matt

so. i finally figure out that i am asexual. yipeee! once the sex aspect is out of the way, i can finally persue relationships without any expectations of sex, right? wrong.

i have a long and not too complicated dating history, featuring many e-relationships and two week infatuations.

going back to the early days of fifth grade. i attended a catholic school, and everyone was starting to reach the age where crushes are a new and fascinating occurrence. of course, i don’t know how many ten year olds had true crushes, but they CERTAINLY said they did.

and so, naturally, i needed one too. i picked a boy in my class, joesph, and told my classmates when i was asked. i did not know him well, and he knew i had this “crush” on him, but he didn’t like me and i never actually asked him out, so that was that.

i got my first boyfriend the summer before 7th grade. we attended a jewish sleep away camp, and were part of the same group for leading our unit’s shabbat service. we had the same hairstyle, the only difference being that the top of his hair was dyed red, the top of mine was dyed blue.

this was a preppy camp. we stood out, and thus our relationship was born. a girl approached me and asked if i would date “brendan”. i did not know who brendan was, we met two days before. she described him as “the boy with the red hair”.

it was middle school, and so i said yes. a day later, he asked me out. we dated for that summer until the next one.

the relationship was incredibly 7th grade of us. we hugged, had a pre-planned “kiss” under the fireworks on the last night of the camp session. it was gross, but short. i could now say i had had my first kiss.

he broke up with me due to bullying the next summer, but then after two days of drama, we started dating again. we broke up for good around december or january of 8th grade, over text. he wasn’t going to camp next summer, so we would not see each other again without planning it.

during our first break-up, i was upset, but mostly because i was insulted by the reason behind it. i did not have any strong feeling about break up #2.

i had more relationships between the end of 8th grade and my senior year of high school, but that would be the fastest way to send you all to sleep.

and so. i take you to my two most recent relationships. May 2022 - August 2022, and April 2023 - May 2023

the first one was a girl from a community theater show i was doing. she was snow white, and i was her prince. we became fast friends, and ended up dating. we were together for months, talked daily. we hugged, and sat in bed, holding each other while watching movies. we did not kiss. we did not even attempt to initiate anything more than hand holding.

she broke up with me in august. i was upset at the prospect of us not being together, but the only thing i remember thinking was “there is nothing we did that we cannot do as friends”. of course, it is difficult to rebound from dating, especially long distance as we were. we ended on good terms, but no longer speak to each other.

after her was my ex from the last post. we began dating after months of infatuation. he broke up with a girl for me, i magically made the “crush” that i thought i had on my best friend vanish the second i realized that he may actually show any form of interest in me.

eventually, that too ended. i enjoyed the hugging, cuddling, and closeness. i hated kissing, and the expectations of what i was supposed to be feeling within the relationship.

i did not immediately begin identifying as aromatic, but this is when i first began to entertain the idea.

life went on.

i started college, and met many amazing friends. as is usual for first semester freshman year, people began to get in relationships, and the whole question of “should i try for one?” comes up.

i decided against it, as none of my friends were romantic candidates for me. i know, i know. it’s weird to think of people that way. however, that’s how almost every other relationship i’ve had started.

we became fast friends, and happened to have compatible genders/sexualities to date. and so we did.

it started to dawn on me: what was the difference between my romantic partners and my close friends? the two largest factors are the duration of time we were close, and the amount of physical contact we had with each other.

in my prior romantic relationships, we became close quickly, or became much closer as we started to enter the “talking stage”. the longest i’ve known someone before getting into a relationship with them was a year and a half, and we were much more distant and did not hang out too often before the dating part.

as for physical intimacy: we started hugging/holding hands/being comfortable with each other before dating, but used it as a sign that we should start a relationship?

i suppose that is where i stand right now.

i am unsure of what the difference in my current best friends are, and what my relationships used to be. i am very physically affectionate, and i enjoy it. i also became close to people fast, thanks to meeting them at college. the biggest change? my two best friends are a lesbian and an arospec who is also out of my age range, dating wise.

there is no room for romantic interpretation.

once none of my friends could be potential partners, it felt like a relief. i don’t have to figure out if they like me or not, and if i “like” them back. we can just be friends.

i don’t want people to have crushes on me. all of mine were deliberately chosen, and that is not the way i feel “romance” should be.

looking back, i have lost many good friendships to the pitfall that is dating. and why? i never have found anything more fulfilling than my close platonic friendships. romantic relationships were always just adding a degree of exclusivity i never could live up to, since i cared for my closest friend and partners in the exact same way.

what is romance? i truly do not know.

however, i do know some things:

i love my friends

i enjoy spending time with my friends

i do not need exclusivity to be valued

not attempting to date has led to my platonic relationships being more fulfilling and wonderful than they were when i constantly had to compare them with what the “line” between romance and friendship was.

of course, i don’t speak for everyone. you may relate to my experience, and be alloromantic. you may understand me, but think this is some sort of polyamorous “i’m in love will all my friends but am in denial because i know they won’t like me back.”

it doesn’t matter, because i know who i am. despite having a dating history, i identify with the label that allows me to describe myself as clearly as possible.

this post is getting long, i’m sure i’ll be back shortly!

all the best,

around a year ago, i had gotten into a relationship with a boy whom i cared for deeply. we both had “crushes” on each other around october of 2022. we shared a brief new years kiss, as friends. life moved on. he got a girlfriend. i thought i had a “crush” on my best friend.

then we were roommates for an overnight school choir trip. we did all of the “romantic” things that couples were supposed to do, all the while claiming it was a joke (clarifying point: his girlfriend was well aware of this. she said that i was her boyfriend’s boyfriend).

however, he felt neglected by his girlfriend during this trip, because she wanted to spend more time with her friend group them with him. he was one of two friends of mine, and so i was always around. i helped comfort him when he felt alone. i hung out with him 24/7, having fun during the day and cuddling in our hotel bed at night.

this trip lasted a total of 4 days. we got back on a sunday. that monday, he broke up with his girlfriend. he called me, and i went out at 11pm to be with him and help him through this breakup. despite him initiating it, he was also heartbroken and distraught.

the following two weeks, we had what i would call a “situationship”. we would cuddle, hold hands, talk, hang out constantly. what we couldn’t do? date. because it was moving on too soon.

eventually, we did start dating. we were the most obnoxious PDA couple my high school had ever seen. sitting on each others laps in the cafeteria, holding hands in choir, ect. i even promposed to him by bringing a door to school in the bed of my pickup truck, and asking him out in front of our class.

you may be thinking- how did such a picture perfect relationship fail? there are many awnsers to this question, but the big one? sex.

we hung out after school daily, and the more time that passed, the more comfortable he was with beginning sex and related activities.

to be clear: we never got far. we made out once. we only did it to see if it was better than i thought it would be, as i truly did not have interest. (it was not. spit. ew.) we did a little grinding here and there, and it felt okay. we would do it for a bit, eventually i would be overstimulated, and we would stop. i would immediately turn back to what we had been doing before, which i later learned hurt his feelings.

i do not find it impossible to have the physical feelings that come with sex.

what he taught me was that i lack emotional connection when it comes to sex. to be quite frank, i found his initiation to be disruptive. i just wanted to cuddle and watch a movie, why do we have to hump and suck necks??

when i told him that i thought i may be asexual, he cried. i had been feeling off, not sure what to say. he asked what was wrong, and when i told him, he cried. he asked many questions, such as “why can’t anything ever be simple? my ex only liked my body, now you come along and fulfill all my emotional needs, but aren’t interested? have you been lying when you called me attractive?”

i comforted him. he told me it was okay, we would figure it out. we broke up weeks later. two days before it happened he tweeted “i miss being sexualized by horny men online”. yeah.

my sexuality wasn’t the only reason for our breakup, but it was a large one. despite this, i did not feel truly comfortable calling myself asexual for months following.

after all, i knew what sexual pleasure felts like.

it took me until the following january to accept myself as asexual.

over winter break in college, i got grindr and met up with a 49 year old. he called himself “erik”, although i strongly doubt that is his real name.

we hooked up. i lied to him, pretended i wasn’t a virgin. the entire thing was so awkward. i told him no kissing or anything related to mouths from the start, as i knew i didn’t like it. he held to that, and we had sex. i got off, so did he, but honestly? not quite what it is cracked up to be.

i almost passed out like three times but i didn’t know what it was or wasn’t supposed to be.

something within me changed that night, as i finally understood the difference between feeling and attraction. i do not feel attraction to anyone sexually. not my ex, not the grindr hookup.

i began to identify as asexual.

i still do, but the way i described it then was “i want to keep my sex and romantic relationships separate. because i am not sexually attracted to my partner, it would feel weird to lead them on by having sex.”

now. i am aromantic. how did we get there? story for another day. perhaps later tonight. perhaps tommorow.

it took me years to figure out my asexual identity. there are so so many naysayers, and people who do not believe in it. in situations like that, it is harder to truly find yourself. but i did. and i am sure if you reading this are in a similar spot, you will as well, in due time.

all my love,