all panic, no disco

I turn to the chalkboard and carefully write out

WORKIN' HARD

my hometown has a giant statue of vulcan, greek god of the forge. the world's largest cast-iron statue!! and one of the tallest statues in the US, period. representative of our history. but that's not important. what's important is that he stands on a tall platform atop red mountain, which separates the city from its southern suburbs. that makes him extremely visible. from the front he looks like this

majestic! powerful! i love him. love looking up and seeing him whenever i'm downtown <3

but from the back he looks like this

that's right... he has a bare ass. my guy's not wearing any pants

vulcan (this statue in particular, not the god) is a beloved symbol of the city and it's the bare ass that really makes it. there are bobblebutt figures, etc. he's been repositioned to his original orientation but for a long time he faced north, leaving his ass to face the suburb of homewood directly to the south of him. so some guys wrote a song about it in the 80s

but it's like. a joke song. because actually everyone thinks it's funny. a lady tried to start a campaign once to clothe vulcan's ass but no one was interested

me: yeah whatever. i don't feel shit

5 min later: dude i swear the house is 1/4" bigger on the inside