The M Word - a blog by Mallory Taylor

31st March, 2021.

I started writing this post on 19th February and it’s taken me until now to revisit it. And everything I wrote just wasn’t quite right.

The reason for that is I like to write when I’m going through something, while the pain, desire to be better, and the lessons are fresh - literally, while I’m moving through it. I write to organise my thoughts and to gain further clarity on my conditioning and state of mind when I read it back a few days or weeks later, and also to provide insight into my train of thought in the hope that it will give others who relate a sense of relief; that they’re not alone in how they feel whilst going through something similar. It’s a self growth tool I like to employ, but sometimes it doesn’t always work because I can get too caught in the pain and the desire to grow escapes me. So I stop writing.

What I was originally writing about detailed a recent period of about a month where I was stuck in a habit of waking up, playing video games, napping and eating, rarely moving from the couch, then going to bed with an overwhelming sense of disappointment. My self worth had taken a hit, and these new habits had me wondering where my productivity, energy and zest for life had disappeared to. Every night, it was, “Okay, I’ll be productive tomorrow”, and I’d create a mental action list before I hit the pillow. And every morning I’d wake up and head straight to the couch, telling myself I’d only play video games for an hour, “then I’ll be productive”. I’ll let you guess how that turned out.

I felt horrible about my situation, knowing I put myself there. All the choices I’d made up until that point had culminated in my self imposed isolation. It wasn’t until difficult conversations around my financial and emotional states couldn’t be avoided that I knew I had to take action. My low self worth and apathy toward changing my situation had started to affect others, so I couldn’t ignore the way I felt any more. I had to ask for help.

I’ve reflected on my struggle to ask for help before, having felt that my emotional needs not being met as child meant that I wasn’t important enough or worthy of help, or that I was burdensome for advocating for myself. I learned to be resourceful and asking for help didn’t fit into my learned independence. I’m getting much better at it, so I’m proud of the fact that I could muster the courage to text the group chat and ask my girlfriends if anyone was free for a phone call, as I was having a hard time. And even as I hit send on that message I was immediately flooded with doubts.

“You’ll be left on read. No one’s going to reply.” “Everyone is too busy with their own shit to help you with yours.” “These women are mothers, business owners and entrepreneurs! And you want to bother them because you can’t stop playing video games? Grow up.” “They’re rolling their eyes and laughing at you. Stop being such a loser!”

Conditioning and limiting beliefs can be powerful. This is the subconscious mind at play here. These thoughts stem from a belief that my authenticity isn’t enough to be accepted. Except I know that I am exactly who I am meant to be, and that has always been good enough. Consciously, I know this, but the conscious mind isn’t what’s running the show - our subconscious is. So this hidden script, this belief that my cells have embodied to be “true” is what’s in the driver’s seat. And the way we change that script is by showing ourselves through action that there is another way; by proving the belief wrong.

As a kid I had to learn how to soothe myself when I was emotional because not only was emotional literacy never modelled for me, I felt that it wasn’t safe to express my emotions around my family. So if I didn’t bottle them up, I learned other ways to express them - some healthy (music, sports, art), and others not so much. My desire to be accepted turned me into a people pleaser, eager to dissolve any part of my personality that could be deemed “bothersome” or “disappointing” just so I would be liked and included. But my lack of emotional regulation made me volatile and my inability to express myself made me depressed. The first thing that made me realise I could change this idea that I absolutely had to be independent at all costs came when I made some friends who truly accepted me as I was. They made it safe for me to open up because they valued authenticity and communication. And it was really hard for me at first - warmth and a desire to listen were not the usual responses to my crying or frustration, so it felt alien and scary. I didn’t have a handle on my emotions so they were extreme and explosive at times. But they held me in that space, and they listened to me without judgement. They asked me questions that helped me explore the way I was feeling and didn’t leave when I got too “difficult”. They allowed the emotional charge within my cells to diffuse in a controlled way, enough to give me a glimpse of what it would be like to be totally held and safe in all my sadness and rage. These friends made it safe for me to be. And the more I open up to these friends the more they show me, time and time again, that it’s okay to be exactly who I am. That I am whole, and loved, and respected, and wonderful - exactly as I am.

It wasn’t easy for me to ask for help that day. The voice in my head telling me to delete the message and figure this problem out for myself was pretty loud, but my desire to move through and transform this belief was stronger. And I’m so glad I asked. I received the quality time from loved ones that I wouldn’t have been able to give myself, alone in my shame hole.

17th February, 2021.

I’m realising now, more and more as I get older, the only thing holding me back from anything in my life is my ability to accept myself. I understand the concept of self acceptance but putting it into practice is another thing. And that’s exactly what it is - a practice. It’s the small daily habits, positive self talk, emotional vulnerability and communication... Things I am still working on. Not to mention the conditioning I have that tells me to put others feelings and comfort above my own. I have spent years sheltering others from my “burdensome” emotions that acceptance of them as anything other than “wrong” is a hurdle I’m still trying to jump.

I feel so much expectation. From myself, from society, from my conditioning. I am only useful, wanted, needed if I am productive and achieving something. This idea that my worth is predicated by my output and my ability to remain calm and partial cripples my self-esteem - who am I if I’m not doing, being, achieving? Who am I if I’m not able to do things with a logical, rational, calm head screwed onto my shoulders? My ability to accept myself, good and bad, high and low, exactly as I am, determines how successful I am - regardless of what success looks and feels like to others.

I must lean in to self acceptance. Like, lean in so far I may as well be lying down.

The reason being is that I’m 31 years old, and today I spent the day watching Netflix, playing video games, and crying on the couch about the choices I’ve made that have landed me here. A loser, a victim of her life and circumstance, paralysed by fear. I mean, that’s a bit dramatic but that’s where my thoughts go sometimes. Today I just struggled to envision my future because I’m lacking clarity on the direction of my life. I don’t know where my sense of purpose comes from without working a full time job; without having a socially acceptable identity to cling to, a label for people to tell me how much they should respect me. For that, I point to my workaholic father and the capitalism we are subjected to.

And all my low moments - that is, all the moments where I’m not calm and happy - are the times I feel most vulnerable. I’ve never been shy about sharing my perspective on the childhood events and happenings that shaped me, and it’s no secret that emotional expression didn’t feel safe for me. I learned very early on that others needs were more important than my own. Anger especially is an emotion I’m focused on regulating right now, so that’s a huge one. I’m learning how to express myself concisely and authentically, a dance I’m still kind of fumbling over. For that, I point to my mother for not being more emotionally literate herself (although I cannot blame her, she didn’t choose her childhood).

With that being said, it’s my responsibility to get myself out of this state. This privileged, hardly surviving but not really thriving, state. And therein lies the expectation that weighs on me. Conditioning aside most of this is my own doing. I have to take responsibility for the choices I’ve made, regardless of how my experiences were framed. However I can’t shake this feeling that by now I should have achieved something. It’s not marriage or a relationship, because I’m happily in relationship with my best friend and marriage isn’t something that interests me. But my purpose, my work... what does that look like for me? What do I want? Why can’t I figure it out?

At the core of it I know self acceptance is the fuel that will get this engine running. To be able to accept myself and know that I am worthy of happiness, love, respect and success, even during my most emotional moments, will change the game. I’ve noticed when I’m feeling depressy and need that extra bit of connection I push others away. I prioritise their comfort over my own. I do anything and everything I can to pre-empt my being a burden to them with my feelings and tell them to go back to whatever they were doing, or I minimise my upset. What a pattern to get into - imagine asking for help then doing everything you can to prevent yourself from receiving it.

The irony with self acceptance is that it must comes from the self. Everyone knows self esteem doesn’t increase via input from outside sources. Recently I’ve become painfully aware of my desire for acceptance from someone who doesn’t even like me. The fear of rejection has kept me in the same small spot for years and it’s honestly exhausting. I’ve truly had enough. Letting go of this relationship is the precursor to more self acceptance for me, so this is the current challenge. I’ve had enough of talking about it, of feeling about it. Whatever I’ve made this relationship mean needs an overhaul, because it’s clearly not serving me and it keeps me stuck in a childlike emotional state. That’s what conditioning does, it’s keeps you stuck. Well, time to move on. I’m not a tree, I’m not stuck.

Each Wednesday on my IG I host a hotspot coaching and advice series - you submit the questions, I give you the answers on anything spirituality, confidence, self worth and MORE!

This week’s question was about go to’s to help you move through limiting beliefs and I loved this topic so much I decided to put it into blog post form.

So here are my tips!

1. Awareness. Being able to identify the belief as you are living it is crucial to change. A limiting belief is exactly that, a limitation that we have either acquired consciously or unconsciously, that we choose to subscribe to as the truth. So being able to objectively notice your thoughts and feelings as they arise, almost like a third party witness, and asking yourself why you feel this way is and putting the belief into words is a massive first step. We need to be able to articulate the belief before we can change it. Once you've identified the belief, you can determine whether or not it is serving your highest good. A great way to look at this is to examine the results that belief has afforded you. Are you enjoying the results of that belief? Or does it need a bit of work?

2. Flip the script and create your new mantra. So because a limiting belief is a limitation we have chosen to subscribe to as the truth, we also get a choice in whether or not we want to entertain that belief. Flip the script on the belief - literally sound out the OPPOSITE of that belief and make it your new mantra. If, for example, you're struggling with low self worth, one of your beliefs may be something like "I'm unloveable". That was a belief I had for a LONG time. The opposite to that belief is "I am loveable". Mantra's are so powerful because you are training your brain to accept a new paradigm, you are stretching your mind to new capabilities. The subconscious mind is run by these hidden scripts that dictate the way we behave. If we are able to re-write that script and create a narrative that is more supportive and empowering, and the mind and body hears it consistently, the subconscious will have no choice but to accept the new code we've written for it. So once you've identified the belief, you can get to work on writing a new, more empowering belief that you can then practice as a mantra.

3. Search for the social proof to support your new mantra. Every belief we have is like a table top. And the references in our lives, the experiences we have that support our beliefs, are the table legs. So with your new mantra in your arsenal, you now have to go out and find the table legs to support it. Going back to the previous example, if your new mantra is "I am loveable", then find the relationships where you feel nourished and supported. Go out there and experience the mantra - explore what it looks and feels like to be loveable for you. Because experience, and the emotional connections we make with that experience, is what will bolster the belief. Emotional connections are what make a belief so sticky. So choose to look for evidence supporting your new belief and really dive in to the emotion of that new empowering mantra. The stronger the emotional connection, the stronger the belief.

4. Practice. Be consistent with this. You'll find as you work to change a limiting belief that you'll circle back through points 1, 2 and 3. There will be times when you get stuck in old patterns, or maybe the new mantra doesn't quite feeeeeel good in your body yet. Maybe you feel a bit silly repeating it. Maybe you get caught in an experience that triggers you and bolsters the old belief. These are the times where awareness is crucial - catch the belief in it's track, flip the script, choose your new mantra, and actively search for the proof to support that new belief. It takes practice as we are undoing years of conditioning, a lot of it from childhood. The subconscious is a powerful part of the brain, but it isn't infallible. You can train your mindset like a muscle. And just like exercising, it requires consistency to see results.

5. Forgive and be kind to yourself. As you move through the old belief, you might find yourself feeling ridiculous for having subscribed to it for so long. Shame and guilt might come up for you, and it may be tempting to beat yourself up for being stuck in an old pattern. It's OKAY. It served you well for a time of your life. But you're now in control and can choose a new belief to support the new paradigm you wish to create for yourself. Take the time to thank the old belief for it's service to you, and wish it well on it's way out because you're making room now to serve your highest good in more expansive ways. It really did protect and serve you at one point in your life, so it's easy to beat yourself up over old patterns. But you're a powerful, capable human. Be compassionate with yourself. Give yourself time to grieve if you need to. You're chipping away at something that was once a part of your identity. Like everything good in life, rewriting limiting beliefs takes a lot longer than we think. So give yourself the time and space to move through this as lovingly as possible.

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If you’d like me to answer your coaching or advice questions, visit my IG @malloryjadetaylor on Sunday’s and Monday’s and submit your Q’s to my stories.

29th October, 2020.

I've been asked how to be confident, and truthfully I feel like I'm only JUST figuring it out.

I was NOT a confident kid when I was younger. I got bullied a lot, I was an easy target. I would react and stand up for myself and, as we know, bullies love a reaction so it gave them another reason to push me to my limits.

Sure I stood up for myself, but I was NOT confident. I would just push back, so they'd get crueller. (really they couldn't keep me down, suckers!)

And I've recently started to wonder what "confidence" means and where it comes from.

If I couldn't describe myself as a confident kid, I would have described myself as PASSIONATE. Regardless of the bullying, I was not ashamed of the things that I enjoyed.

I sang a lot. I read books alone in the playground. I was proud to show my teachers my short stories because I wanted the feedback to improve. I was never afraid to be passionate about my desires, and I always spoke up for myself and my truth.

Now this might sound a bit "ya duhhh", but I noticed as I grew up that when I wasn't doing what *I* enjoyed, I was MISERABLE. And it makes me question - why are SO MANY adults still stuck in this rut?

As we get older, that inner ability to trust our truth and voice it gets choked out by other peoples opinions. Our desires get bullied into submission and placed behind other peoples needs and expectations.

Why do we let other peoples opinions dictate how we live our lives?

Why do we allow other people to enforce their values, expectations, and obligations on to us?

Why don't we prioritise our joy and happiness like we used to when we were kids?

There's so much shame and guilt around living authentically.

And there's so much JUDGEMENT when we see people going after their desires and achieving their goals! Tall poppy syndrome is a BITCH and it needs to stop!

We get triggered when we see others living according to their values and expressing themselves authentically because we've spent SO MUCH of our lives being conditioned to believe who *we* are is not enough or okay. So of course someone out there living their dreams pisses us off. We're crabs in a bucket, dragging those who try to escape back down towards the group. And it's fucking SAD. We never give ourselves permission to *search* for our truth, let alone live it.

Confidence comes from living according to YOUR values, no one elses.

Confidence comes from speaking YOUR truth, regardless of who disagrees.

Confidence comes from prioritising YOUR joy and happiness, and not living according to the needs of others.

25th October 2020.

What does the word suffering mean? When I looked it up in the dictionary, I got a few different definitions.

“The condition of one who suffers.”

“An instance of pain and distress.”

“The bearing of pain, inconvenience, or loss.”

Based on those definitions alone I think it’s safe to say we’ve all experienced suffering at one point in our lives. We could even be suffering now - I know for me, living in Melbourne, suffering is a much talked about topic and everyone has a totally different and individual experience to convey.

In the context of mental wellness, I think suffering is a really interesting topic to ponder.

There are two truths that I believe are guaranteed about suffering.

1) suffering is inevitable, and 2) suffering is a choice.

If feels contradictory but I think these two truths are actually complimentary in nature.

One thing I find interesting about suffering is that it often manifests itself as a mental and emotional affliction - sure we can be physically in pain, but when I think of suffering I think less of things like injuries, which can be acute and are fairly simple to overcome. I think of suffering in the 21st century as things like ruminating over a situation or interaction over and over again, replaying the same scene thinking about all the things you can have said or done differently in the moment. It’s things like mulling over a heart break, it’s the embarrassing moments that get seared into your brain, ready for reliving every night just as your about to fall asleep. In my opinion, it’s human nature to wonder, “What if?” because as a species we’re wired to hope for better. We’re driven by love, acceptance and belonging so when things don’t go to plan we can get stuck in a trap of letting the wheel spin over and over in the same spot. It doesn’t get us anywhere and only serves to hurt us further, keeping us trapped in a moment in time reliving something that we cannot change.

It’s the meaning we assign to things that causes us to mentally and emotionally suffer. Nothing is permanent yet we suffer when we are afflicted with things like loss and heartbreak. They may not cause us physical pain, but the mental and emotional effects of such events can last well after the event has occurred.

I suffered a lot as a child. I was bullied a lot, I felt neglected at home, I struggled to communicate my emotions and felt rejected and unloved. I had this yucky story about having to earn love, like I wasn’t worthy of it just for being me. So I suffered with having to feel like I needed to put on a facade or change who I was in order to be accepted. I was diagnosed with depression at age 12 and took anti-depressants for years, so I suffered with that. I had eating disorders for nearly two decades, so my relationship with my body and with food and exercise suffered a lot. I felt forgotten in my family, I punished myself for things that weren’t my fault, and I felt a lot of pain and anxiety as a kid that translated to my story as an adult. None of my physical injuries as a kid affected me long term growing up, but the meaning I assigned to the events that hurt me mentally and emotionally created the beliefs and stories I subscribed to as a kid and as an adult.

One thing I think is important to remember when talking about suffering is that pain is relative. No one has authority to tell someone that what they’re enduring is worthy of suffering, only the individual gets to decide that. I grew up an angry, sad, confused and heart broken kid, but in the eyes of another person, I had a family of four older siblings and two parents who loved me, I had a roof over my head, I went to a nice school. I had a hot meal to eat every night and I had a comfy bed to sleep in. If suffering is a mostly mental and emotional affliction, it’s handy to remember that regardless of outward appearances everyone has endured different degrees of suffering. We have all been through something that has changed us.

Which brings me to the first truth.

Suffering is inevitable.

We’re always going to find situations, events, people, things that make us hurt. To me, it’s human nature to be kind and loving. If we’re open to love, and it is our human nature to love and be loved, then it’s also in our nature to be hurt and to suffer. We’re compassionate and kind by nature and we hope for the best for each other and ourselves. Of course we’re going to suffer, we’re constantly aiming high when it comes to our experience of life, and as we know life doesn’t always deliver exactly what we expect.

I believe only those who are hurting hurt other people. It doesn’t feel good to hurt another person, unless we’re already suffering in some way. To me, the term “hurt people hurt people” tells us we need to be more compassionate and less judgemental. If we knew the pain others were suffering we may not be so quick to persecute or condemn. Perhaps we’d be more inclined to understand. We all live such unique and different experiences, but our nature is to love and be loved. That however opens us up to the vulnerability of heart break and rejection. It’s the duality of life - where there is pleasure, there is pain. Where the is a win, there is a lesson. Where there is rain there is a rainbow. We’re a pleasure seeking species so, as the balance of life dictates, as above so below, where we seek pleasure we also seek suffering. It’s a part of the human condition.

I mentioned before that the meaning that we assign to things is what ends up causing us mental and emotional suffering. We experience something, we decide what that experience means for us, and then we continue living our lives with another lens through which to view our world. A lot of the time it’s the stories we write for ourselves that determine how much or how long we suffer.

So if the first truth is “suffering is inevitable” and the second is “suffering is a choice’, how is it that they’re complimentary?

Well yes, we all experience mental and emotional anguish at some point of our lives, it’s absolutely unavoidable. That anguish however can either be used to write an empowering story, or a disempowering one. This is the meaning that we assign to events and, even though it may not seem like it at the time, we always have a choice in how we suffer. We get to choose the meaning we assign.

I was diagnosed with depression when I twelve years of age. That’s a young age to be battling a mental illness. That diagnosis changed the way I viewed myself, it added another lens to the way in which I processed and viewed my world. My story for a long time was that I was broken and unworthy of love. My mental illness diagnosis was the foundation to that story, it was the proof that supported that belief. There was nothing physically wrong about me, I was just a little kid who wanted more than my parents could give me. But the fact that my mother took me to the doctor, who then told us that I had ABC diagnosis and that these pills were the “fix”. told me that Mallory = Broken. My belief that I was unlovable just the way I was, was emboldened by that event. And I suffered for decades after that because the meaning I assigned to that event was that I was a burden to my mother. That’s heavy for any kid to suffer. As an adult, this belief manifested itself in many ways. I suffered relationships that didn’t work out due to my lack of self worth, I suffered estrangement from my mother and siblings, I suffered despair and loneliness like you wouldn’t believe, and I suffered a relationship with myself that was without love and acceptance (all the things I outwardly craved the most). The meaning I assigned to the doctor’s visit that day built a wall around my heart that prevented anything that didn’t support the “Broken Mallory” narrative from coming in.

That started at age 12. I’m 31 now. And every now and then you just get tired of your own shit. Can anyone relate to this?

I got tired of suffering that belief.

I got tired of seeing others out there living their lives to the max while I felt weighed down by this bullshit story that kept me suffering and in pain for so long.

I couldn't choose my parents. I couldn’t choose the way they decided to love me. The one thing I could choose, however, was the story. I could choose to assign a different meaning to the things that hurt me as a kid. I could choose to look at the belief that I’m broken and unlovable, and say “This isn’t working for you any more, Mallory. Time to switch it up”.

Perspective is helpful when it comes to choosing what you suffer. Delicately balancing the validation and acknowledgement of your pain, and looking outside of your bubble for examples where there is hope to be gained is a necessary life skill I believe. It takes a lot of practice, especially if you’re like me and never felt like your pain was valid or worthy of acknowledgement. It helps to know that yes you’ve got it bad, but you’ve also got it pretty good, to shift the way you view things.

For me, that looked like deciding that my mum was taking me to the doctor because she loved and cared about me, and wanted the best for me. She did the best with what she knew. Viewing the event through that lens changed everything about the meaning I had assigned to that day. I wasn’t a burden she didn’t know how to deal with, she was caring for me the best way she knew how.

So yes, in the context of mental wellness suffering is inevitable, but it’s also most definitely a choice. It’s choosing to enjoy all the fruits whilst being okay with some weeds, and not letting the weeds overcome our gardens.

We can choose to see things through a different lens.

For me, the broken and unlovable story become a story about the power of emotional vulnerability, and how opening yourself up to the world only encourages the world to meet you half way. You only get out what you put in, and if choosing to stay stuck in your pain only encourages more pain, then it’s up to us to choose a different meaning for ourselves.

So how do you do that? How do you choose another meaning? When I’m experiencing some sort of mental or emotional pain, I ask myself “What do you need right now in this moment?” and give myself permission to do what’s most soothing and enjoyable in order for me to lift my spirits. So the first step is acknowledging the pain, giving yourself permission to feel it without judgement, then getting back to equilibrium. Then when I’m feeling more grounded, I can examine my emotions to look for the story underneath it, to find the meaning I have assigned to the event that created the belief.

Once you get to the root of the belief, you can explore other ways of viewing the event. Remember compassion and kindness is our human nature, so where can we bring this lens into view?

This is the sort of stuff that working with a coach can be greatly assisted by. It takes practice to dive into our pain and reinterpret what it means for us, and having someone to guide you through the work to begin with, before it becomes habitual, can get you off on the right foot.

Viktor Frankl, the holocaust survivor and author of Man’s Search For Meaning, says, “This is the core of the human spirit. If we can find something to live for - if we can find some meaning to put at the centre of our lives - even the worse kind of suffering becomes bearable”.

So with that in mind, I have three questions for you to ponder. Preferably while you’re journaling on the scenarios or people you’re suffering over.

28th August, 2020.

One of the best things about personal development is knowing that you know nothing. The more you learn, about yourself and the world, the more you realise you truly don’t know anything at all. In my mentor group I made a statement about how we’re like onions and have many layers (thanks Shrek) and nobody really liked that analogy - onions are smelly and some people are allergic to them. Okay, understandable; the next best analogy we chose was a mandarin. Many pieces to the whole. The deeper you go with personal development, the more layers or pieces you uncover. And it all happens in good time; the lessons we learn and the people we meet come into our reality exactly when we need them to. You know, divine timing. Well right now I’m peeling back another layer. I’ve uncovered another piece.

Recently I’ve been learning about forgiveness, and practising letting go of resentment. It’s a deeply uncomfortable practice... it feels so raw, vulnerable and honestly yucky. I feel like this is a missing piece for me in terms of growth though. More of a catalyst perhaps.

During a recent energy reading with a mentor of mine (the same mentor teaching me about this work), one of the messages that came through for me was to keep “clearing the rod’ - a lot of what’s holding me back now is just stories. At the time I was like, ‘yep okay, got it!’ but a part of me at the same time was like ‘what does that meaaannnnn????’. I needed more info. Well, doing forgiveness work has shown me exactly what clearing the rod is - letting go of the guilt, shame and resentment we store in our bodies to allow space for something new and better.

Duh. It makes sense now, right?!

How can you manifest and call in your greatest and highest good when all your cells know is guilt, shame and resentment? We store these emotions in our bodies and if we don’t release them, the chemical signatures they create take up unnecessary space; space we could be filling with more love, faith, kindness, and non-attachment.

When I meditate with the “clearing the rod” statement in mind, I visualise myself as The Universe. I am a faceless, bodiless entity floating about in the void of space. I can see the stars, distant galaxies, planets, suns, nebulae; everything ever created. And I see a giant perspex-like cylindrical rod, glowing with the rainbow of chakras within it, being cleared by a cosmic bottle brush made out of pure white light. It’s right in the centre of my being. It’s clearing the fog within it with every sweep, allowing my chakras to spin, dance, and shine even brighter. It’s a pretty awesome visualisation if I’m honest.

Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean forgiving people who have wronged you. I mean, that is a part of it but it’s more about accepting full responsibility for your part in things. It’s forgiving yourself for holding on to those emotions for so long. It’s allowing yourself to release the hurt that keeps you feeling stuck and icky. The things I’m still struggling with, such as self acceptance, judgement, unreasonably high expectations and my fear of stepping into my power, I’ve learned all stem from those three emotions of guilt, shame and resentment. And I am not those emotions. They just keep their charge in my body. So I’m working towards releasing that and...

Boy oh boy.

You need to understand this is not work for the faint of heart. Being able to look at the things or people from your past that have hurt you, in great or small or ways, including yourself and taking full responsibility for your part is tough. It requires intense and thoughtful yet compassionate self examination. It’s getting really honest with yourself and seeing how you, yourself have held you back more than anything or anyone. And it’s painful - rehashing old stories and opening old wounds can be so overwhelming. But it’s necessary. You have to go through it to get through it. There is no other way, there’s no “getting over” it - you have to go through it.

So you go through it.

During my meditation tonight I felt inspired to chat with my inner child. I set my intention, lit a candle, picked two crystals to hold and focus on, and settled onto my pillow. A few breaths in, I asked the question - “how are you feeling?” My little lady was so restless. She seemed angry, and wanted to cry and be held, so I embraced her and let her sob on my chest. I told her how strong she is. She can get through anything if she so chooses. And as the meditation went on, I felt myself being drawn to the image of a certain person in my life. They kept appearing in front of me, behind my inner child as we hugged. As my attention moved, I found myself asking what it is that I felt in that moment, and what it was that I needed, now that this person was in front of me.

We both sat down and I allowed myself to tell them everything I wanted to say. How I felt like all the pain, suspicion, resentment and anger I feel when I think of them has perhaps prevented me from allowing any other possibility for our relationship. That I don’t accept myself because I am seeking approval from them the most. And that I abandon myself when it comes to honouring my feelings around and about them for fear of being rejected. I apologised for letting my anger and resentment get in the way of us having a closer and more meaningful relationship, and apologised to myself for holding on to that pain for so long. I cried, tears fell down my cheeks and I could see us hugging. The person I was thinking about, the person from which I long for acceptance and affection the most, was now hugging me in my meditation.

My body shifted energetically as I opened my eyes. Something had moved within me.

I may not have had the opportunity to say those words to this person yet but in that meditation I felt part of the weight that has been keeping me stuck lift off. The forgiveness work isn’t done but tonight it felt really good. It’s like taking off wet jeans - instant relief, but you’re still a bit icky and need to take a shower. There’s more I want to say, to apologise for and take ownership of. This was a powerful step towards overcoming my fear of being rejected by them, and I have some great writing prompts to help me explore what feeling accepted by them would feel and look like. So I know this wound needs a little more poking, and the forgiveness to go a little deeper.

31st July 2020.

I realised during my meditation this morning that I have been holding myself back by putting unnecessary pressure on myself to fulfil what I believe I should be, and not just allowing myself TO be.

I want to be an entrepreneur and write and speak and share my experience as this third density being, acting as a conduit for spirit’s advice, thoughts and wisdom, but I keep telling myself I need to be this and do that in order to achieve this state of freedom I so desperately desire.

That pressure, I know, is preventing me, blocking me from being the conduit I so desire to be.

I’m learning every day to listen to my intuition (spirit’s guidance) and to let go of how I think things should be. I’ve said it before, I hate the word “should”. It implies there is a correct and an incorrect way to be, but that’s not true at all.

My advice to myself today - stop thinking about what it should look like, and just start living it, regardless of how messy and unconventional and surprising it becomes. Your expectations of how it SHOULD look are limiting the possibilities of how it COULD look. Delete the word “should” from your vocabulary.

I want to write and share my higher self wisdom as it comes through to me, and live my life in this human body as my higher self would. I am not a human being experiencing the universe, I am the universe having a human experience, and I want to channel that experience into my work. Connection to spirit is becoming more of a priority for me these days as it’s how I feel truly free.

I have been trying to meditate a certain way. Pray a certain way. Work a certain way. And I believe all that pressure I am putting on myself is limiting the possibilities for success - and I am learning there is no one true path. I’m trying to funnel the “how” through my human lens and it’s preventing any other “how” from filtering through.

I guess that’s why trusting my intuition has been such a lesson and a practice. I realise the pressure and expectations I am setting for myself are effectively silencing my intuition because my human mind wants my life to be a certain way. But my intuition knows better and I keep trying to apply my logical reason to something that cannot be reasoned with, only trusted. My mind is trying to dictate to my spirit how things should go, when it is in fact the other way around. Spirit knows best, she sees every possibility from every time line. My job is to trust her and work on raising my vibrational frequency so that I can increase my chances of manifesting those possibilities into my reality.

This week I have been suffering and I know suffering is a choice. So why do I choose to suffer? Because I chose to filter my desires through a specific, small, finite funnel that only allowed for one outcome, only because I didn’t listen to my intuition.

I wrote a whole blog post last night that I wanted to sleep on and edit in the morning, but when I checked my computer just now the post has disappeared.

Disappointing. I digress.

I’m pissed off. And confused. There’s so much conflicting information out there. I’m so disappointed, horrified and in disbelief over what’s happening in our world right now.

I’ve spent the past week reading and exploring. There’s so much... shit going on. And I feel emotionally depleted, I can’t go on any of my socials any more without being confronted with some new fact, fake news, conspiracy theory, or some sort of discourse and “debate” (which really is two or more people hating on each other for simply having a different point of view, there’s no debate).

I don’t know who or what to believe. And isn’t that the mainstream media’s goal? To confuse and divide with endless streams of information, all designed to polarise and counter claim. MSM is owned by a few select individuals and the conglomerates they run, so the narrative is fed to us and we gobble it up. I’m ANGRY that it’s up to the people now to discern the truth, and even then we get so caught up in our truths that all healthy discussion goes out the window.

We don’t debate any more, we argue with the intention of convincing the other to “join our side”. We’re so divided.

Fair doesn’t exists.

Is that statement true? Where does it sit in my body? In your body?

We are all one.

What about that statement?

We’re pitted against each other at the behest of the 1% that “own” us. I do believe psychological warfare is rampant right now - the narratives being fed to us aim to disarm and bewilder. There’s a lot of us waking up now though, and I haven’t fully come to terms with that term either. Waking up. Woke. What does that even mean? Woke to what? Which narrative?

Everything that I’ve consumed the past few days has me questioning the reality I’m living in. Is this real? Can this possibly be real? “Masks work”, “masks don’t work”, “first it’s a mandatory mask, then it’s a mandatory vaccine”, “Trump is our saviour”, “deep state”, “adrenochrome”, “child sex trafficking”, “Satanic ritualistic cults run by the secret elite”, “celebrities selling their souls”, “the veil being lifted”... All of this as another truth to be consumed. It’s so far fetched, but is it real?

What the fuck do we believe? What do I believe?

We’re in a pandemic right now. And we’re so divided. The information available is changing and evolving as we become more aware of what this virus is really doing, but there’s so much HATE for personal choice. We’re all learning our way through this. But where’s the unity? Where’s the thought for our fellow human? Asians were ridiculed, Muslims were vilified for covering their faces but now that it’s for “the health of the nation” it’s okay? Have we forgotten how we treated those groups before the pandemic started?

I keep seeing my mentors speak about their truth with an open heart, with love in mind. Coming from a place of love, that’s the objective. Feeling what feels right to them in their body.

Where does any of this sit for you? What feels good to you in this moment?

For me...

I’ve typed many sentences here only to deleted them because really, what I thought felt good and felt like my truth.. overwhelms me.

I don’t want to wear a mask. I am worried about the control being exerted over the population. We saw it with the Patriot Act after 9/11 in the USA. But I do worry about others becoming ill - this virus seems to be very real, regardless of how common it is and the death rates versus the common flu. People are still being affected by it. So I’ll wear a mask in crowded areas. But I’m uneasy about it.

As for child sex trafficking... The evidence seems too damning. But holy fuck, satanic rituals? The whole adrenochrome thing? It’s so out of this world, I’m struggling to believe it.

What I do know is that we’ve been desensitised to violence and murder from almost the moment we’re born. The media we consume, the games we play, the movies we watch show graphic depictions of trauma and torture and death and we don’t even flinch when we watch it any more. It’s SO normal to us as a society. All this hate and divide, “us versus them” rhetoric is amplified today. It keeps us arguing and fighting, when instead we should be focusing on taking care of ourselves and our fellow humans. Regardless of what political party you align with, we are all the same and we are indeed all in this together. The system is rigged and it is, as maddening and it seems, up to the people to take control of the narrative.

I don’t have any answers other than to echo the sentiments of my mentors - come from a place of love and understanding and curiosity. For me personally what that looks like is committing even further to deepening my spiritual practice, to have discussions that allow me to examine my biases, to practice setting and honouring my boundaries, to committing to exercising more and choosing higher vibrational foods, to educating myself more and more every day on how I can help others tap into their kindness and curiosity. I recognise I have certain privileges and I’m working on being my best self so that I can help others from a place that is warm and vibrant, not fuelled by fear and separation.

At the very least, I’ll be attempting to gain clarity on what feels true for me - that means feeling into my body and taking what feels good, and leaving what doesn’t. Discerning fact from fiction seems trying in the current state of information. I acknowledge I have been an active proponent of the ‘us versus them” rhetoric, and I am aiming to come from a more understanding place.

If there’s anything you take from this, I hope it’s to consider your own truth and to be more respectful of those with differing opinions right now. Everyone is doing their best, and if we all understood that maybe we wouldn’t be so up in arms.

I’m just angry. And confused. And I know a lot of you are too. Do what’s best for you and focus on the love. Fear keeps our immune systems low. It’s helpful to everyone if you keep your immunity, mood and vibration high. As I said, take what feels good from this and leave what doesn’t. Keep your heart open.

30th April, 2020.

"I just want to tell the whole world about you because you're so amazing".

I said these words to my inner child tonight whilst bawling my eyes out. At a young age she knew she was creative and dived head first into it, learning musical instruments, painting, publishing poetry, and making up the sickest dance routines. But writing was her favourite. Pages and pages of short stories, she'd give them to her English teacher who loved to read them. She LOVED getting feedback, because how else would you get better at writing? Even as she got older she always had her nose buried in books, fanning the inferno of her imagination - so vivid, so wild, so colourful and bright. She would play "House" during recess under the massive pine trees in the yard, building the most intricate and specific floor plans out of the twigs and pine needles under the tree. She loved stories and story telling. Still does.

When I feel like I'm pushing the universe to co-operate and tell me what my purpose is, I'm always met with a brick wall. Just total radio silence. But when I slow down and ask my inner child exactly what she needs, she already knows. I just need to listen.

She's so smart. She's intuitive, she's joyous in her creativity, she's a go getter. She's always been a creative gal.

I've just now made an observation. Dabbling in different things to try and find a career I'm passionate about has been a funny process, because tucked away in the back corner of the room in my mind full of "Potential Meaningful and Rewarding Careers" sits ‘writing’. Just peeking her head out from behind something much larger and more "prestigious". I always think of writing as an option, but it's something I've always kind of done just for me and never thought to pursue writing. (Well I did once, thinking I could be a journalist but that ain't for me.) I've been writing blogs and journaling for the better part of 15 years and I love to do it. In Human Design I have an emotional authority, meaning my emotions guide me so if I'm not "feeling" something, I usually don't take action on it or do it. Same goes with writing, which I think has added to her shyness (in terms of career path) - putting out regular and consistent content has never been a strong point of mine because I have to post meaningfully, meaning for me I have to feel an emotional call to do it. It's gotta happen when my heart is open and I'm ready to create from that place of absolute freedom. When I share my emotions it's an energetic exchange to me, and when I considered those things (getting way too far up in my head), my inner child shies away. "But I just want to write!" she exclaims. "Why do you have to make up so many rules?!"

My inner child... phwoar. She is an energetic powerhouse. She HAD to be creative because where else would all that emotion go? She's mentally active and almost always stimulated (meditation is my saving grace here) so when she's excited, she needs to scream and shout and dance around the house!!!!!! When she's hurting or in pain, crying moves the emotion through my cells and out into the universe to be held by something much bigger than us.

"It's okay. You can relax. You can let go."

I sat down to meditate tonight and listened to my body and my guidance. Tonight demanded a sacred space - we saged and lit a candle, and invited my angels to come in. I could feel a blockage in my solar plexus so mentally asked to address that before we sat down to set our intention. We chose some music - a healing solfeggio frequency and soothing strings. I was not even one minute into my meditation before something started bubbling it's way to the surface - the knot in my stomach perhaps? I had started crying and the only thing I could think to do was clutch my heart, and ask my inner child, "what is it, what do you need?".

For the next 30 minutes I just cried and listened to the messages my guidance and my body were sending me. My angels were all there standing around me, holding space for me and my little lady. My whole body tingled as I breathed deeply and I felt a pull to place my hand on my stomach. "It's okay. You can relax. You can let go" unrolled out of my mouth so easily as if I was speaking it before thinking. Instantly, the knot in my stomach began to unfurl. Muscles I didn't even know I had tensed began to soften. I repeated the mantra. "It's okay. You can relax, you can let go."

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I sat there with my little girl in mind, hand on my belly, just feeling the sensations. I took some deep breaths.

Post meditation, I feel clear and focused. My little girl is hungry, but she's in a good mood.

When I rationalise it, inner child work and talking about my meditation and the moments I keep with my inner child can seem wild but just right. As in, it's an out-there concept, talking to the smaller version of you as if they exist here and now (spoiler alert, they do). And it can FEEL especially strange if you're not open to the practice, but you know it's a good idea. You know some shit went down in your childhood that you probably feel pretty yuck about. Just because you grew up and are an adult now doesn't mean your little person isn't still hurting. That little person is your subconscious mind and they're literally running the show. It’s worthwhile opening up that “bridge of communication” and just asking how your inner child is feeling and paying attention to what rises.

The past two weeks have been super weird for me. I’ve felt so introverted, my soul wanted me to focus on play play play, but all I could really manage was binge watching Netflix shows (something I don’t really indulge in because I have so many things to do normally). I don’t allow myself to relax but my divine feminine was screaming at me to slow down and take a pause.

Brenda, that horrible voice in my head that repeats the stories I’ve created and borrowed since childhood, sounded muffled all week. It was like I had bound and gagged her and she was trying to scream at me through the cloth I’d stuffed in her mouth. I knew she had something to say and I didn’t want to listen - she’s never been particularly nice to me. I kept asking Guidance, my higher self, source, the universe, to tell me why I felt so uncomfortable in my body and like such a hermit (not usual Mallory stylez) and she kinda of just danced around it without really addressing the question.

So internally I felt a bit alone, a bit jumbled, with no real direction. I struggled to tap into my intuition and I felt totally disconnected from Guidance. I was flying solo and I did not like it.

I realised last night, thanks to some great friends who allowed me space to vocalise my feelings of disconnect and confusion, that the message Brenda was trying to yell at me through her gag was that I’m not worthy (see?  Not very nice). With the support of my friends, I took the gag off. The old stories she was repeating sounded like, “nobody cares what you have to say, nobody is listening to you. You’re not worthy of achieving the goals you’ve set, who do you think you are? If you ask for help people will just ignore you because you’re nothing but a burden to them. You’re not worthy of the fun, success, time and financial freedom you’re building in your life. You need to just stay here in your comfort zone with me. I’ll keep you safe”.

Once I heard the message, the tears came pouring out. And once those flood gates were open Guidance slapped her hands together, gave them a vigorous rub and said, “Right, this is where I come in”. I realised I can’t gag one voice (Brenda) without gagging the other (Guidance). They actually work in tandem. Brenda is the bully that pushes you every recess and lunch time, telling you you’re stupid. In reality she’s just trying to get you to stand up for yourself. Guidance is there to show you how, you just need to walk away from the bully and trust that she has the answers (which she always does).

I recognise the stories my Bully Brenda tells me aren’t true and they were created by her (and me) to protect myself, when I was much younger and felt I needed it. I know now though that those stories don’t serve me any more even though sometimes Brenda thinks they do. Guidance shows me that vulnerability is the best way to silence the bully and reshape the stories you’ve been told.. The thing about vulnerability however is that it’s scary. I spent two weeks scared to look inward and talk about my feelings of discomfort. The great Brene Brown says we cannot be vulnerable without uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. Being able to face your bully with courage and to challenge those stories he or she tells you is nothing short of a super power.

I’m super grateful for the people that held that space for me. It allowed me to flex my super power of vulnerability and quiet my bully. Find yourself some good mates that will let you express yourself without judgement, and that support you. Those are the friends that help you unwrap and nurture your super power of vulnerability, and we deserve to change the stories we've grown up with and discard the ones that no longer align with our greatest good.

Wow okay, so about a month since my last blog post. Time flies when you’re having fun I guess.

I’m just gunna go ahead and get a bit word vomitty.

So. I’m going drug and alcohol free. Most likely for good. And I want to share why.

In October last year after about a 12 month break from booze - and I say break lightly because I was a rare drinker to begin with - I started drinking a little red wine with dinner for the health benefits. I mean I do love me some good anti-oxidants. However I’ve realised alcohol is just not for me and I don’t care enough for it to participate. I had my partying fun during my teens and early 20′s but never fully subscribed to the Aussie binge drinking culture. I digress...

The main reasons I decided to give up alcohol include (in no particular order): a) it’s expensive b) it doesn’t taste very nice unless it’s in something sugary c) I hate how I feel when I’m drunk (I don’t like not having control over my body) d) it provides little to no physical health benefits, and e) it used to provide me with confidence and a feeling of belonging that I just don’t need any more.

Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant. It impairs motor and cognitive function. Given its knack for being a social lubricant I had my fun with it as a young adult like most people do, but now it’s not necessary. There’s not much to it than that, really. It’s expensive, doesn’t taste great, hangovers are shit, and I’ve developed a sense of self that doesn’t require boosting with liquid courage. Also, if I’m trying to be my best and healthiest and happiest version of my self there’s just not a whole lot of room in my diet for alcohol. So, cya!

As for the drugs part of it too... that has been a work in progress. In the past two years I totally became a bit of a stoner. I wasn’t shy about it to those close to me and it was definitely something fun to socialise over/with, but the longer I indulged the more of a shameful dirty secret it became and the harder it was to just let it go. I noticed when I consumed weed regularly I became lethargic, short with my moods and snappy, and stopped caring about or chasing the things I usually loved, like gym or catching up with friends. It made me anxious at times, especially in social situations so I found I occasionally needed to smoke to relax so I could be in public.

It was a fun thing my boyfriend and I did together when we started dating, and honestly it probably made us super close, super fast - we spoke openly about so many things when we started dating and we got to know some deep parts of our personalities and histories. Also, it was just fucking fun. Watching movies and eating food and having sex and giggling your ass off is all enhanced and made better when you’re high. But the novelty wore off after a while, and the munchies became binge sessions that gave me worries my previously disordered eating patterns would be ignited again. It also didn’t feel amazing waking up super tired even though I’d just slept for 10 hours because I ate a whole pizza and some poutine 20 minutes before I promptly fell asleep on the couch. For someone as productive and ambitious and health conscious as myself it became more of a hindrance than something fun to do with my boyfriend or mates. I appreciated the social lubricant affect it had (in different ways to alcohol) but ripping daily bongs isn't conducive to the monumental life I want to live and I’ve honestly been trying to kick the habit for a few months. I also had my first ever panic attack while high on edibles. So I’m saying goodbye to weed as well.

Other drugs, well.. I was never really a fan. I’ve always said I’ll try anything twice, but after trying mushrooms and LSD for the first time in 2019 once is most definitely enough for me.

I’m also reconsidering my uni degree. Doing a psychology degree is so full on and time consuming, and although I love the subject matter I’m really struggling to maintain a quality of life with the study hours I need to commit to, especially on top of working full time, gym and my relationships. Even though I’ve tried to discourage myself from “quitting” uni because the time will pass anyway, it’s honestly super daunting to know I’ll be studying for a minimum of six years and have another minimum two years of supervised practice before I can become a registered psychologist. I’m considering looking into youth counselling and what options I have there as I’d love to work with young adults. I really just want to help people take control of their psyche and when I think of my future career I see myself talking on stage to hundreds if not thousands of people. I’m trying to get over the stigma I have surrounding using the terms “coach” or “motivational speaker” but I do believe my career choice will include me mentoring or coaching others in the area of personal development. I know this is in my path because every time I think about what excites me those images and terms come to mind instantly, and at the same time I feel terrified of being successful; the voice in my head starts to tell me I’m not worthy of or the right person for the job. Which is only serves to further fuel my fire for it. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from being a personal development jUnKiE is that that voice inside your head that tells you you can’t do things or you’re not good enough is actually highlighting areas in which you lack self esteem, and therefore must be challenged and overcome so that you can experience radical growth. It tells you exactly where you need to go and what you need to work on. It’s hard to hear the message sometimes because we get caught up in listening to the self-deprecation. We buy into the stories that inner voice tells us about ourselves and our capabilities, but we get to choose what we believe and we get to choose who to listen to. I’m choosing to listen to my intuition and find all the ways the voice inside my head is wrong. I believe I am worthy of success and I believe I have the ability to help thousands of people.

In addition to the bullshit stories, I’m also giving up all the bullshit excuses I’ve made for myself thus far. I believe this wholeheartedly and I’ve said it so many times but I am the creator of my own life, and I am exactly where I am because of the choices I’ve made. And it’s actually bullshit that I don’t even take my own advice. So I’m really working hard this year on making choices that will serve me long term, instead of giving in to instant gratification. I’ll elaborate more on this in another post I think.

Amongst all the chaos going on in the world right now, I figured one way to help the world is to be on my game and my best self every day so that I can help get the best out of everyone else. A little love and kindness goes a long way.

It’s super fucking late and I’m tired. I definitely want to write more on this but it will have to wait for another day. Thanks for reading!

Tonight’s dinner consists of organic cherries and white chocolate, and a tall mug full of iced pino grigio. Plus a frozen pizza I’m just about to put in the oven. This is as indulgent whilst still trying to be healthy as I can be right now. This is my comfort food. Lazy, I know.

Simplify.

This word abruptly burst into my consciousness just now mid social media browse.

Simplify.

I’ve spent all day today avoiding doing an assignment, a complex assignment that’s due in 11 days. Instead I’ve been binge watching TV and playing my favourite video game, holding back tears that come from I have no idea where. I keep wishing my life was different whilst punishing myself for not doing anything to instigate the change. I don’t know what I want, I just know I want things to be different.

I’m reconsidering uni. I know so many people go through this, I know it’s a normal feeling. I’m not even through my first year and I’m second guessing my motivations for starting such a full on course for such a full on career goal. It’s such a long term commitment (potentially 10 years of study and supervised practice on the cards) and as positive and motivated as I try to remain it’s really hard some days to see myself reaching the end of the tunnel. I have no doubt anyone and everyone who has ever undertaken some form of tertiary study has felt this way before. Knowing this isn’t super comforting if I’m honest.

Maybe it’s the delivery of the course. I struggle to passively take in information, I need to be involved and active in my learning environment. It’s how I get the most out of a new experience; by participating. Sitting at a laptop watching videos doesn’t really do it for me, I know I learn better “on the job” - throw me into the thick of it and I‘ll grasp what I need to, quickly. I’m doing my study via the cloud and it’s tough when I’m such an active learner. It could be that, but it could also be... perhaps I just don’t want to do this.

Perhaps it’s the length of the course - no, don’t give up Mallory, the time will pass anyway.

Perhaps I want to help people, but not in this way - not as a psychologist. No, I see how beneficial doing this study and having the degree could be.

Perhaps this is my quarter life crisis and my drive and ambition is scolding me for not having anything tangible to show for it. But even then - what does “success” mean to me? How do I define it? In what areas of my life am I already successful?  Does success mean financial or a sense of fulfilment? Can it mean both? Does it? These are all questions I ponder almost daily.

I’ve been reading books about purpose and values lately. Which is great because it empowers it’s readers to dive deep and find what drives them, what’s highest on their values hierarchy, and to take inspired action towards the goals that align with those values. There’s re-framing perspectives, myth busting and paradigm shifting. All the personal development stuff that gets me jazzed up and excited about life. Reading books like this make it seem simple, but it’s not. It takes hard work to firstly identify, then secondly disestablish the belief systems you were handed as a child, to offload the values you took from others so that you can finally discover your own, and to shift the paradigms you were taught the world operated from. Being open to doing the work shines a light on all the parts of you and your life that you don’t like, and right now the book I’m reading on perspectives and values is doing just that. It’s making me really think about why I do anything and what values drive me to make the choices I make. Are my values even mine? Or did I inherit them from someone else?

I know I have a lot to offer, but I’m not yet sure what I have.

I know I am destined to make a massive impact on the world, but I don’t yet know how to do it.

I’m feeling lost and jaded. I’m ambitious but I don’t know where to focus myself or commit my energy right now. To me, an ambitious person having no direction is like trying to cook a meal without a recipe. Uni right now feels like I’m floundering in the kitchen, just slapping things together and hoping the outcome isn’t too bitter or tasteless. Terrible analogy I know, but I feel out of control and totally unguided, with time pressures piled on top in the form of assignments. My nails have been chewed so far down my fingertips are constantly throbbing with pain. I like planning and structure so I’m feeling overwhelmed by it all right now.

Simplify.

I have an idea of how I want my life to turn out. That’s not to say I’m rigid on the way I want it to happen, but I know about the woman I want to become. I bitch about the same few things and I know I have the ability to just change my life at the drop of a hat - for anyone who knows me well enough I’m sorry you have to bare witness to this. I’m as embarrassed as you are annoyed. I don’t do enough to establish the habits I know will lead me towards this ideal existence, and I don’t take action towards alleviating the things I complain about. Turns out, if I’m being TOTALLY honest with myself, that I’m a little bit of a victim. I thought I’d kicked that habit, but apparently not. I’m going to work on that.

Now that I’ve kind of typed this all out and re-read it, I can see how much I complain about things totally within my power to change. I can find out what my values are if I really think about it - and it doesn’t have to be as painful and turbulent as I’m making it out to be. I can choose behaviours that will bring me closer to living my ideal existence instead of wasting hours watching TV and playing video games.

I’m going to work harder on not being a victim. I’m going to work harder on changing things instead of complaining about them.

Simplify.

Less bullshit social media filling my brain with rubbish when I could be reading a book or studying, or spending time outdoors and/or with loved ones.

Less shitty food, more conscious food choices - more organic, locally grown produce. More getting back into a consistent exercise routine.

More time spent alone with my thoughts so I can understand myself better. A more committed practice to meditation.

More gratitude. More being thankful for what I am already abundant in.

I have a lot to think about. Let’s see where the next 3 weeks take me - probably more, but 3 weeks is apparently how long it takes to establish a habit. In the lead up to the new year this will be a great time to kick start some behaviours. This post feels very “word vomit”-y so hopefully it makes sense. The bottom line is I want to discover the ways I’m destined to impact the world. I want to get started on that right away.

I’ll hopefully have a more positive life update in my next post.

Thank you for reading.

Who do I want to be?

I’m not judging myself here... it doesn’t feel like that. I was just sitting on the couch binge watching my current favourite TV show (”Younger” on Stan, go check it out), and I had to get up. I felt so restless and uncomfortable and I couldn’t figure out why. I still feel kind of icky. The place my sore little feet and legs dragged me to ended up being my bookshelf. My book collection is not as large as I wish it was, and there are so many books I’ve not yet read. I ended up browsing for a minute or two, just taking stock of who I have on my shelf. Lots of personal development books; a book about aliens and the paranormal I impulse bought from an op shop sale; plenty of Jodi Picoult (I just love the way her stories tear you apart then put you back together again) and a few text books for uni, among many others. I reached for one that was tucked away in the corner behind my piggy bank - “Inspired Destiny” by Dr. John Demartini. I’ve been to his seminars and have been fortunate enough to meet him and shake his hand - his teachings have definitely had an enormous impact on me. I realised once I picked up the book that I’d never actually read it - at least not this copy. It is signed by him and although I’ve read this book before I cannot remember what is in it. I’m going to read it again.

One of the things I want to do more often is find time to read for pleasure. I’m always hungry for more knowledge and believe reading books is so important. The uncomfortable feeling I felt whilst binge watching TV tonight stems from a need to feel busy, to feel like I’m doing something that is contributing to my goals. I find it difficult to relax because it feels like I’m “wasting time” when I could be doing something more productive. I dislike feeling lazy and I am ambitious with an idea of what I want my future to look like so I’m often hard on myself when I take time out to do something as benign such as watching TV - and it’s not a habit I indulge in often. The only time I really watch TV is when I’m watching Stargate with my partner (it’s a show we watch together and is part of our cuddle time and connecting, so it doesn’t really feel like I’m being lazy or indulgent). And yes I know it’s important to take time out for yourself, but I truly feel like TV is such a waste of time... most of the time. I mean, I do love a good documentary and sometimes it’s nice to just watch something that’s easy to digest that doesn’t require a lot of critical thinking, especially after a long day. So I appreciate it’s purpose. But 99% of the time watching TV isn’t something I enjoy doing.

That uncomfortable feeling like I was wasting my time had me thinking about what kind of person I want to become... What kind of person I am. I, like everyone I know, am a creature of habit, and the habits we form shape the way our lives play out. The little things we do day in and day out compound over time and impact the long term outcome enormously. Like going to the gym - you’ve got to be consistent to expect any sort of enduring result. Fad diets don’t work for that reason; it’s the lifestyle we live that contributes to our health outcomes. So when I sit on the couch, looking from my phone to the TV, back to my phone, back to the TV, a part of my quiet brain starts to tap on my proverbial shoulder and that uncomfortable feeling washes over me. I could be reading a book and expanding my knowledge, or I could be doing uni work, or I could be meditating. Anything else other than watching TV! Personal growth, as fucking ridiculously hard and uncomfortable and terrifying as it can be, is a something I’m always trying to embrace and even though it can be those things I know it doesn’t always have to be. I can make a conscious choice to seek out my growth and enjoy the journey. Reading, writing, meditating, even study are all things I enjoy and want to do more of.

But it’s the work. The effort that goes into those things. It’s off putting sometimes - especially with study. It sometimes so fucking difficult to set myself up in front of a thick, dense, dry psychology text book and force myself to read it, but once I get stuck into the course material I usually find it’s something I love learning about and before I know it an hour has gone past and I’ve read half a chapter (these chapters a huge, psych textbooks are no joke).

I realise that with anything worthwhile doing there will be challenge, discomfort and self doubt. But the pain we endure by putting off one thing is only easier to endure because the pain we perceive we will experience by actually doing the thing seems so much greater in comparison, even if the outcome of doing said thing is so much more amazing than our current reality. It’s like if you’ve ever broken up with someone - you put off having the break up conversation because you know it will be painful, but you’re persist through the pain of being in a relationship you’re not happy to stay in. Sometimes you’ve just got to tear the band-aid off.

I imagine my future (and current) self to be studious and always seeking to read, know and understand more; to be physically active until I end up on my death bed (ideally); to meditate consistently, and to find the time to read and journal more. These are all things I value and place importance on but I’ve yet to form habits for most of these - I’m not as regular and consistent as I wish to be. That uncomfortable feeling I felt on the couch tonight sometimes paralyses me but it also sometimes drives me to take action. And I’m trying to allow that feeling to inspire me more often.

So I got off the couch and headed to my bookshelf. I am responsible for the way my life turns out, so I’m going to read in bed tonight instead of scrolling mindlessly on my phone. I’m going to meditate because I know I always feel better when I do. It takes a bit of reminding sometimes but I hope to be consistent enough that I don’t have to rely on that pain and discomfort to prompt me - I want the good feelings that come with developing those habits to be what drive me to take action. And in all of this I have to be kind to myself while I take time to establish these new patterns of self care and unlearn old habits that don’t support the future I envision for myself.

Increasing self worth and letting go of judgement seem to go hand in hand here, so this is going to be an excellent time to practice both.

Fuck it, that 28 blog posts in 28 days shit was a bust. I felt super shitty about it for a while, but ah fuck it. That challenge was just for me.

A lot of what stops me from doing anything let alone sharing shit on social media is fear. Mostly a fear of being judge. It’s a fucking universal problem. I judge myself and others, hard. I’m working on kicking that habit (and I laughed today about it because ironically I wrote a fucking blog post about letting go of judgement. Clearly a sore spot for me still).

Let me give you a life update.

I’m three weeks into my new job. I’m a retail store manager and the brand I work for is pretty amazing so far - I’ve already met the CEO, GM and state manager and the GM is local to my store. In my first week I received a thank you package for Christmas (all the store managers got one) and I was so fucking thrilled to be included that the gesture made me tear up a bit. The Christmas party happened that same week and that’s where I met the big dogs. I feel super supported by my manager and the girls I am managing and working with are all just fucking excellent. I’m on a maternity leave contract so I’m only babysitting as far as I’m concerned, but I am feeling more and more comfortable with my new team and employer each day. A big learning curve for me that’s been made apparent straight off the bat is that I need to learn how to flex my “no muscle”. Bending over backwards to please the customer was how we did things at my old employer and my new one is super firm about their policies, including no refunds. Today I spoke to a customer on the phone who asked me to do something that, at my previous job, would have been a no-brainer “yes of course”. I reflexively agreed to my customer’s request today but found myself this afternoon, whilst hanging the washing out on the line, rehearsing how I would have said no to her (which I really should have done). It was an uncomfortable exercise so I know this will take some practice.

Now that I’m a bit more settled into my work routine I’m managing my time to fit in gym (AM) and study (PM), as well as making time for my relationship. I’m pretty blessed and extremely grateful that I live with my partner, but that can sometimes mean I take proximity for granted and neglect putting time aside just for the two of us. I feel like the past few months have been turbulent in that we’ve both had so much going on and lots of disruptions to our respective routines, living and working situations, and study commitments. Balance in all areas has been difficult to manage, but we’re making it work. Gym is one thing I’ll struggle to ever give up as exercising is such a massive part of managing my good mental (and obviously physical) health. Sleep on the other hand - also incredibly high on my priority list. Just like so many people I know I wake up at 5 or 6am and don’t get home until 6pm. There’s meal prep involved and never enough hours in the day. Sometimes I’m too tired at the end of the day to study - who’s genius idea was it to do two summer subjects? But again, we make it work.

Two things I’ve been trying to focus on include how judgemental I am and increasing my self worth. I laughed at something else today which was my post on manifestation. I wholeheartedly stand by what I wrote in that post, I think they’re excellent keys to manifesting, but it’s become crystal clear to me lately that manifestation has less to do with visualising and being positive and more to do with self worth. I judge myself on the stories I tell myself about certain things. For example, money - I really struggle to ask for money when I need it. My mum once said to me (and I’ll preface this by saying I’m the youngest of five kids) that I’m the only one in our family who has never asked her for money. I have no idea why but I feel proud about it - I’ve always been resourceful and as far as I’m concerned money comes and goes. You spend some now, you get some more later. When I completed my full time acting course in 2015 my time to get a decent to high paying job that would work around my study hours ran out and I ended up stripping for the entire time I was at that school. Plus a bit more (fuck it, I enjoyed it). I had to work for my money and my income was never guaranteed, but I always made it work.

Another story I tell myself about money is that it’s shameful to ask for it. When I think about my parents and how they talked and argued about money when I was little I can see where I inherited my money story. When I was younger my parents always had enough to take my older brother and I on weekends away a few times a year but as I got older eventually money got tighter and the arguments became more frequent. I remember waking up in the middle of the night to hear my parents in the kitchen arguing about the fact that my dad was working 16 hours a day to support the family, and that mum was upset he was never home to help out around the house. Living beyond your means wasn’t uncommon in my family. And until 2016 I lived the same way. But I never asked for money - I was too ashamed to be seen like I couldn’t manage my finances. So I did what my dad did and I worked hard for it. But it’s a story I want to change, I want to rewrite my money story. I want to feel worthy of the money that I’m making (and I do right now, which is amazing), but I always want to feel worthy of the money I want to make. I want to empower myself, to value myself to attract the money I am worthy of.

And that’s the next hurdle, the self worth shit. It’s not shit, sorry I shouldn’t say that. Classic sailor mouth over here. The shame I feel around asking for money directly comes down to how worthy I feel receiving it. Borrowing money makes me feel dirty. I hate owing people. The dumb thing is though is that I’ve always paid my debts - I am currently debt free. I’m 30 and have zero debt. I mean, I used to have debt when I was much more fiscally irresponsible but I paid off every cent of it and the only thing I’m paying off right now is... well nothing actually. Not my phone, not my car. And I honestly don’t know many people who are in the same boat. I feel super privileged to be in the position I am right now - I’m saving with my partner to eventually buy somewhere, and although we’re years away from that we have our sights set on that goal. But there’s this glass ceiling that stopping me from earning more than a certain amount and I’m determined to bust through it by taking a stone cold look at my money story and calling “bullshit” on myself. Like, it’s bullshit that it’s shameful to ask for money. I literally ask people for money every single day working in a retail shop - the kicker is I’m providing value in the clothes I’m selling. So when I feel shameful about asking for money for myself, I’m telling the universe that I don’t value myself. Hence my desire to improve my self worth.

I say to myself that I have talents and I provide value to my community, but I am so wishy washy and uncertain about HOW I provide value, and WHAT my talents are. I dream of the day that I can monetise my talents so that I can feel like I’m not working because I LOVE what I do, but I am not certain on what my talents are and where my value lies. It’s because of this wishy washy-ness and this lack of certainty that I’m not living my best life. I have no clue what I want to do, and I don’t feel worthy enough to dive into exploring the things I enjoy - what if I’m not good enough? What if I get judged? What if people laugh at me? What if - what if - what if???? It’s this story of not being perfect at it straight away so why should I even bother? It’s the story of “X amount of people are already doing what you’re doing” so I panic and get disheartened because I’m not reinventing the wheel. There are so many stories and fears that are stopping me from exploring and actively making steps towards living that best life and busting through that glass ceiling.

I have so many friends who are doing exactly what they want to do in the world, and they’re great at it and are remunerated accordingly. They provide excellent value to their communities and are consistent with their approach. The judgement, the judgement is what kills me - the comparing myself to others has got to stop. I see people kicking goals and instead of cheering them on I get jealous and try to ignore it. Or I congratulate them and feel the sting of jealousy anyway. I feel the fear and put them on a pedestal and tell myself it had nothing to do with hard work, but that they were fortunate or lucky. What a fucking load of shit. I’m sorry to any of my friends who are reading this and thinking it’s probably about you - it is, and I’m sorry to admit I’m jealous and have judged you that way. Please know it is one hundred per cent a projection of my own lack of self worth. You’re killing it and I’m... well, I’m trying not to be such a petty bitch.

29th October 2019

I’m questioning why I do anything any more. Trying to dive deeper into my motivations for doing literally anything... trying to be more observant of the stories I choose to tell myself... I’m super tired right now so I’ll have to elaborate on this tomorrow. But I’m being hyper critical, more so than usual.

Feeling reluctant to share. I guess that’s partly the reason I haven’t been blogging enough to meet my challenge. I’m feeling a bit shameful about the way I’m living right now. This is something I can maybe elaborate on tomorrow as well. I just don’t feel great about myself right now and I’m feeling uneasy just trusting the timing of my life.

I think perhaps a change of perspective is on the horizon and some old belief systems are about to be challenged. I can just feel it, I’m about to go through another growth spurt again. It’s probably going to be uncomfortable - I already feel out of rhythm. Good stuff always comes up though.