'man up' to gain the love (fight for her in a very macho way, make big gestures etc.). But in The Lady of the Lake episode, Merlin wins his love by being caring and nurturing - and the same episode makes those dress jokes! It's a rather unusual situation for modern TV. Merlin doesn't lose any of his ambiguity, but he still gains love, at least temporarily. Well, maybe that's why Freya dies...

I've heard some opinions in fandom that Freylin in canon doesn't feel like it's really love, but more as if Merlin has found kinship. And I agree, it's sudden and it's very teenager-y, and much of Merlin's love is tied to the fact that he can share magic with Freya freely. But I also wonder if some of this doesn't also tie to the fact that we're not used to romance being portrayed that way - at least not in films that are catered to men. Sure, male love interests are often portrayed as romantic and caring in movies catering to women (mostly romantic comedies) - but it's not something we expect in an adventure story. But in The Lady of the Lake, Merlin is nurturing, gentle and caring, and he helps Freya calm down in her bastet form and prevents her from killing more people.

Merlin takes on an anti-violent role. Instead of fighting for a girl, he de-escalates the situation.

by all accounts, he should be there, especially since uther hardly misses a chance to teach him about the dangers of sorcery, and since it's a practice that uther definitely wants arthur to continue into his own reign. is this such a commonplace event that uther no longer requires him to attend? is he seeing to other responsibilities? or does he CHOOSE not to attend, either out of an immature lack of duty/concern (unlikely imo due to his devotion to his people which is demonstrable even in s1) or because he doesn't approve, like morgana peeking out the window?

arthur doesn't have the ability to peek out the window. he is the prince and must either stand beside the king in tacit support or not be there at all.

but we don't know why he wasn't there!!! we can try to break down why he might not be there, but we aren't given any actual glimpse into his opinions on sorcery at the beginning of the show, no basis to stand on. and this continues through the whole show. arthur's distrust of sorcery seems to waver back and forth every few episodes, so like merlin we are never on stable footing with him. we don't know whether to trust him. and at the end he even admits - he doesn't know what he would have done if he'd found out sooner. and neither do we.

may i just say, i am very glad you asked but i really don’t think you’re going to be, by the end of this. do you know how many Thoughts™️ i have had about one very stupid warlock and one very cryptic dragon???? do you????? do you know????? i could turn this into a fucking,,,,,, PowerPoint presentation if i cared to except i don’t and also i would never inflict PowerPoint on my followers, i love you guys far too much for that, i’m sorry for even suggesting it honestly

i AM sorry in advance for how long this is going to be, though, i’ll try to just reference key points, such as,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, 

The Dragon’s Call

I legitimately don’t even know where to start with this, to tell you the truth - there is just so much to talk about here, and I’m honestly a bit overwhelmed - but I think, most of all, it’s incredibly important to note how easily, how effortlessly, Kilgharrah handles Merlin here. 

We don’t know yet how much Kilgharrah truly knows about Merlin as a person - all he ever mentions, in this interaction at least, is the destiny Merlin shares with Arthur - but Merlin gives himself away all too easily. There is such earnest desperation and hope on his face when Kilgharrah talks of fate. He lays bare the thing he wants more than anything else in the world–a purpose for himself and his power–and Kilgharrah immediately seizes this advantage. He dangles a “great destiny” in front of Merlin like a horse with a carrot, but he neglects the details and the specifics in favor of the big picture.

The only true instruction Merlin receives from Kilgharrah in this scene is “protect Arthur”. There’s some stuff about Albion, and freedom for sorcerers, of course, but Kilgharrah leaves it all a bit fuzzy, a bit scrambled. Clearly, he has plenty more to say on the subject, but he deliberately holds back. Like he’s going to clear it all up, yes, of course, but not tonight, no, maybe next time he sees Merlin.

And that’s exactly what he wants.

I know Kilgharrah’s cryptic, confusing, usually not-very-helpful advice is sort of treated a bit like a running joke, by the fandom and the series itself, but just think, for even a second, about the implications of it. 

Kilgharrah does not intend to tell Merlin everything he needs to know to fulfill the prophecy. Kilgharrah does not intend to tell Merlin even a fraction of everything he needs to know. Kilgharrah wants to keep Merlin coming back for more. Kilgharrah needs Merlin. Kilgharrah needs to earn Merlin’s trust. Kilgharrah needs to establish a relationship with Merlin if he’s ever going to get free of his prison. 

At this point in time, Kilgharrah does not care about Merlin. Kilgharrah does not care, even, about destiny, or Albion. Merlin is merely a means to an end, and so Kilgharrah treats him as such - gives him the bare minimum, gives him the slightest taste of what he wants, and pretends he’s doing Merlin an enormous favor the whole way through. 

Perhaps Kilgharrah expects Merlin to jump at this chance - after all, great destinies bring much glory - but that’s absolutely not the case, and, as Merlin gets blunter and blunter about his doubts and reluctance, Kilgharrah takes away all other options.

Kilgharrah tells Merlin that the prophecy is not something he can cast off or leave behind. It’s not something he can outrun. As a matter of fact, their very next interaction in Valiant has a similar exchange.

Kilgharrah cuts off Merlin’s escape routes. Kilgharrah wants to trap Merlin. Kilgharrah wants Merlin to feel trapped, fettered, bound to something he doesn’t even want. Kilgharrah does not want Merlin to have a choice, so Kilgharrah denies him this choice right from the start. Kilgharrah teaches Merlin that he does not get to say no.

And it only gets worse as S1 drags on. Nearly all of their earliest interactions follow the same pattern, every single time: Kilgharrah never gives Merlin the whole truth, and Kilgharrah never forgets to make Merlin feel special. 

And it works. It absolutely horrified me to sit through S1 at certain points - the pattern of malicious manipulation stood out to me so starkly, I couldn’t think how other people could even stomach it, to be honest. And even worse, you have to watch the hero wander right into the lions’ den, lay docilely down, and wait for the inevitable, because that manipulation fucking worked.

By as early as The Mark of Nimeuh, Merlin is clearly very at ease with Kilgharrah, visibly relaxed and even content in the caves with him. And it’s a horrific thing to see. If you recognize the pattern, if you recognize the way Kilgharrah draws Merlin in, it truly is a horrific thing to see. 

And it only gets worse. 

By The Beginning of the End, Merlin has started to take his destiny seriously–so seriously, he calls Arthur’s death “unthinkable”, so seriously that Kilgharrah advises him to kill a child, and Merlin actually takes the time to step back and consider it. This is where the true scope of Kilgharrah’s manipulation can best be seen, especially by the viewers who didn’t notice it, or just didn’t actively look for it in or after The Dragon’s Call.

As in The Dragon’s Call and Valiant, Kilgharrah cuts off Merlin’s escape routes. Kilgharrah traps Merlin. But it’s not like The Dragon’s Call, and it’s not like Valiant, not really, because this time, Kilgharrah is nowhere near as straightforward about it. He does not outright tell Merlin “you have no choice”–as a matter of fact, he is very quick to emphasize how much of a choice Merlin truly has. 

And how, if Merlin dares to make the wrong one, it’s going to be all his fault.

Again, this is where the full extent of Kilgharrah’s machinations fully comes to light. For all but Merlin.

Because Merlin continues to trust Kilgharrah right up until

Le Morte d’Arthur

The term “emotional rollercoaster” is, in all honesty, a very weak way to describe this episode, but it’s the best I’ve got, so that’ll have to do. So, to make sure I don’t just fuck off right here, rewatch this one, and cry literal buckets, the way I’d really like to, I’ll just jump right on in. (I already have this whole episode memorized by heart anyway.)

If the casual way Kilgharrah sent Merlin off on an actual suicide mission - in absolutely every sense of the term - wasn’t enough to tip Merlin off that the cryptic lizard under the castle couldn’t be trusted, well, don’t worry, because the rest of the episode certainly does that.

This is the moment when Merlin finally starts to see through Kilgharrah’s pretty words, this is the moment when Merlin finally starts to see the web Kilgharrah has woven all around him, and it is done absolutely brilliantly.

Kilgharrah has grown so confident–so complacent, even–in his control over Merlin, he makes no attempt, at any point, to mask his true intentions.

And Merlin never wondered, not even once, if Kilgharrah might have an ulterior motive, a deeper reason, to see Arthur succeed, to see the prophecy come to fruition. Merlin never suspected Kilgharrah of treachery or deceit. 

At first glance, this line is flat, unimaginative, unoriginal - you see it in every stereotypical fantasy series when the hero suffers a betrayal - but if you go back through S1 and you really pay attention to what’s led up to this, and damn, that line cuts deep. Because it’s true. It’s the truth. Merlin really believed Kilgharrah wanted the best for him. 

Merlin really believed Kilgharrah was his friend.

Because Kilgharrah played him like a goddamned fiddle.

And even now, Kilgharrah thinks he can pull Merlin right back under his thumb, he truly thinks he’s still got a hold on Merlin, however small.

When Kilgharrah sees he’s lost the emotional advantage he had over Merlin, he immediately finds another angle to work with - the magical connections he and Merlin share. And it backfires spectacularly.

This is the first moment we see Kilgharrah truly fail. And this is the first moment we see Kilgharrah lose all control, and lash out in wild fury.

This was not a calculated move. This was not part of the plan. This was not the way Kilgharrah wanted things to go from here. This is raw, uncontrolled, unrestrained rage. This does not fit into the grand scheme Kilgharrah has cooked up over all those years in the dark, this is something far more primal than that. This is an emotional reaction in the deepest sense of the term, and it’s Merlin who dragged such an extreme response out of him. 

But unlike in previous episodes, Merlin doesn’t come back and resolve it all. Things stay sour between them for–well, several weeks, actually, that’s my best guess, because we see in The Curse of Cornelius Sigan, Merlin’s outright refusal, at first, to return to Kilgharrah.

Gaius eventually convinces Merlin to mend fences with the dragon - Camelot will fall if he doesn’t, which certainly gives Merlin an incentive - but Kilgharrah’s help comes at a steep price now. 

It’s clear Kilgharrah has realized he doesn’t need to play Merlin anymore. He doesn’t need to hide what he really wants, and he certainly doesn’t need to do anything special to keep Merlin coming back to him. Merlin needs him. Merlin will come back so long as he still has a prince to protect. So Kilgharrah, with this newfound sort of freedom, goes to the opposite extreme. He tears Merlin down for the smallest thing, he criticizes Merlin for every last little failure, he sneers at Merlin’s resolute hold to his own morality, he blames and belittles Merlin, he is needlessly and openly cruel to Merlin at absolutely every opportunity.

In The Nightmare Begins, we see he refuses to help Merlin with Morgana, he insists Morgana is not to be trusted and he calls Merlin a fool for his attempts to help her with her magic. 

And, in The Witch’s Quickening, Kilgharrah reproaches Merlin for his failures with both Mordred and Morgana. (That’s honestly just a constant throughout S2 - Merlin does something, Kilgharrah tears him apart for it, Merlin defends himself and his decisions, Kilgharrah reminds Merlin of his promise to set him free, Merlin swears he will, and so on and so forth. I really don’t think we need to touch on every single interaction between them in S2, as many of them are largely the same.) 

But a few key points here….. 

The Fires of Idirsholas

Anyone notice how every season finale, with the exception of S4, marks a major turning point in Merlin and Kilgharrah’s relationship??? Because I fucking do. anyways, quick aside before we get into the more serious stuff

Merlin knows Kilgharrah well enough to know the dragon’s just fucking around, and honestly, that makes me so happy. one of them might be a scaly asshole and the other might be a magical bastard, but goddamn, their relationship still has its moments.

So this scene is,,,,,,,,,, honestly really important, I’ll just stick a bunch of screenshots in right here and dissect it as I go

Merlin acts rashly here, there’s definitely no doubt about that, but honest to God, this is one impulsive decision where you just can’t blame him at all. Kilgharrah has backed him completely into a corner–and, in keeping with his new attitude toward Merlin in S2, Kilgharrah doesn’t bother with subtlety, Kilgharrah doesn’t even try and rely on manipulation to get Merlin exactly where he wants him to be. 

It seems overt threats and brute force are the tools Kilgharrah has turned to, since he lost his command over Merlin in S1.

As we can see here, Kilgharrah does not bother to try and lightly nudge Merlin down the “right” path–why would he bother to be kind if he doesn’t absolutely have to be, after all? This is just the most complete turnaround from The Beginning of the End, and it’s absolutely astounding how smoothly, how neatly, the change in Kilgharrah comes about.

But, as we all know, the overt threats and brute force actually work. Merlin does exactly as Kilgharrah wants - he poisons Morgana, he steals a sword from the Knights of Medhir, and he frees Kilgharrah (anyone else remember the fUCKING MAGIC STAIRS THAT LITERALLY DIDN’T EXIST UNTIL MERLIN NEEDED THEM Or nah just me?? maybe Merlin magicked them up with his phenomenal cosmic powers i dunno either way i fucking hate it)

And this string of Nice Job Breaking It, Hero! decisions leads us to……

The Last Dragonlord

There’s a lot of ground to cover in this episode, honestly, but for now, let’s focus on how Kilgharrah knew Balinor. 

Let’s break that shit down, because it’s really fucking important, actually. Kilgharrah knew Balinor. To that end, he must have known Merlin. Maybe he knew Merlin’s ancestry right from the start, maybe he sensed it, even, through the telepathic connection he established with Merlin in The Dragon’s Call, or maybe, the moment he laid eyes on Merlin, he simply saw so much of Balinor there, and he put it all together, but however he worked it out, Kilgharrah knew Balinor, and Kilgharrah knew Merlin must be Balinor’s son. 

And Kilgharrah deliberately withheld this from Merlin.

And Kilgharrah rarely makes a move without reason. Kilgharrah has always got some sort of plan, some sort of scheme, some kind of angle to work, and that’s exactly what he has right here. 

Because, God knows, if Merlin ever met Balinor, if Merlin ever learned about dragonlords, if Merlin ever had any knowledge of the magical world Kilgharrah did not personally hand to him, it would give Merlin an advantage. However small, this knowledge would give Merlin an advantage.

And Kilgharrah cannot let him have that. 

i previously touched pretty heavily on this episode, and what it means for Merlin and Kilgharrah’s relationship here, so i’ll just reiterate briefly ~ 

Ever since Le Morte d’Arthur, Merlin and Kilgharrah’s relationship has headed for something serious, something major–if all the bits of S2 weren’t enough to foreshadow that, Merlin’s final promise to free Kilgharrah in The Fires of Idirsholas certainly did–and that incredible tension finally comes to a head here. When Merlin discovers his own latent dragonlord abilities. When Merlin “finds the voice” that he and Kilgharrah share. When Merlin realizes Kilgharrah’s soul and his are “brothers”.   

Oh, no, Merlin doesn’t forgive Kilgharrah here–and that’s what most powerful about it, in all honesty, it really just wouldn’t have packed the same punch, if Merlin had truly buried the hatchet here. But he doesn’t. The hard edges of his anger soften, he sees revenge is a pathetic and pointless thing to try and exact from Kilgharrah, and he sees he has laid unnecessary and unfair blame on Kilgharrah. But he doesn’t forgive Kilgharrah. Not at all.

And Kilgharrah doesn’t forgive Merlin. 

Kilgharrah comes to respect Merlin. Up until now, Kilgharrah has seen Merlin as little more than a child–foolish and naive and entirely dependent on others, too easily tricked, too easy to take advantage of, too quick to trust, too quick to love, too quick to give his heart away–and while that perspective isn’t necessarily unfair, it’s not the whole picture, either. Merlin isn’t just a child. Merlin isn’t just foolish and naive and gullible. 

And for the first time, Kilgharrah really sees that. Kilgharrah has believed, up until right this moment, that Merlin’s heart, Merlin’s compassion, Merlin’s love, would lead him to his death, to Arthur’s death, to the fall of Camelot, to the failure of the prophecy. Kilgharrah didn’t truly believe Merlin could achieve his destiny. Not until right now.

Because, for the first time, Merlin’s heart, Merlin’s compassion, Merlin’s love, serves Kilgharrah.

Merlin shows Kilgharrah mercy (and commands him to “do the same to others”) and in the face of such an unexpected and undeserved kindness, Kilgharrah finally sees Merlin in his entirety. 

And Kilgharrah comes to respect Merlin.

Something fundamental has shifted between them. Something has changed here tonight, and it’s immediately obvious right from their very first scene together in S3. 

If that - and the gentle, almost sweet way Kilgharrah cares for Merlin here - didn’t already indicate a serious shift in their dynamic, the rest of it certainly does. 

If The Last Dragonlord wasn’t a thing, do you really think Kilgharrah would ever have said Merlin “showed great courage” when he followed his heart? Yeah. Neither do I. Oh, and then Kilgharrah allows Merlin to ride upon his back all the way to Camelot.

What a blatant change from S2, don’t you think? But the conflict between Merlin and Kilgharrah isn’t entirely over. With two such obstinate, contrary personalities, it’s almost inevitable, to tell the truth.

But The Crystal Cave is, I think, the first true example of how Merlin, rather than Kilgharrah, holds all the power in their relationship now.

In S1, Kilgharrah convinced Merlin he did not get to say no.

In S3, Merlin proves Kilgharrah truly does not get to say no. Kilgharrah has absolutely no choice in this, Kilgharrah has absolutely no power or control or command here. It all lies with Merlin. And Merlin is so damned out of line.

Don’t misunderstand me. It’s wonderful that Merlin has finally learned how to handle himself around Kilgharrah. He has finally learned how to stand on his own and stick to his guns, he has finally proven Kilgharrah cannot lead him around blindly as in S1. 

But Merlin is out of line here. Merlin does mistreat Kilgharrah here. Merlin does abuse his power here. And that’s not okay. 

Kilgharrah isn’t the sole “bad guy” in this dynamic, and Merlin is not his helpless, defenseless victim. It’s not so simple as all that. The minute the power is placed in Merlin’s hands, he uses it. He is every bit as cruel to Kilgharrah as Kilgharrah has ever been to him. 

(something very interesting to note here: Merlin waits to see what Kilgharrah will do. He’s already given his orders, there is little more Kilgharrah can do, but Merlin is genuinely curious to see if a dragon can truly shake off his control. As we see in Kilgharrah’s acquiescence mere moments later, he cannot. this has nothing to do with anything, I just really like the little detail.)

Kilgharrah and Merlin never resolve this conflict, but the next time they get together, in The Coming of Arthur, things appear to be back to normal. There’s no lasting anger on either side. Kilgharrah even proclaims his loyalty to Merlin, and lets Merlin ride upon his back again. 

In The Darkest Hour, the year’s gap has clearly only served to strengthen Merlin and Kilgharrah’s relationship even further.

Kilgharrah’s confession here is powerful enough all on its own, but the soft, sorrowful way he says it really plays up how much he would truly miss Merlin, were he to lose him now. Even Kilgharrah in S3 hadn’t yet developed enough–or, in truth, softened enough–to grieve Merlin as he does here.  

And yet, for all of that, Kilgharrah’s character stays mostly the same, right up until the end of the series. Yes, he has come to care about Merlin now - he doesn’t even try to deny it - and yet, he still cares for himself and his own plans more. 

And he makes that pretty clear in Aithusa.

To be fair to Kilgharrah, Merlin’s hesitation here is merely that - a hesitation. He is going to go after the egg. He is going to rescue Aithusa. He’s already made up his mind. He just needs a little push, and Kilgharrah’s intention here is simply to provide him with that push.

But guilt didn’t need to be that push. Guilt shouldn’t have been that push. The inherent malice in a mention of Merlin’s father felt cruel. Like a step backward for Kilgharrah and his growth. Like he hadn’t changed at all since S1. 

And it felt right! Kilgharrah shouldn’t have to change the very essence of who he is, as a character, as a person, to prove how much he has grown. He has grown! By leaps and bounds, he has grown, and this is not an erasure of that growth, this is a reminder that all that growth will not turn him into a pure or wholesome or unproblematic character.

If you really need a further demonstration of Kilgharrah’s development over the course of the series, just look at his reaction when he hears Aithusa’s egg is still out there somewhere.

This is not an act. This is real. Kilgharrah is overjoyed at the idea that he will not have to be alone any longer, and it astounds me, still, how truly open with Merlin he is here, how freely he expresses himself. Even as late as S3, Kilgharrah takes care to cloak and conceal his emotions even from his dragonlord, and to see him so candid is honestly a bit of a shock.

Kilgharrah has come to trust Merlin enough to be honest with him, to be open with him. For that alone, this moment is one of the most important the two share over the course of the series.

also, this episode is my personal favorite from S4, so have a rare glimpse of Merlin and Kilgharrah being happy together:

We don’t see much of Kilgharrah from here on out - in fact, we don’t see him in S4 at all after this - except his brief appearance in The Sword in the Stone ((which was hella rad, by the way, don’t ever piss one Merlin Emrys off or he will just call up a fucking dragon to rain down literal hellfire on you i guess)) - but the times we do see him are very important!

The Kindness of Strangers

Raise your hand if this episode just utterly wrecked you, because,,,,,,,,,, uh,,,,,,, yeah,,,,,,,, as the kids say,,,,,,,, “big same”,,,,,,,,,,

Merlin and Kilgharrah’s time together is actually very short, in this episode, but all the more poignant and impactful for that. It’s clear right from the first moment Merlin opens his mouth that the dynamic between the two of them has evolved yet again. Aithusa definitely planted the seeds for this new and stronger relationship, but it’s only here we get to see those seeds truly blossom.

So, yes, there are definite echoes of Aithusa here–Kilgharrah is honest, he’s candid, he’s open with his emotions, but unlike in Aithusa, he’s much freer with his affection for Merlin. Sure, he’s certainly had his moments (The Darkest Hour jumps readily to mind) but even so, he’s never been quite this quick to confess how much he’s truly come to care for Merlin.

And it’s a rare thing, really, to see Merlin so relaxed around Kilgharrah. It’s taken the two of them a long time to grow so comfortable with each other, and it’s wonderful to finally get to see it!

………oh, yeah, and then there’s this

So this is kind of branded into my memory (listen, I was already braced for Arthur’s death, okay, I did not expect to lose Kilgharrah, too, and if you think I didn’t cry literal buckets after this episode, you are fucking WRONG) but the bits that really stick out?

“What will I do without you?” “It is the cycle of life–no more, no less.”

The two of them have really just come such a long way, haven’t they? Remember in S1, when Merlin was merely a means to an end for Kilgharrah? Remember in S2, when Kilgharrah was nothing more than a necessary evil to Merlin?  

Now, Merlin cannot imagine his life without Kilgharrah and now, Kilgharrah tries to ease Merlin’s grief and sorrow in any way he can. 

Which, actually, is the exact same thing he does in 

The Diamond of the Day

Kilgharrah has just seen Merlin fail, in the worst and most enormous way possible. Destiny has finally come to fruition, and Emrys himself was not strong enough to stop it. 

And yet, Kilgharrah - who, in the past, has never hesitated to point out all the ways Merlin went wrong, no matter how Merlin feels in the moment - offers nothing but comfort, and the first glimmers of hope for the future.

A little hard to believe, isn’t it, that this is the same dragon we met in S1. damn it’s been literal years and i’m STILL shook over the drastic change in the two of them. 

Though the core of the characters remain largely consistent, the two of them truly just shape each other so much as the series goes on. 

Merlin would not be the person he is in S5 without Kilgharrah, and Kilgharrah would not be the person he is in S5 without Merlin.

it's like arthur went from 'but this act of magic was one of love and healing and the other was evil, surely they should not be punished the same' to 'magic is dangerous and corrupts, that's why it's only ok when i use it' to 'magic is the only evil, and anything can be excused as long as it's used against it'

i just about cried in that sequence where finna is helping merlin up the stairs

gOD

and then merlin collapses because he’s literally bleeding to death and about to pass out 

but the only thing he says, as he’s teetering on the edge of unconsciousness, is this:

he’s dying.  and this is what he says.  

it’s what he tells mordred in 5.05.  it’s what he tells gilli.  it’s what he keeps telling himself, over and over again, no matter how much evidence to the contrary piles up at his feet, no matter how much he continues to suffer.  as if he has to keep repeating it to convince himself.  as if it’s a reflex now.

things will be better.  things will be better.  things will be better.

merlin has no choice but to keep believing this, or else all of his terrible pain and loss will have been for nothing.  or else all of the people who died to keep him safe will have died for nothing.  or else everything he’s given up for the sake of his people’s future freedom will have been sacrificed for nothing.  

he has to keep telling himself this, even if deep down inside he isn’t always sure that it’s true anymore.

No apologies required, friendo! Even if someone had already asked that question, I adore getting asks like this :)

So I'll be honest, this ask lowkey inspired me to rewatch Darkest Hour for the billionth time, and let me tell you - whoever says time heals all wounds has never been emotionally invested in a fictional character.

Angst aside, I agree with you. Lancelot definitely wanted to save Merlin, and that's why he went through the veil. Personal interpretation is that Lancelot did it out of love for Merlin, as I'm a sucker for Mercelot (I call it 'merlot' cuz idk i think it sounds cooler). But whether romantically or platonically, it's apparent that Lancelot cared very deeply for Merlin. All throughout that episode we see various instances of Lancelot saving or protecting him - when Merlin realized his magic was useless against the dorocha, when Lancelot offered to cover for him and let him run back to Camelot, when Merlin got struck by the dorocha and needed to get back to Gaius - time and again, we see Lancelot's devotion to his friend in this arc.

But it isn't until Merlin says "you have to have a reason. Something you care about. Something that's more important than anything" that Lancelot gets the idea to go through the veil himself. He starts thinking about what *he* would fight and die for, what he finds more important than anything, and finds that answer to be Merlin. He would die for Merlin.

It's a tragic thing, realizing you love someone at the same moment that you realize you will have to die to save them. But Lancelot's alright with that. There's no one he'd rather give his life for. So he passes through the veil with a smile on his face, knowing that the one he loves will be safe.

Idk other people probably interpret it differently, but I think Lancelot died to protect Merlin, and also because Merlin had inspired him to be brave and selfless.

Having to hide who you are, pretend not to be bothered by the sight of someone like you dying in the courtyard of the place you have to call home, having to hear your best friend talk about people like yourself as if you deserve to be executed because you’re “evil” even though you were born that way and can’t control it.

Merlin should’ve gone mad at Arthur and he deserved to. Arthur (¿kind of?) had a right to feel betrayed because Merlin never said anything or seemed to trust him after telling him that but oh my giddy god Merlin deserved to be furious with Arthur after everything he had to endure. This is what I’m picturing:

- Arthur is mad and shouting all about trust and lies and betrayal because he’s so caught up in his feelings

- Merlin is dead silent, not saying a word but his eyes are burning with anger looking at the floor/ground and his clenched fists are shaking and he jaw is tense.

- And Arthur finally seems to finish his shouting feeling all energy and adrenaline rush out of him and it’s a few moments before he just hears "You really think you have the right to shout at me that I’m a traitor and a liar after everything you put me through?"

- And Arthur just dumbly goes “what?” but he says it in an annoyed tone to cover his shock and fear of the silent rage in Merlin’s voice.

- And that’s when Merlin’s furious eye that are glistening with tears look up at Arthur and Arthur gets unnerved because he has never seen that look on Merlin’s face.

- Merlin would start off quiet at first. Listing off all the times Arthur condemned his very existence. 'You told me as my bestfriend’s body burnt of the pyre that people like me were dangerous.' 'Thanked people like me for showing you the truth on how deceitful and evil people like me are.' And he gets gradually louder and louder screaming his head off at Arthur. He mentions Freya, all he’s lost in order to keep him alive, his injuries, the pain he felt. By the end his voice is hoarse and tears have made their way down his cheeks while Arthur stares in frozen horror.

- When Arthur just can’t respond and stands there frozen while Merlin clearly eyes him daring him to respond. So when he can’t - because he literally doesn’t know how - Merlin just scoffs and storms off leaving Arthur standing there.

or zaheer in korra being like ‘unjust hierarchies and dictators are bad And I Also Want To Kill A Child’