MadiliketheBug

We are halfway through our workweek and so many of you have been participating in my #ConnectionChallenge2021. Thanks to Valentine’s Day, we started our week with love on our minds and by today we should be feeling our connections even more fully. With all of that said our mindset around love and connection may still need some shifting. So today, let’s talk about how we talk about love.

There are so many different kinds of connections out there, acquaintances, friends, family, dates, spouses, and anything in between (more on all these fun things tomorrow). They surround us in our life and affect our health. As the saying goes, “we are like our five closest friends.” So, it should come as no shock that in the longest happiness study done to date, the biggest indicator of lifelong happiness is interpersonal connections. Even in business, “it’s all about who you know.” So, if you want more happiness in your life, meeting and connecting to new people may just be the answer. Today I am going to hop into the tools you can carry across relationships to help you improve the ones you have and gain even more of them.

Even though there are many types of connections in our life and we treat them differently, some things stay the same. Whether your relationship is romantic or platonic, these are the skills you can apply; communication, boundary-setting, and common ground. And having these skills can help improve your relationships ten-fold, but don’t take my word for it. Let’s hop into the things you can try out for yourself.  

First, communication. Whenever you ask a couple what they wish they knew before getting married, it almost always comes down to communication. The way we communicate is mostly unique to us, given we all have different genes and life experiences. So, it is important to employ active-listening and practice understanding the other’s use of language. (If you are in a romantic relationship and you want to learn more about specific love languages, I recommend this).  

Often in conversations we can find ourselves hearing but not listening. Active listening is a term that means the listener focuses fully on the speaker (and thus listens and not just hears). So in order to listen better, we need to listen actively.

To practice active-listening, try these things:

Make eye contact - eye contact is shown to improve trust between people

Positive reinforcement - this means small responses or gestures to show you are listening fully

Mentally note key points of the speaker

Reflect back what you’ve heard - summarize what the speaker said as you understood it to avoid miscommunications

Ask Questions

In conjunction with better listening, you may need to be better at communicating with others. Especially when it comes to your feelings or needs. Enter Nonviolent Communication (or NVC). I’ve spoken about this before on my blog, but basically it comes down to the idea that you can communicate your feelings and needs through compassion. In communication, it’s not only about understanding others, but also feeling understood and that is where NVC can help you.

To communicate better, try these things:

State your observations

Say how that makes you feel (without placing blame)

Say what need you have that is not being met

Make your request for how that need can be met

Don’t forget KISS - keep it simple sweetie. You don’t need to go to your friend or partner that you have conflict with and give them a laundry list of observations, feelings, and changes to make. Use NVC incident by incident from a place of compassion and don’t be afraid to keep it concise. Remember, this is about connection not confrontation.

Now that you have better tools for language and communication, take a look at how you communicate with others. What language are you using in your relationships? Do you find yourself placing blame? Do you avoid taking responsibility? Give yourself an honest look and note the things you need to change.

Maybe you are constantly blowing up in anger, anxiety, or frustration because you don’t do the next thing: set boundaries. Setting boundaries is something I struggle with personally (so I did a lot of research). The reality is setting boundaries comes with a lot of benefits, most mentionable being their ability to build your self-esteem and conserve your emotional energy. In my terms, good boundaries create space for your highest self.

To set better boundaries, try these things:

Define your boundaries ahead of time (Like in D.A.R.E when you practiced saying NO to drugs)

Practice saying “no” to those you trust (no justification is needed when practicing a fair boundary)

Use assertive language (refer to NVC to help)

Find support (like a boundary coach or counsellor)

Respect others boundaries too.

Overall, boundary setting will help you improve your contentious relationships. Even when it’s hard sometimes. To get clearer on your boundaries, decide what you say no to (or want to say no to). Whether it be certain kinds of social obligations, toxic people, a topic of conversation, or more responsibility at work, discern what will help you grow and what will hinder it. As an example, I take an hour every morning for breathwork, meditation, and journaling. This is a non-negotiable in my life and my friends and family respect this boundary.

But enough about the relationships we already have. How can you make new ones?

Making new friends and finding new lovers can be tough, especially in our post-pandemic world (wishful thinking). There are still plenty of ways though. When searching for new friends, I highly recommend linking up in a Facebook group online, joining a church or club you like, and meeting (safely) with friends of friends.

To help you make genuine connections, try these things:

Be authentic - you are who you are and that is divine.

Find common ground - it’s easy to like people you have something in common with

Check your biases - you may not realize you are choosing friends just like you, that doesn't challenge you. Look at your friend group and make sure it has variety.  

Try new hobbies or learn something new

The best option? #ConnectionChallenge2021 It’s not too late to join.

In the last few days, I have started something called a Good Day Streak. The last three days have been amazing because of it. On the first great day, I decided I would do anything in my power to keep my life as good as it was that day. I was productive, spiritually in-tune, and balanced the areas of my life with ease. If every day could be like that day, I would make so much progress in no time at all. 

Today, as I’m writing this it is good day three. Today was, as its predecessors, amazing. I realized I have the financial security I used to only dream of (check out my vision board courses to do this for yourself). I spent time with my husband, who did an act of kindness for me today by putting together my new office chair. We got google devices hooked up in every room of my house, which has been a fun new addition to my already great apartment. I even got a secret project in the works. 

Some of the moments I’ve noticed throughout the day that have really changed my mindset include: 

The moment I asked myself, “Where is this stress coming from?” I honored it, but dug deeper and ultimately realized I was feeling financially frivolous. After some logical explaining, I understood really where I was financially and was able to just have gratitude for that state of abundance in my life. 

 When I got home to see my desk chair coming together. Getting to sit in my desk chair and hear I love you from my husband broadcasted to me from the other room. Then, ultimately choosing to work on my lap desk on the couch. 

Being able to come back from crappy moments (like my dog running into my busted knee or getting cut off in traffic) because I was determined to have a good day. 

All of this is to say, it’s time for your wake-up call. Have a great day today because you choose to. Start your morning intentionally good and keep that vibe throughout the rest of the day. Here are some tips and tricks I’ve learned in the past few days. 

Make it a game. I’ve decided to get a streak because all the best games (Duolingo *cough*) have streaks for accomplishing the desired task. If you’re determined to win the game of life by having a great day, you find you ultimately don’t waste time on the little inconveniences. 

If you feel pain, dig deeper into it. Find the root cause and invalidate or soothe it. It was crazy what a little breathwork and journaling did for me. 

Reconnect with your core purpose throughout the day. If things start to seem bad or you notice yourself ruminating, connect with what you are here to do at this moment. Are you making an income for your family? Are you creating art that will touch the lives of others? Are you here to write… whatever the world needs? It’s inspiring to be who you are. 

There are some common threads among the topic of what people want more of. Often they want more money, more mental or physical health, more motivation or discipline, or maybe even more capability within themselves. As a society we are obsessed with wanting more and that’s okay. However, our attachment to it just keeps it away. So, I want to address each of these common lack mindsets, give you some ideas of what your limiting beliefs may be, and provide direct-use affirmations so you can begin changing your mindset and getting more out of life.

This is week two of six and I am covering the topic of health. People want to be healthier. Physically and mentally. So much so they eat a variety of weird diets and obsess over self-care. Propaganda for veganism, paleo, keto, carnivore diet, juice cleanses and weight-loss pills flood the market with promises for a skinner or stronger body. Then weird facials, drugs, and flavored water come into play to cure your mental issues. With the COVID pandemic people have been even more focused on personal and community health. At this point, it is basically an obsession. Especially within the self-development community.

So, what are the leading factors in our physical and mental health? How can we improve our health? And how do mental and physical health work together? Ultimately, what does it take to have quality health?

Luckily for me, there are many agencies that have been gathering health statistics for decades. According to The World Health Organization (WHO), our health is impacted by a variety of social, economic, and physical environments, behaviors and genetics. This means the definitions, feelings, and levels of health will vary from person to person. You will need to determine what will feel best for you.

There are, however, some things that are a good recommendation for the majority. Namely movement, healthy foods, and mindfulness. Then, of course, these things also work for our mental health, but you can add sleep and social connections.*

We can improve our health through improvements in our practices. So, if you’ve struggled with any of these things before, here is a list of resources for each. Books, podcasts, and communities that can help you achieve your health goals.

I hope you find this list helpful in your personal journey for health, both physical and mental. Before I wrap up, I do want to take some time to talk about mental health.

As many of you know, I have a couple mental illness diagnoses. In the last month, over two weeks of my time has been spent working on mindset, healing, and focusing on my mental health. My mental health journey is checkered with different medications and alternative modalities and I’m still figuring it out. Many people with mental health issues have a journey of their own and sometimes it can get hard to push through. They may want better mental health, but be simultaneously frustrated with the process of finding it.

If you are concerned about your own wellbeing or the wellbeing of a friend, these are the steps you should take. You always have the access to the suicide hotline. Making sure to maintain social connections and avoid isolation is of critical importance in this time. When your mental health is in a good place, here are some practices I recommend to maintain it.

Journalling

Mindfulness

Exercise

Time Outside

Routine