I knew I wanted to write something about pride month
But I didn't know what
I was forcing the words out
I don't know how long this will be, but I hope you bear with me
and maybe find what I say interesting or relatable or helpful
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About 4 years ago, during pride month, I had come out to my parents as transgender for the first time. Well, under the transgender umbrella.
I had come out as non-binary.
Two months earlier in April, I had come out to my sister. I forgot exactly how I did it or what I said, the memory had been locked out of my brain. I thought she would be accepting, we have gay friends and trans friends and she's fine with them. Those next two months was her constantly nagging me to tell my parents that I was non-binary, despite me not feeling safe telling them at all.
That night I came out to my mom, we were travelling. My sister had argued with her in the car ride home, it was 10 pm and we were all exhausted from our day, and it was storming outside. We get back to our hotel room and the tensions are high. Once again, my brain locked out the memories of exactly what happened. I remember there was a lot of yelling, and at some point, my sister had said it. She had said I was non-binary. I remember my mom being confused, and everyone was sobbing, and then she hugged me...
Everyone was yelling, I was outed by my sister, and then suddenly it was silent and my mom had hugged me...
We didn't talk about it after that. We all went to bed. The only thing we said about it the next day was agreeing that none of us would tell our dad.
After that day, I'm pretty sure my mom forgot I had come out as non-binary. Or maybe it was all in the back of her head, she just ignored it. After that day, I never trusted my sister again.
She acted like she accepted me... but then she outed me when I told her hundreds of times not to.
After that day I continued to explore my gender. I tried all the pronoun sets, even neopronouns. I settled on demi-boy for a few months, but my friends were able to tell what I was doing, and in the back of my mind I also knew.
As much as I tried to push away those feelings, delay telling anyone or even admitting it to myself, I was a boy. All those months I spent gaslighting myself into being anything but a transgender man.
Stupidly, I had told my sister. It was nearly a year after I came out as non-binary to her. We were talking about it in a class we shared, and one of my non-binary friends was there. Once again I thought my sister would accept me. She was find with our other transgender friends, why not me?
She looked me in the eyes and said, "You're not a boy. You're my sister, and I know you, and I know you're not a boy." I couldn't look back at her. I had to reject the many tears welling in my eyes. My sister doesn't even remember saying this.
To this day my sister still thinks she's an ally, but she never called me my chosen name, even if other people around her were calling me my chosen name, she would still use my birth name. I never heard her use he/him pronouns on me, only ever they/them sometimes. I guess that was good enough.
And she still calls herself an ally.
This pride month, I'm no longer talking to my sister. We haven't talked in months. Yet I still think about these memories, how in her eyes she never did anything wrong.
She was an ally, to everyone but me, her sister brother.
Deep down I still don't feel 100% like a man. Maybe it's because of what my sister did, and my parents never really accepting me either.
Any joy out of being transgender gets sucked out with these memories lingering in my mind.
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My coming out story was not a pretty one, nor is most people's.
Most gay people don't get the privilege of accepting families.
Ally's that think they're accepting, until it's their own blood.
If you have LGBTQ friends, this pride month and for the rest of the years to come.
Dont take away their joy.
The joy of a 14 year old discovering that not being a girl is an option, and is ecstatic to test that out.
The joy of a 15 year old making a non-binary DND character for the first time.
The joy of a 16 year old getting to wear a suit and tie for their theater production, and for the first time, not look like a girl.
The joy of an 18 year old getting to cut their hair, go on testosterone, and become the man that their parents would never recognize.
Be here, be queer, and never fear your LGBTQ peers.
I hope someone found some sort of comfort in my coming out story, that not everything is always perfect.
You are loved, if by no one else, by me.
