gay

I'm gonna preface this message by saying I received your first ask at the end of a 10-hour shift after which I still had to spend 4 hours on my master's thesis. That is to say, I read this at the absolute lowest possible point of my day, and I got several messages like yours in the past, most of which got more rude every time I didn't respond, so I reacted out of anger in the hope that I could finally nip this pet peeve of mine in the bud. Most of the messages like yours I've gotten have been from the same person (I will take you at your word that you're not them, especially since that would mean you were a very prolific ask-sender at a very young age (I also saw your third ask but I will keep my response on this one)). So I'm sorry for how that came across.

Also this message is getting long but I have another long shift tomorrow and don't want to leave this in my inbox.

But I do want to make it clear that I'm not being an asshole "for no reason". Given what you told me, I know you didn't mean or intend it that way, but your ask was actually quite rude and hurtful to me.

To give you a bit of background, I was your age when I started writing The Cold Half (almost 6 years ago now). At the time, I had a gap year. I wrote full-time. 10+ hours a day, most days a week. I kept that up through my first year of uni (I shouldn't have, I almost burned out), without posting a thing so that I didn't have to write against the pressure of people wanting updates. By the time I finished posting the Late Fall, I had most of the Blue Hours written, and I gave people a fixed release date for it. Despite that, I got dozens of asks and comments asking when when I was going to update. Most of them were worded rudely, and not one of them complimented my fic in any meaningful way. Just dozens of people popping up after half a year of silence asking for more. I did not have a strict release date for the Night Winds because full-time study and a project this big are nearly impossible to combine, which made things even worse, even after I explained to readers at the time how those messages made me feel (I did this in the author's notes of the Blue Hours, but deleted it some time ago because it did not work and I didn't like being reminded of it every time I referenced my own fic).

I write an incredibly niche kind of fic, in an already small fandom, and pretty much the only in-depth conversations I have had about my fic in the past three years have been with my beta readers. I post, barely anyone responds. Whenever they do, it's to ask me when I'm going to update, often without even saying they liked my fic, what they liked, or why. It's a popular fic that is clearly well-liked, but if I didn't check the metrics, I wouldn't know. Barely anyone bothers to tell me that in words other than "please update" or something along those lines. Not since late part two, and most of part three. For the past two years, writing The Cold Half has felt like a chore. Not because I don't like the story anymore, but because there is virtually no payoff anymore to writing it down and sharing it. I can enjoy the story just fine in my head, but writing it down is something I do with the explicit purpose to share it. Not necessarily for attention, but for connection.

When someone who has never reached out to me about my fic before, never talked about it, and then asks me when I'm going to update, it's a little like if you participated in a marathon, but no one showed up for support. They're watching, sure, but at home, in front of the TV. After the game you get an unsigned post card asking you when you're gonna run the next one. When you run the next one, again, everyone watches in front of the TV. The sidelines are empty. You finish the mararthon, you get another note. That's been my experience for pretty much the past four years. It's also the reason you'll barely see me talking about my fic, or my progress on here anymore.

I genuinely have no reason to believe anyone besides my closest friends (who are also my beta readers) cares. I put the link to my tumblr on my ao3 account to make connections, to talk about the project I have spent almost a quarter of my life on, because there is a lot to talk about, be it the plot, writing choices, theories, etc. not to get more unsigned notes. Outside my own friend group and a very small number of regulars (most of whom haven't showed up past part one), most of the interaction I got was actually questions like this, and anon hate. Every time I stop posting between parts, there is radio silence except for this question and spam/hate comments. There is absolutely nothing more demotivating than to have the only feedback I get be people asking for more and people telling me I should be writing something else.

No one, and I mean that very literally, no one, has ever told me why they liked my fic when they asked me when I was going to update. I have gotten more comments on ao3 where people edited in "btw i like ur fic" only after the fact than ones in which it was included from the get-go (I can count those on one hand). It's not just rude, it's outright painful. I put a lot of time and effort into this fic. I wrote some of it while in the hospital, even. It's painful when people are not even willing to outright tell you they liked your fic before asking you to put in the work of writing more.

You mentioned your age in your third message and if I had known that up front, I would not have responded the way I did. If anyone I had known had asked me this question, I would have not have responded the way I did. But that is also the issue here. I don't know you. I only know you like my fic because it was implied in you asking me to update, but you didn't actually tell me that. I had to assume. I also had to assume that it was the Cold Half you were talking about because you didn't even call the fic by its name. I have several multi-part maze runner fics that are due for an update. I assume you mean this one. I hope I assume correctly, because you gave me know other way of knowing. That's how empty your original message was.

The last time someone who isn't a close friend told me they liked The Cold Half was 321 days ago. In those 321 days, I have gotten over two dozen messages, asks, and comments of anonymous people (it is ALWAYS anon asks, empty blogs, or guests on ao3, never people I could even reach out to myself in a meaningful way) asking me when I was going to update, or worse, why I wasn't doing it already. Not one mentioned it by name, not one included so much as a compliment. I just had to assume that was intended.

You say you care about my work, but how was I supposed to know that from your original ask? At best, that implied you care about when the next part is coming. I assume of the Cold Half, because like I said, you didn't actually mention the fic you day you care about. The Cold Half just makes the most sense to me given the context.

To be truthfully honest, if you hadn't sent that third ask, I would have yelled at you again. I had already typed out most of my response when you did. I didn't know that you love my fic, you didn't tell me. I didn't know that you cared, you didn't tell me. Hell, at this point, I didn't even know I had many fans beside my own friends. They don't tell me. Certainly not in between parts.

I shared my tumblr on ao3 to make connection easier. To invite people to talk to me, not at me. That I mentioned you not following me is not because that is something I care about, but because it hurts that you came all this way, anonymously, and instead asked me to give something to you. After over 10.000 hours of work in my spare time, instead of saying something nice first at the very least, you asked me provide something to you. If I have a timeframe in mind, I have one in mind for myself, and I will not share it because I cannot trust people to be mature about it. But also because that is all people ever ask for. Not for my thoughts, not for my thoughts about xyz scene. And frankly, I'm a little scared that when I do tell people, I would never hear a thing again, except if I'm late, which I likely will be if I put a date to it because adult life is a lot busier than my life was way back when I started this fic.

Sorry that people care about your fic and want to know.

I'm not angry that you want to know when I'm going to update. I am certainly not angry that people care about my fic. I would love to know that people care about my fic. But people who ask me this question never tell me.

Neither did you.

You didn't even mention it by name. I understand your intentions were pure, I really do, and I apologize for how harshly I responded, but I really, really need you to understand how much it hurts to see that someone reached out to you and have the sincere hope that they have something nice to say that I could respond to and connect with, only to have to guess what fic they are even referring to.

I'm not trying to be an asshole, it just genuinely hurts to put so much time, and effort, and love into something for years, and in 321 days, never have even one person actually tell me they love my fic or care about it, let alone why, or how, except for you now in this ask.

kiss me and i might drop dead — a brenda/teresa ballet au

Brenda has only ever seen Teresa from afar, never expecting they'd never end up at the same company, let alone ever talk to one another. Things change when they're both up for the lead in the upcoming winter ballet, and when Brenda is forced to wrestle with some emotions more complicated than her well-practiced routine.

Their playlist

Brenda didn't exactly enjoy killing. She certainly wouldn't do it if she didn't have a reason. Sure, some people would think her reason wasn't very good, but they didn't get it. They would never get it.

She didn't like getting rid of what were technically innocent people. All Thomas did was love Teresa and be loved back. She was the most wonderful person in the world, and he somewhat understood that.

Not as well as her of course.

Aris had given her a hug one second too long and an innocent peck on the cheek. It was purely platonic. He was affectionate with the people he was close with, and Teresa didn't mind.

But she couldn't risk it.

Rachel hadn't done anything at all. She was just her friend.

When the people she cared for died, Brenda got to be there though. She would hold her as she cried on her shoulder and sleep beside her while promising to protect her.

If she waited long enough, if she took enough people away, she would be the only one left.

If she was the only one left, Teresa would see her enough to realize she loves her too.

@themazewomen

This is an old theory of mine that I posted some years ago on winter-rowan. Not the winter-rowan you know, but the one from before my parents deleted my first account, that's how old this theory is. IIRC, I first posted about it after Fever Code released, in 2016, because Fever Code cemented it in my brain (It didn't get much attention, lol, pretty sure it now only exists in my brain. If anyone finds the original post, I'll add a link, but I had that blog set to unsearchable so it's likely lost to time).

This is mainly a book theory.

tl;dr: Thomas is the one who insisted he go in the Maze, and based his first interaction with Group B, the signs in the Scorch, Rachel being dead, and many other things, I think that WCKD never intended on sending Thomas into the Maze--but when he forced their hand, they did so, and used him as a Variable to further their experiment.

The variable theory is:

Thomas is a variable.

WCKD is very interested in his brainwaves, in him and Teresa and Rachel and Aris (we'll get to them a little later on). In Fever Code, it's heavily implied that they were never meant to go into the Maze; Thomas was the one who insisted, but with with caveat that he go in with his memories intact. As we know, Teresa betrayed him then and he lost his memories.

I'm betting WCKD was going to send Teresa and Aris at some point anyway--it's a good reaction test. But if you were a scientist studying the behavior of teens trapped in a Maze, wouldn't you want a control group of sorts? A group of teens not trapped in a Maze, to compare with?

Sending Aris and Teresa in makes sense. A reactionary point: how do these teens handle someone different from everyone they've known? (This would also make them Variables, but they're more permanent Variables than the Maze and the Scorch were).

(I would want to keep a few teens behind, personally. This is not an experiment I would ever run, or have anything to do with, but like. You have to know how the stressors of the Maze and Scorch are actually effecting them and for that you need a control group.)

So, it doesn't make sense to send them into the Maze. And Thomas wants to go because he wants to save his friends. IIRC (it's been a while since I read Fever Code in full), he's the one convincing everyone--including Teresa, Aris, and Rachel--to send them in.

Then in Scorch Trials, Group B kidnaps Thomas. Teresa is clearly supposed to make them think he did something to her, and they have been told to kill him. I don't remember rn if it's Thomas, Harriet, or Sonya, but one of them says that it might be a test: Maybe they are actually supposed to kill him. What WCKD wants is their reaction to him. A boy they don't know, who the new girl in their midst can't even stand to be around--what will they do? Will they kill him without letting him speak? Hear him out and then kill him anyway? Or, as they did, hear him and let him live?

WCKD would not actually let Thomas die; they needed him too much for that. But would others want him dead? How does Group A react, when Thomas is taken? (Beyond the initial yelling and threatening). What do they do when he's gone? How hard do they try to find him?

Add onto that that Rachel, Thomas's Group B counterpart, is dead (at the very least, we never see her again. With Gally still being alive I have my doubts on that one), and we know Gally was aiming for Thomas: If Thomas were 'dead' they could put him through all the tests and trials they wanted to study his brain, because no one would be looking for him.

This leads me to thinking about the 'Thomas, you are the leader' signs. We know Minho tells him 'yeah, you want it, take it.' And that Thomas takes a leader's role in talking with Jorge (which is likely because Jorge and Brenda would have both recognized him--he just dropped them off in the Scorch a few weeks ago. I'm probably giving Dashner too much credit here, but this meeting is very likely another of WCKD's tests, not just for the whole group, but to test Thomas alone as well.) Back to the signs: What would the rest of the group have done if Thomas took over as leader? Would Newt feel slighted and become bitter? What about everyone else: All of them have seniority over Thomas in this situation. Would they follow him in in open desert the same way they did in the Maze, especially after he ran ahead to get to Teresa without warning?

There is more, but this is getting long and I've got homework to do so I'll add it in a reblog later.

To conclude, for now:

Realistically, he couldn’t have been immune before the maze since WCKD surely would have run tests on them, including blood tests. And Brenda is cured at the end of the Scorch Trials, meaning something between then and coming up into the maze is what made Thomas immune.

The griever sting is very similar to the flare, even visually when you compare Ben’s sting to Newt’s flare. However, not being given the serum means the infected doesn’t survive it / loses their sanity. This could be because they’re 1) not immune, or 2) the sting isn’t actually the flare but a simulation of the effects to map out how the immune’s systems react to it and what makes them immune.

but the effects of getting Stung is canonically the Flare!! its a strain WICKED made to help invent the cure that for some reason thats never explained affects immunes but is still unable to be transferred by anyone

More importantly, the Griever sting and the Flare are fundamentally different in both origin and purpose. The Flare is a man-made viral pandemic that progressively destroys higher brain function. The Grievers, by contrast, are biomechanical constructs engineered by WICKED to physically test subjects and extract neurological data from Immunes. Nowhere in canon are they described as carrying a virus or simulating infection. Their sting is explicitly a pain and neuro-disruption mechanism that, in combination with the Grief Serum, triggers the “Changing”—a forced neurological response that unlocks or restores memories—not a biological infection. If it were truly viral, it would have spread through the Glade rapidly, which it never does.

The idea that the sting is a “simulation” of the Flare also doesn’t really align with how WICKED’s experiments are structured. WICKED already has direct access to both Flare-infected individuals and controlled Crank Zones. Their tests in the Maze and Scorch Trials are focused on stress responses in Immunes under extreme psychological and environmental pressure, not on mechanically recreating disease progression.

The visual similarity between people undergoing the Changing and actual Cranks is likely just that—visual. It functions more as an external stress factor, another one of WICKED’S precious variables, for the other Gladers witnessing it than as evidence that the same pathology is being replicated in the stung individual. (This is also just my interpretation, it's never stated in canon!)

As far as we know, every Glader who received the serum also survived the Changing. There is a fan theory that those who died or failed to recover were actually non-immune, but Ben complicates that interpretation due to inconsistencies between the books and movies. In the latter, Thomas (and everyone else) discovers Ben has been stung only after arriving, and Ben is Banished even before receiving the serum (i think? since the serum only enters the Glade with Teresa so in movie canon Alby actually is the first to receive it)—not because he’s turning, but because he threatens Thomas and breaks Glade law. In the books, however, Ben is already mid-Changing (they already have access to the serum here) when Thomas arrives, and his hostility is tied to fragmented memories from that process. He recognises Thomas (this is true to both movies and books) and reacts out of fear and confusion rather than full-blown madness. In either version, it’s reasonable to assume he might have recovered if given proper time or treatment.

That said, if you start pushing these questions too far (which, to be fair, the series practically invites), the entire internal logic starts to unravel. Why release a catastrophic virus without a deployed cure? (rookie blunder) Why invest in elaborate Maze systems and waste resources on that instead of more direct simulations? (like those we see with Minho in TDC, way more efficient if you ask me, but no one ever asks me…) Why risk killing Immunes when they might be humanity’s only viable hope? If Immunes exist, shouldn’t antibodies exist too—making a vaccine the obvious focus instead of a cure??????