I show up to ALL the battles I'm certain to lose

Heard the quaker oats guy is running a fuck a fan contest!

Im craving... $000,000

Check your Venmo :)🤭

STOPPP YOU DIDNT

Yes, your dentist can absolutely tell if you masturbated at home before your appointment. And in fact, a shower and change of clothes does little to hide this. The best step forward is to apologize to your dentist for masturbating.

- mockup of results from my new search engine called "Google OCD"

pop health science is so annoying bc it'll be like "did you know? eating strawberries will give you mega cancer" and you're like pfft whatever begone influencer. but sometimes then you'll see a reasonably credible article like "Study Shows Possible Link Between Strawberries and Mega Cancer" and you're not usually the type to follow that kind of thing religiously but idk maybe you should consider not eating strawberries? but then there's another article saying "Strawberry/Mega Cancer Study Debunked" and it turns out the original study had a sample size of 3 and was funded by Big Blueberry, and strawberries may have a small connection to mega cancer but only if you are genetically predisposed to mega cancer and eat 50 strawberries every day. so you return to your strawberry eating life. but whenever you eat strawberries in public someone tells you about the mega cancer.

your mom is a baked potato your dad's dumb ass is asparagus and you are a god damn green bean

I mostly post the good things about having a kid but god damn this fucking sucks he won’t stop crying and begging for the fart gun from despicable me because he saw it at the store and now saw it on the movie. I’m going insane but I understand he’s very emotional right now. Still though why are kids so annoying sometimes, he’s not normally like this with random shit he sees at the store.

a masterlock? bro you are practically free-use

*kicking my feet n giggling* you're kinda scary

alright I'm almost finished Project Hail Mary, and I have to say, I don't get why people are shipping the guy with Markiplier when he's already in a perfectly healthy queer-platonic relationship with the alien spider made of rocks

Mah…. help me… anywone… i can’t see… i need my bankie…..*tears well up in Sippy’s blank eyes.*

Hi my name is spongebob squarepants

Spogebob?? *Sippy sniffles* Dis better not be another prank… … I need help finding my bankie… i cant find it and i was born blind… can you help me?

What are you doing in this abandoned water treatment plant

i feel a profound sadness within me...... sex horror sex bat sex horror sex vampire sex bat horror vampire sex