maddocxx

"Bonjour! Tis' I! The pink-haired lady in the portrait. " Note: before reading this journal, be aware that it is a reflection with many questions on what the human person is and their experience leading up to the final conclusion at the bottom of this post

Through grit anchored in grace, she made it this far. With a clenched fist, jaws and unshaken determination, she did it. But this time around, she yearned for serenity and tranquillity amidst a battle in foreign lands. She was like the moon with the spirit of the sun.

Allow me to introduce myself; I am maddocxx. My friends call me Maddy, and my family call me M. I love drawing and painting both digitally and traditionally. I enjoy a good book or an anime coupled with a cup of tea, especially when the weather is cosy. I like to keep to myself often, but I do not mind the company of others. I think deeply, and sometimes, I get lost in my own thoughts even when I choose not to. I am like the moon with the spirit of the sun.

WHAT DO YOU NOTICE? WHAT DID "I" NOTICE HERE? One is written like a story, and the other is an introduction in the first-person perspective with the use of an "I" quite often.

The human person is awareness experiencing the unique story of a mortal body and mind.

The First M

Season 1 Part 1

Junior High School, as a private school graduate, everything in a public school was a whole new world. Culture shock, that is how I would describe the first few years. So many new people and experiences, and I could not wait to experience them all. Yet, each one either swelled my heart or crushed who I once was.

Season 1 Part 2

Junior High school was ending. I could not wait to LEAVE. I thought I had seen everything and experienced enough. How disappointed I was in people. From betrayal, expectations and standards. How cold my heart was! How hot my temper was! How bitter I was!

The Second M

Season 2

Senior High School, it was a fresh start for me. My journey changed when I finally decided to choose to believe again. Believe in the goodness of life. How wonderful life is, and I was so young to brood in bitterness. I deserve better than that from myself.

Every day, I thought, "What if today I could make it the greatest day in the world?" and so it was!

"You look Happier" - my mother

What if this was the true state of the Human Person? Was it an attachment that caused me / the experience to suffer so much in the past?

The Third M

Season 3: Part 1

College and the beginning of the pandemic, how chaotic it was! Yet, there I was. College freshman, and I have fallen in love with another human person. The journey was then tinted with roses.

Season 3: Part 2

Heartbreak.

This was when I realized that other people had a life as complex and vivid as my own. Living their own stories with parts they choose not to share and parts, they tell the world. The story that has made them who they are. I lived as if I was the only main character; how arrogant I was! Molding another's story to fit mine. I saw how complex the human person is, yet simple beings too. Why do we complicate the simplest things?

Season 3 part 3 : letting go

Yet despite the suffering, when it passed, I saw that all that was left was love and joy. -

In this life, in moments where I have to make choices, it was me who was building and seeking this experience. Of course, there is what we call fate that chases us, and sometimes we chase it as well. I see that in my journey, I have chosen, I had my regrets, but I have my lessons. And with each decision, I have built a story out of the settings and people for the body I was born into.

What a journey it had been, indeed!

thus, I end this tale with a question I have pondered over:

(summary)

In this journey of two months, somehow I was able to understand more about my self and not only the philosophical, psychological, sociological concepts of the self. This Understanding of the self has become a stepping stone towards self actualization in my life, it was not easy. 

I had to be brave enough to take of the mask that which I wear to get to know who I truly am underneath. I even had difficulty figuring out if my answer to “WHO AM I?” was correct, but somehow the fast impromptu answers in my head it seemed as if they did not satisfy the question. Then it dawned upon me an answer to the possible answers I am going to discover in my life to Who I am,  I am what I love.  I have reflected upon this for awhile and the question “Who am I “ once again.  Who am I? I am the people in my life and those who I have encountered.  I am made from all these people and the memories that remain, that is who I am. That is myself. And These continue to change as I grow with time and sometimes I change it on what i acceptable to me, my morals and values, my heart, mind and soul, because sometimes when we change who we truly are for others it does not always end well.

 I had to be vulnerable to see the flaws I concealed as well - my physical self, it was a very powerful moment for me. my flaws are what made me human; they are what made me real. In this time where so many beautiful souls have been tormented, Loving yourself fiercely and others is significantly valuable as well as being kind and having respect. 

I faced the truth of perception; We have a perception of how we see ourselves from the way we act even to our physical selves. Perception is a very powerful way of thinking, it can mold at the same time it may also break a human being. Asking family and friends their perception of who I am and what do they see, and becoming aware of this sides or versions of me that which I present to the people around me from my home to my community was both surprising for I have learned more about the parts of who I am , Not everyone will have the same perception of me,  I have just acted accordingly.  

I learned the in-depth meaning of “Money doesn't buy happiness”, I know what it means but it was a realization that taught a valuable lesson. though some may joke the luxury of sobbing at your own yacht is much more ideal. I have met people who have everything and still have nothing, and people who have nothing but have everything.  It is never about the material things, its about who the heart beats for.

I broke the chains of illusion. Even if I have social media accounts to keep me connected I have broken the bond that keeps me chained to my phone,  I  realized that social media has created a jealous behavior of illusions, Social media is an illusion, this is only a façade of people and yet it killed people, friendships, values and morals of others. I have refrained from it as much as I could, keeping my life private and disconnect to connect with myself and the people in my life. As well as to do my part for I am a puzzle piece in society, to always do good and to be open with different perspectives.

I stopped running from my fears.  Sometimes it is scary to look back into who you are before, and give it the cold shoulder not recognizing that it was who you were before. I know that we either feel pride or disappointment once we realize whether our behavior matches up with our standards of ideals. Self- reflection is scary, but necessary for growth.

In this journey I have mustered up the courage for myself and understanding the different aspects of me. I have learned that is important to be confident enough to accept and cherish my strengths and weaknesses, not minimize it and hide it. I am doing my best with what I have got from my Spiritual to my Physical self and I am so proud of that, I have grown so much and I continue to grow. I am so proud of me. I am proud of who I am and who I am becoming. In this path that I take in what we call life it is important as well to have patience  and be gentle with myself.

“Taking care of myself does not mean “me first” it means “me too” - L.R. Knosts

 There are days where we feel stressed; overwhelmed, emotional, sensitive, tired , where we have a deep desire for the pain of stress to end. Days as if it so long ang as if it never ends, indeed agonizing experiences. Days as if it was specially created to torment you.

 Don’t forget that you are human not a robot, giving yourself permission to unplug and regroup without feeling guilty. You cannot be there for others if you don’t take care of yourself first. Rest and Self care are so important - I have learned and continue to learn the art of self care, and it is also such a magnificent form of self love. when things feel as if it all too much - I stop and take a deep breath then meditate, sometimes I would even spend the day just reading and taking in my favorite food without guilt, I would even sleep the entire day and night,  cry and even have a melt down to release the bottled up pain then do a pep talk , or I’d go treat myself shopping or to the spa, it all depends. When you take time to replenish your spirit it allows you to serve others from the over flow, caring for your mind, body and spirit is the greatest and grandest responsibility

There are times when I feel as if I have nothing left to do and not doing anything productive as my usual routines, it makes me feel anxious. But sometimes relaxing is the most productive thing a person can do. 

Self care is about getting your power back when you are drained from the exhaustions of daily life, itt is about listening to the needs of your soul and then honoring them. 

September 18, 2020

As Anthony Robbins said “Self awareness is one of the rarest human commodities. I don’t mean self consciousness where you are limiting and evaluating yourself. I mean being aware of your own patterns” 

There are things that I know about myself and things I do not know. My positive and negative traits, my values, my beliefs, my thought, emotions, and inspirations. Looking into one’s self deeply could be a very painful experience for some, where we can’t accept some things. Sometimes it is scary to look back into who you are before, and give it the cold shoulder not recognizing that it was who you were before. I know that we either feel pride or disappointment once we realize whether our behavior matches up with our standards of ideals. 

When I meet people who have known me for quite awhile after some time has passed, some say I have changed a lot, bloomed to something more than I was before and to some it may be something unideal. My patterns change base on my environment, or events that has happened in my life that transformed me to who I am now. My goals, my values, ambition and passion guide me in my daily life and determine the kind of changes I need to do, in this process it is important to reflect well on what my real motivations are and have the humility to learn more. Because I was told before that when you are aware of your thoughts, words, feelings, and behavior, changes in the direction of your future will become possible.

Self- reflection is scary, but necessary for growth. 

*credits to the photo*

September 11,2020

My people and My country has suffered for centuries, though we had our prime we have fallen many times. We may have fallen but we get back up. My country has been one of the most unequal societies in our continent , the rich have become richer, the middle class has grown but remains insecure, and about one-quarter of the population remains poor. As citizens, As Individuals and as humans, I believe that instead of protecting our self interests and desires, we should protect the national interest and do our part. We blame the government and fight against our own countrymen for who supports who and the crab mentality arising thus pulling others down for their opinions specifically political ones. I am guilty of giving up on my country and its people, I have lost hope once, but I have learned from my mistakes of blaming. I realized that I should do my part as well for I am a puzzle piece in society, to always do good and to be open with different perspectives.

My country has the highest usage of social media. I myself have my fair share of usage and well I used to post, share, react and other things you can do in social media. When I  realized that social media has created a jealous behavior of illusions, Social media is an illusion, this is only a facade of people and yet it killed people, friendships, values and morals of others.I have refrained from it as much as I could, keeping my life private and disconnect to connect with myself and the people in my life. I will not deny that through Social media we are connected to those far from us, and somehow I hope that people will use it to a certain moderation. I hope it will not come to a point when people finally look up their screens and truly open their eyes for the first time, it wont be too late to notice what is really happening to our nation.  I hope that Social Media will be used more to unveil truths and what truly matters. I hope that people shall also value discretion and privacy and live more outside their screens.

*Credits to the artist of the photos*

September 11,2020

We associate things with ourselves, the clothes we wear, the shoes, our gadgets and other material objects, it is an extension of of who we are. Sometimes we hold on to things because of its sentimental value and the memory it holds that we find it difficult to let go and hold on to it. Sometimes objects symbolize influence,power and social status.

But “Does money buy happiness?” No it does not. though some may joke the luxury of sobbing at your own yacht its much more ideal. I have met people who have everything and still have nothing, and people who have nothing but have everything. As I have searched for the true meaning of happiness in my life A good man told me once, that his family may not have much though they had what they needed. They had memories, feelings, laughter, tight hugs and smiles. They spent money on experiences and not material possessions. They had kindness, generosity, humility and integrity. I was fascinated, they had each other, they were indeed rich because they were happy.

It is never about the material things, its about who the heart beats for.

September 11,2020

This class made me feel like it was safe space, something which most academic institutions fail to do. I feel as if I am not judged for my answers if it is right or wrong nor was I afraid to mess up. Tackling over the spiritual self gave me the courage to continue my practice in meditation while reciting my mantras.

I stopped meditation because I think deeply, I always think about everything that you never imagined to think off. Moments when I fear the power of my own emotions that I cannot tell what they are.

I opened my journal and started listing my mantras. through meditation I have learned the power of the mind, here I ask for healing, peace of mind, to calm the storms in me, and for the light to engulf me as I cleanse my soul and ground myself. I know how powerful thoughts are, because everything begins and ends with the mind and what I give power to has power over me if  I allow it. This journey was journey that took a lot of courage and patience with myself as I find my purpose and through meaning. I have come so far and now I have released this burden in my chest so that I may breath again.

Everything is going to be fine she reminds herself. She took a deep breath, inhaled the light of calm and exhaled the darkness of chaos.

- st.elysian

September 9,2020

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"

When I was a child I was just me, yet I loved who I was and I did not care what society thought of my body or my face. I played in the sun and enjoyed who simple life was for a child. Growing up we get a sense of consciousness, what was acceptable and what was not. I was always thin as a child and when people commented on my body I ate with vengeance, and as I became a teenager I started to gain weight and people commented I was fat. I look into the mirror and think " what have I done?". There are days when I could not bear to look into the mirror, and times I would be like Narcissus staring upon my reflection admiring my beauty. Yet the only time I thought myself “ugly” was when people told me otherwise.  Words are more powerful than we realize and it can make or break a person.

The idea of Beauty today is extraordinarily distorted with society telling us how we should look like. Sometimes we obsess over these standards that it makes us ugly, which distorts us on the inside.

There is beauty in everything and everyone, it may be subjective The only time a person is ugly is when their soul has no depth of kindness and respect. We are our own definition of Beautiful, There is the beauty of the mind, the richness of our spirit and the tenderness of the heart. We are beautiful not only for our looks but for our soul. We are beautiful but the physical beauty never stands a chance against how breathtaking the soul is. Most importantly we must be gentle with ourselves in this journey, in realizing our true beauty and accepting ourselves. Some my choose to change themselves and that is alright, what matters is the happiness and fulfillment they feel that harmonized their heart, soul and mind.

In this time where so many beautiful souls have been tormented, Love yourself fiercely and others. Be kind and have respect.

August 28,2020

We have a perception of how we see ourselves. Perception is a very powerful way of thinking, it can mold at the same time it may also break a human being.

There were so many parts of who we are that we are yet to understand the role they play on creating what we are, theories by ancient to modern philosophers, from Socrates to Descartes in order to harmonize are thoughts pondering on our questions about our identity and to understand ourselves. Through perception we are able to piece together the puzzles of our identity.

We were given the task to create a collage or meme about how the people in our lives see us from their perspective. Ideas started forming in my head.

First I made a list of who I would ask, I started with my mom, she told me that I was temperamental and child like most especially if I was hungry. In my parents eyes I was not 18 but always their little girl. I then asked my friends, some said I was intelligent, smart, fierce and reminded them of our philosophy teacher in high school, some of them hesitated. I asked my siblings I am the eldest and they saw me as a Tigress, fierce and sometimes like a professional WWE wrestler. We would get rowdy sometimes and rough housing would occur when the parents weren't nearby. I asked our neighbor, She told me that I am seen as a prim and proper lady, always composed and behaved. For a moment i thought she was describing a princess. finally asked someone close to my heart, I was told that in his eyes he saw me as an angel.

August 21,2020

What is the self? What is it a product of? What is it made up of? Where is it from? What are the factors that will change or improve it? 

It was mean’t to be the second meeting in our class “Understanding the self” and yet we could not have a synchronous meeting because of national holidays in our country. Instead we were given questions to answer and reflect upon and I turned in this:

The self is what makes an individual. According to Sociology, The Self can be seen as a social actor who acts in the presence of others and shows traits by actions. Second, self is a motivated agent, acting on inner desires and formulating goals, values, and plans to guide behavior in the future.  Long before we had mental concepts for our Self—or even had the use of language—our visceral sense of self was developing through experimentation and repetition, those were used for survival. The Self is volatile and fragile, shaped by its social influences from family, education, society and other social relations that may change or improve it. In family we are molded, here we learn our values, morals, discipline, habits and traditional practices that shape our individuality, in that process we are being educated in a variety of areas that we need to learn. As we enter the world of society we modify ourselves or the “Self” to what is acceptable to us and society.

I did my readings on our class material and those were my conclusions for formality and to make sure I got the right answer. I have reflected upon this for awhile and the question “Who am I “ once again. 

August 14,2020

It was our first meeting in our “Understanding the self” class, as the usual we had introductions. Our professor was brilliant and her approaches did not send you running for the hills, since the stereotype for college professors was that they were intimidating and the kind to eat you alive. After I registered my name in her class registration, (i did it twice to be sure) Professor W. gave short introductions about the self.

The “SELF” is a product of what you are,what society expects you to be and what experiences you have had. It may sound simple but when you dive deeper into that philosophy of the self you will rethink whether what you know is the truth. Questions you thought you have answered before may seem like they are not the answers you have searched for. 

We were asked the question “Who are you?”, Who am I? I looked back to my experiences, my hobbies, my social life. The first thing that came to my mind was I love books so I typed in the chat box  “A bookworm”, really? that is all i got? Others places something more like “ I am a strong independent woman”.

After that question we were tasked to design a creative name tag that describes ourselves and answers the question “who am i?’ in 45 minutes. I opened Canva and stared at the blank canvas pondering on the question, who really am I? I am a feminist, a student, a bookworm, an artist, a muse, a daughter,an amateur violinist  and thoughts like that entered my mind, but somehow it seemed as if it did not satisfy the question. Then it dawned upon me an answer to the possible answers I am going to discover in my life to Who I am,  I am what I love. i i designed my name tag with the things i love and love to do, of course there is literature, classical arts and music, painting, and sketching. These made the chaos in heart, mind and soul calm, and created harmony within myself. It is part of who I am and it is Who I am. it is subtle in the design but if you look well you’ll see it.

He looked up in the sky and watched the birds take off. “I wonder what it’s like to have wings?”

She turned to him and said “You should know you’re the angel”