Big Fuckin Rant

and seriously let’s stop holding videos against people that were taken from an early part of their career or from when they were a teenager- the world has evolved tremendously and if they aren’t making those mistakes now, they shouldn’t be ostracised for their past. Like seriously these people act like they’re never made mistakes in their life… people grow and change.

let’s stop being so fucking hypersensitive

TW- sexual harassment / assault

I convinced myself I was over exaggerating it

even though my breath hitched when he walked by me in the hallway and his eyes burned into me, begging for mine to meet his

even though recalling the story out loud caused rattling sobs to escape me without my permission

even though I change my route through school to avoid him

even though I stay late in the only class I had near him to wait for him to pass my room

because there was nothing ‘serious’ he’d done. right?

when a loud group of boys would pass and my heart would race, and my breath would quicken

what about when he called and called my number, and when he realised I wasn't going to respond

he turned his caller id off and forced me to speak to him

hearing his voice for the first time since 

bringing that night screaming to the front of my mind

I made it clear to him that night

‘I am not hooking up with you’

‘i’m not interested in you more than a friend’

‘I don’t like you like that ‘

but how come he thought he could touch me like that

I thought I made it clear for him

‘ I don't want to go upstairs ‘

‘ I don't want to go upstairs ‘

‘ I don't want to go upstairs ‘

that's how many times I told him

then he replied

‘ its just to talk ‘

lies

the places where he touched me burn

my bum, my breasts, my face

what about the place he made me touch him, the feel of denim, and his disgusting, greedy face

it makes me recoil

I struggled against his advances, but he was stronger than me

he held my drunken head in his hands and kissed me as I cried,

but he didn't care

when I finally escaped his grasp

and went to the bathroom to call my friend in tears and beg for them to pick me up two hours earlier than planned

he was waiting outside the door

a threatening presence 

maybe if I hadn't had that last shot of vodka

I would've been able to made it more clear

but come on

after resisting both verbally and physically a number of times

he should of definitely gotten the message.

there was plenty of people at the party that night, it was a small house, so now here's a message to you

if you hear someone resisting

or see a stumbling girl being dragged up some stairs

or a girl struggling against a forceful kiss

say something 

it will make all the difference

Drowning, gasping

trying to pull air into lungs

but I am on my pink bedspread,

not in the unforgivable blue abyss

not being dragged under by unknown limbs

it’s worse than if it was a huge identifiable creature 

maybe then it could be contained

if I knew what it was

grasping the tearstained grey pillow, dry black smudges from late nights spent too distressed to fall into a blissful unconsciousness

laboured breathing

my vision swimming