#innercircle

I let out the breath in a shaky, confused gasp.

“But- I throw up every day, and I’m nauseous. The stomach flutters-”

“Are all the symptoms.”

My mind raises, confused at everything Madja is telling me. As soon as I started noticing the strange symptoms, I knew I had to come to Madja. She’s the best healer the Night Court has and is always available to help the inner circle.

“I don’t- I don’t understand.”

“You are not ill, Y/N. You’re pregnant.” 

Too many emotions rush through me for me to be able to filter them all at once, but as soon as I come to my senses, I throw a wall up on my side of the bond-blocking Azriel from sensing anything else from me. 

“I’m… pregnant?”

“Yes,” Madja says patiently before revealing some pamphlets. “These are the best midwives in Velaris, in my opinion. They’re all a little different; some specialize in water births or go about the practice in slightly different ways. You can look through these and meet with them before you decide.”

“I don’t understand.” Madja stops speaking when I interrupt her and furrows her brow at me. “How?”

“How?” she repeats, confused, “well, you and you’re mate are having sex, I presume. And when-”

“No,” I interrupt, “No, I know how babies are made. I just- we’re both taking contraceptive tonics.”

“Oh-” is all Madja says for a moment before taking a deep breath and starting again. “Those are very effective but not a 100% guarantee. Not to mention that one or both of you could have forgotten a time or two. There are many ways something could have been affected to cause this, but none of that matters now.” 

She takes another deep breath before continuing. “I don’t usually have to offer this because faelings are so rare to come by, so accidental pregnancies are even rarer, but you do have options, Y/N.”

“Options?”

“Yes. There’s a potion of sorts that I can brew for you. It would get rid of the child without harming you at all.”

“Get rid of?” I ask, the information not processing in my brain. “No- I don’t think- I don’t want to do that.”

“Okay. Then I’ll leave these with you,” she says, handing the papers to me. “And if you have any questions, I’ll do my best to answer them, but a midwife is far more knowledgable in childbirth than me.”

I nod, unable to do anything else, and tuck the papers into my bag.

—

It’s been a few days since I found out about the baby growing inside of me, but decide every attempt I’ve made to tell my mate, he still doesn't know. Anxious thoughts filter through my head one after another as I lay beside him, pretending to sleep.

“You can tell me anything.” The sound of his voice shocks me, making my heart skip a beat in my chest.

“Wh-what?” I ask, turning on our bed to face him.

“Somethings bugging you. It has been for days. You can tell me whatever it is, Y/N. If you want.”

“I do want to,” I say, but I can’t make myself actually tell him.

“Y/N,” his voice is soft as it whispers my name. His hand is gentle on my cheek, brushing away the single tear that has fallen. “What’s wrong, love?”

“I-” I take a deep breath in and reveal my secret on the exhale of it, “I’m pregnant.”

Azriel’s hand freezes where it is brushing through the locks of my hair. He doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t move. I don’t even think he’s breathing.

“Azriel-” he sits up abruptly, cutting off the words trying to escape my throat. “Please-”

“We’ve been taking-”

“Madja says they’re not 100% effective. Accidents happen.”

“Okay,” he sounds eerily calm.

“Okay?”

“It’s fine. This is fine, but we’re both tired. Let’s got to sleep and discuss it more in the morning.”

His voice is so monotonous that I lose the ability to speak. I lay back down on the bed instead and let exhaustion sweep me into the comforting embrace of sleep.

When I awake the next morning Azriel is not beside me. He’s not anywhere in our house, and terror rushes through me with terrible thoughts. Just as the thoughts of abandonment rush into my head, though, Azriel appears in a cloud of shadows directly in front of me.

“What’s wrong?” his voice is higher than usual, panic lacing every rise and fall of it. “Is it the baby? Are you hurt?”

“Wh-what?” 

His hands start roaming my body, tracing every inch of my skin, searching for any injury. Something he doesn’t find. “What’s wrong?” His brow is furrowed, “I felt your panic-”

“Where were you?” I cut him off, anger replacing my fear. “I thought you left, Az. Last night…” I trail off as tears well up in my eyes and look away, refusing to let him see how badly he hurt me.

Quickly though, he pulls me into his arms, squeezing me tightly. “It’s gonna be okay. I’m not going anywhere.” I hear the truth in his voice, and I know he wouldn’t lie to me so blatantly, but I also know there’s something he’s not saying, and when he speaks again, I can’t help but wonder if he’s trying to convince me or himself. “Everything is gonna be okay.”

—

“Okaayy,” Patrice says in her too-high voice, drawing out the word for too long. I have to suppress my smile as she does it because Az has expressed to me many times just how much it annoys him. “Everything is looking good. Your baby is exxactlyy in the position we would expect. They are a liitttle bigger than is normal, but that’s probably just genetic,” she finishes with a small glance to Az but quickly returns her gaze to me. “Everything is perfectly in order, and I don’t have anything else for you today. Any new questions?”

I shake my head, ready to finish this appointment with the midwife and go to lunch with my husband. I already asked most of the questions my soon-to-be mother brain could come up with in the early months. Now six months along, I’m not sure I haven’t read every book on this that there is. 

Azriel’s worse than me, though. I find him with a new book or pamphlet every day, notes in the margins, and sentences highlighted all over the place. He’s always frantically checking on me and trying to do everything perfectly. The look in his eyes always leads me to ask why but he still won’t open up about what’s bothering him, only reassuring me that everything is “going to be okay.”

As we exit  Patrice's office Az lets out a deep sigh beside me, “Remind me again why you had to pick her to be the midwife.”

“She’s the most compatible with my birth plan. And she’s good at her job, even if her voice and speaking mannerisms annoy you.”

“I know,” he grumbles, guiding me toward my favorite restaurant without even having to ask.

—

“Oh, oh, oh!” Mor exclaims from across the store, “You have to get this one! It’s so cute.”

“Oh, that’s adorable,” Feyre agrees from your side as the cute onesie Mor is holding comes into view. It is a dark blue with stars covering it, and the butt has three little mountains and three stars bigger and brighter than the others above them. 

“Okay,” I agree because it is too cute to pass up on, “ but you guys have got to start picking out things with pre-made wing holes. I don’t want to have to get everything tailored.”

“Sorry, Y/N, but I’m not counting how many holes the outfits have. I’m just trying to pick out the cutest things so that your baby is the best dressed in Velaris.”

I laugh at her comment and walk past her on my way to get the items on the shopping list. We spend the rest of the picking out the perfect combination of cute and practical baby must-haves. I pay for the large items in-store but make arrangements to have them shipped to the house I own with my mate and leave with the girls, our arms full of bags of tiny outfits.

When we get back to the house they help me lug everything inside and up to the nursery but then run off to their own homes, leaving me to finally fall asleep in my large and comfortable bed. 

When I wake a short while later, the sun is still up but is steadily making its way toward the horizon. Az is nowhere to be found in our room, so I pull myself from the comfort of the bed and lumber toward the door.

As I walk into the hall, I notice the light of the nursery is on, the door cracked open slightly. I walk toward it and peek my head in, only to find my mate on the floor, a onesie clasped tightly in his grasp.

“Az?” I ask quietly, pushing the door open further. I move to kneel beside him and lift his tear-stained face to face mine. “What’s wrong?”

“They’re so small,” he chokes out. The baby is going to be so tiny. What if I break them?”

“Az-” I try to say something to reassure him, but his eyes grow wide with fear, and all of his panic-filled thoughts finally rush to the surface.

“What if I’m a horrible father? What if I do everything wrong and turn out as bad as my father?”

“Azriel!”

“No! Maybe it’s in my blood. I never had a good father figure in my life. I could end up ruining our feeling’s life.”

“You won’t!” I tell him.

“You don’t know that.”

“I do. I do, Azriel. You are a good male. A good friend. A good mate and husband. You will be a wonderful father.” He’s shaking his head, refusing to look at me. I grip him by the chin and force his eyes to mine, gently stroking the tears from his cheeks. When the steady flow of saltwater has stopped, and he’s still looking at me; I grip his hands in mine and hold his gaze. “Bad fathers don’t worry about whether or not they're going to ruin their child's life. They don’t care. You’re doing everything right. You're trying your hardest to be good, and you’ve already proven that you love this baby, Azriel. That is all that matters. You care enough to try.

“Y/N-”

“Listen to me: everything is going to be okay. I know that now more than ever. I have never felt more sure of you in my life, Az. I love you. And our baby is going to love you. You won’t break them; if a big brute like Cas can take care of babies and hold them without accidentally crushing them, you definitely can.”