lvvndr

Except Izuna is alive and well; it's all an elaborate ruse for busting open a very big corruption case that had the (un)fortunate side effect of making Tobirama realize things. Izuna could just temporarily be in witness protection and they just told everyone he died in a very big explosion idk

So one day Izuna is bored out of his fucking mind in witness protection in the middle of fucking nowhere and he's just bedrotting and doomscrolling and he comes across the post. It doesn’t really take a genius to figure out that it’s about him and the identity of its OP.

He spends all his time microanalyzing every tiny detail and interaction (bless his photographic memory). Not one to be outdone in ANYTHING, he begins orchestrating bizarre happenings and leaving cryptic messages for Tobirama, sending him on a wild goose hunt that has everyone thinking he’d become conspiracy pilled.

Then the final clue fits in place on Tobirama’s birthday and he finds the thing all the evidence is pointing him to and its just a racy photo of Izuna with "hbd u ugly fukc" written on the back. It takes him a second but he weeps with joy before he even can stop himself.

On the photo, Izuna made sure to position a newspaper dated post his alleged death riiiight between his legs to a) show Tobirama "look I'm not dead!" and b) to force him to really look 

Tobirama, with a hard-on: God I fucking hate this asshole

Tobirama joins the case that put Izuna into witness protection and goes extra hard on pinning the bad guys so Izuna can come out of hiding. Once it's all over however Izuna acts like none of it happened bc seeing Tobirama losing his marbles makes him >:} 

Little does Tobirama know Izuna would love to receive a proposal in the form of a riddle hunt, just like the one he gave Tobirama. Which he eventually figures out because he's smart. It was Mito. Mito figured it out and beat him over the head with it. 

They get married but literally nothing changes re: how they act in court, everyone thinks "tbiz got married" is some weird baseless rumor. Tobirama invites coworkers over One (1) time and everyone is shocked to see Izuna there, watering their flowers or something cute and domestic like that.

Coworkers: he just told you he'll dismantle your case so hard they disbar you on your way out of the courtroom. That wasn’t even 5 hours ago!  Tobirama: yeah sorry i told him to tone down the pda he never listens :| 

All of them fall silent bc an entire movie of the pair roasting each other to Hell and back plays in their minds and they all wonder if that was all basically foreplay

(it was)

Then once word comes out they stop letting them go against each other bc conflict of interest or whatever which leads to the tobiizu divorce arc only so they can face each other in court again

Izuna: divorcing you made me kinda horny ngl Tobirama: … I’m free this afternoon.

They keep remarrying and divorcing bc they’re freaks like that

Izuna, screaming: I Want Another Divorce! re:the mildest inconvenience Tobirama: sigh do we really have to do this again? It's so time consuming. I can whip you without getting a divorce Izuna: IT'S NOT THE SAME.

Tobirama gets him coffee with 3 sugars instead of 4 and now there are divorce papers on the table. They have an entire stash of pre-filled copies. They're on a first name basis with the clerk who files the papers. They gave a speech at her wedding. Izuna invites her to go dress/suit shopping every time they get remarried. They are her child's godparents.

When they’re married they are not any better. Like at all. 

Izuna: Well my 3rd husband promised to always cook for me Tobirama: well my 5th husband promised to blow me whenever I do Izuna: WELL MY 8TH HUSBAND– Everyone: What is going on. How many times were they married before? What does that have to do with anything?

They only remember all this bc Izuna has a photographic memory and Tobirama has a spreadsheet kink. If any of their friends and family don't show up to the weddings they make it into a big ordeal. They show powerpoint presentations at every wedding, calling out all the people who didn't attend their last wedding.

Hashirama has never missed one. He loves them. With every invitation he's crying tears of joy like it's the first time. Madara receiving an invite to Izuna’s 17th wedding to the same guy: 😐 fuck this I’ll just send a card.

Hashirama is also kinda maybe running a gambling ring on their divorce/marriage cycle. Tobiizu find out, Tobirama wants to reprimand him for it but Izuna thinks he should just split his earnings and in exchange they'd keep him updated. Madara busts them for insider trading. (bc they didnt let him in on it.)

Maybe the brothers are the first Uchiha to go into law instead of crime? So all their dead relatives are like hell yeah our criminal genes are NOT dead

(No one is wise to Mito’s Annual Bingo centered around their wedding(s).)

The weddings become family events. Both families go so hard on it. When they're married the respective partner is treated like one of their own, when they divorce they cheerfully bring out the scorned ex-spouse we "never" liked treatment. It's all in good fun.

Hikaku: hey Izuna just wondering if your next divorce is gonna be around the holidays bc im buying gifts and i need to know if Tobirama will still be my BIL by then

At the next wedding, there is an entire slideshow just blasting Madara alone. The crowd boos and Madara swears he’s never attending again. 

Speaking of, time to move on to the big brothers for a little.  Madara is a detective, one of those broody guys who sit alone in a pub after his shift ends, lamenting the evils of humanity…

but one of us has to do the right thing....... And it's me.

Hashirama is the bartender & that's how they originally meet, before tobiizu even graduate law school. He keeps giving Madara beer for free; Madara tells him he's trying to quit smoking and Hashirama is like i’ll give u a free beer for every pack you dont smoke! which like... good intentions, horrible execution

At the same time Hashirama is like: wow but he's so hot when he's smoking… :(

Hashirama also lives above the bar and so he tries to get Madara wasted on purpose.... So he can be the savior and have him crash at his place…

Madara ofc quickly figures it out. He confronts him one day and watches him stutter and fumble for 15 whole minutes only to admit his "horrible shameful ulterior motives": He wanted to tuck Madara in and make him breakfast bc he looks like he doesn't sleep or eat well.

Hashirama: otherwise you wouldn't ever eat anything healthy TToTT

Madara is like "..." and spends the night over. Hashi wakes up at 5 am to get the freshest ingredients and spends all morning fussing panicking upset about fucking up the eggrolls (they were fine) and how he’s so sorry for feeding Madara such terrible food.

Madara: my breakfast is cigarettes and stale coffee anything you feed me is an upgrade you moron (affectionate) Hashirama: well... Perhaps... If you'd let me... I mean.... Maybe I could....... I mean........ If you want........................... DINNER?!???!?!!? Madara: …………….Steak. Medium rare. Don't fuck it up. I finish work at 8. Hashirama: booking the best 5-star chef to teach him as they speak

But then he would stress about it so much he does fuck it up and when he picks Madara up, he's in tears bc he thinks this was his only chance

Madara: He's so stupid.... i have to have him.

Later on Hashirama would make him bento boxes and drop them off at the station. Everyone starts speculating what kinda tradwife Madara bagged. Until they spot Mr. 2m tall broad and buff and handsome and goofy with the world’s most charming laugh, and it turns to literally no one understanding why Hashirama is with him.

Chief is so grumpy and broody and hell to be around... how is he in such a wholesome relationship....

But then they start stalking them a bit. And watch Madara suddenly be a gentleman, they discover a whole other side of him and it's kinda scary. Holding doors open for Hashirama, sharing the bento, feeding him, sending him reminders for important appointments and stuff bc Hashirama tends to forget, telling the restaurant ppl he asked for no pickles. When they still put pickles, he fights them on Hashirama's behalf. Hashirama talks and Madara sits there like

the cadets discover their chief is capable of smiling. Miracles were real. Madara dislikes that, so he tries to be extra grumpy. But then he has to take over some big case and barely gets any time for himself, let alone for Hashirama

So at one point they organise a candle light dinner at the station for them, and just lock Madara inside so that he has an excuse for why he can't leave and do his work, and from then on he's a tiiiny bit nicer to them. For their birthdays he gets them cards that say "I tolerate you", "you are an ok officer" and "your presence does not make me want to shoot myself", and the fan favorite: "you're not fired (yet)"

They frame the cards.

Things get really funny/weird with tobiizu in the mix tho..

Tobirama comes to ask for evidence one day and Madara makes his life hell.

Madara: this is for that PowerPoint presentation you little shit i know it was your work Izuna would never use times new roman in a slideshow. Tobirama: but do you really think those cliparts were my work? Madara: focus on your own predicament, brother in law. Don't worry about Izuna. He's getting his own comeuppance. Tobirama: oh yeah? Be careful tho... I know your weak point...... It's Hashirama. And nothing would hurt him more than me saying I'm on a meat-only diet now. Madara, horrified: You'd hurt your own brother just to get me?! Izuna was right. You really are an unethical mercenary of a lawyer! All the other cops around them: w-what is going on. Should we call for help Tobirama, smashing his fist on the table: IZUNA SAID THAT? fuck that's hot. already planning to remarry him

Madara books him for destroying police property

Izuna comes to bail him out but ultimately doesn't bc he thinks it's hot to see him behind bars. (also they’re divorced currently, he can stand to suffer a little)

They both make a point of needling him till he loses his patience. 

In the background, Mito is making a phone call to the only person who can stop this mess and Hashirama has to come to calm them all down. He retains his canon "Hashirama The God of Shinobi" glare, but like... rarely ever uses it, this is one of these rare instances.

Everyone stands in front of him looking at the ground in shame

Hashirama: Madara, he didn't even break the desk. Don't be so mean!!  Izuna, stop taking photos of Tobirama behind bars, i don't think that's even allowed here! Mito, you should have called me much earlier!! Tobirama......... What do you mean meat-only :((((((((((((((((

They all walk out of the precinct like scolded children. Except for Tobirama, who walks out with a fruit basket, and Hashirama will be expecting daily updates about his fruit consumption or he's gonna escalate his intervention

At one point Izuna gets really pushy with Madara about attending the next Wedding. Unbeknownst to him, it's his wedding to Hashirama, which he only learns when he shows up. He spends the rest of it bragging about how it'll be his first and last wedding unlike some people–

Meanwhile Izuna and Hashirama have already come up with another business plan that Madara will not like...

Mito: Madara, I have spoken to your ancestors and they want me to tell you......To stop being such a fucking killjoy. Just divorce Hashirama, get the bag, and then you can remarry next year Madara: It's about the principle woman! Also My ancestors were all criminals! I'm not taking their advice!

Fun extras:

Mito is friends with both the Uchiha brothers (Madara doesn't know he's her friend tho)

She has a forensic psychology degree, though she returned to Uzushio to complete her spirit training and didn't want to give up on her now dying culture. Her work with Tobirama lets her dabble in both sides of herself and she loves it.

Hashirama has a mysterious past from before he was a bartender that he never speaks about. Some of his skillset is not things your typical bartender would know. whenever he's asked about it he just says he "retired early"

NOW, as we all know, my boy has about 8 seconds of screen time, seasoned by about 5 crumbs of other information pulled from data books (some of which seem to be wrongly translated or simply contradict each other (aka kishimoto forgot his own canon and kept making up new answers for the same questions)).

So then, how do we even land on a personality for him?

Well, we take the few crumbs we have, combine them with General Uchiha Behavioral Traits™, and build the rest around the two characters that were closest to him (that we know of): Madara and Tobirama.

So let's start with what we know.

- Izuna is one of 5 siblings; the only other one we know anything about is Madara. Madara is obviously the older of the two, but that doesn't tell us anything about the age of the other 3. Personally, I subscribe to the headcanon that Madara was not the oldest of them; imo he's giving middle-child-turned-clan-heir vibes. That would put Izuna as either the second youngest or the youngest (which is the hill I live on). Whichever one you choose to believe; this probably means he was way more spoiled than Madara, and potentially the other brothers too (sorry to all the youngest children out there lol, in my defense I am one of you).

- My boy was built like a stick. What does that have to do with anything, you ask? Well, less mass means less air resistance means more speed, and he was said to be one of the fastest shinobi of his time (we will come back to this later).

- He refused to join hands with the Senju until the very end. It was never explained why, though there's a few viable reasons I can think of. Maybe he thought the Uchiha would never be able to just let past grudges die; maybe he thought the Senju/other clans would always be hostile towards them; maybe he thought Madara was just wearing rose-colored glasses when it came to Hashirama and didn't want him to make half-baked decisions out of desperation. (My personal current work theory, though, is this, if you care.)

- He looked a lot like Sasuke apparently. Why is that important? It's not really; all that tells us is that he was probably very popular with the girls (and the boys) (like Sasuke) (wink wink) and that's a fact I like to triple down on :)))

- Miscellaneous other tidbits I don't really have anything to say about but are still worth mentioning: he was said to have gained his Mangekyou Sharingan at the same time as Madara, further hinting at just how close those two were (committing murder together 🫶 aw), he was insanely good at kenjutsu, and one of his hobbies was "training with Madara" (lol nerd). He also had something of a superiority complex regarding his sharingan lol. I mean, is he wrong?

Now let's continue on to General Uchiha Behavioral Traits™. The Uchiha are mostly known as strong, diligent fighters, they're very family-/clan-oriented, and famously very emotional. They all share a fire nature, which supports that notion as well. Entering headcanon territory now: a lot of people like to make them a very artistic/artisanal clan; I personally think this lines up nicely with their fire nature too, which would probably make them crazy good blacksmiths, while their sharingan would enable them to produce intricate artwork/embroidery.

Continuing on to our next point; how would his personality be shaped by and around Madara’s? (In case you can't tell, we're now entering headcanon territory)

I like to think he complements Madara in a lot of ways. He was his right-hand man after all; it would make sense, then, for him to be good at the things Madara isn't good at, and vice versa. The same, in some ways, and entirely opposite in others.

Let's circle back to their childhood first; as the heir to the Uchiha clan (whether born or made), Madara was very likely subjected to more rigorous training; stricter rules; harsher punishments. Izuna was clearly not far behind in the training department, but I would like to believe that he probably had a lot more free time to go and do other things whenever Madara had to learn about diplomacy and politics, or had to sit in on clan meetings. Don't get me wrong; Izuna probably had to do all these things too, but to a lesser amount. So then, what would an innocent young child do while all the adults were having Adult Business to attend to, and his only remaining brother was also not available to keep him occupied?

Shenanigans.

Whether out of boredom or for attention, or maybe a bit of both; kid!Izuna was a prankster. He probably got away with it too, most of the time; partially because, well, who can blame him? Poor little one wants his dad's attention too; and also, have you seen him? He's so cute.

Anyway—

As any other younger sibling, Izuna at some point probably had a phase where he thought his big bro is the coolest person in the entire world, and tried really hard to be like him. More calm, more serious, more reliable—more like a clan heir. This, for me, is the point where their personalities really start going in entirely different directions:

If you look at it objectively, it took Madara a HELL of a lot of shit to be thrown at him before he cracked. It literally took the death of all 4 of his brothers AND the clan's betrayal.

Izuna? Yeah, he didn't have that much capacity. He probably cracked way earlier, and everyone learned the hard way that bottling up emotions simply wasn't for Izuna. Thus, he became a yapper. And not just that; he became a complainer.

Because, see, Madara couldn't ever complain. As the (future) clan head, he was supposed to stay calm and diplomatic; level-headed and logical. He couldn't let his emotions take over every time he disagreed with someone. But Izuna could, and so he did it for both of them. He could read Madara like an open book, and one tiny flinch was enough for Izuna to know he was on complaining duty.

Luckily for him, he was a lot better with words than Madara.

I don't think Madara believed in sugar coating things, or sparing people's feelings. He had better things to do, and if someone couldn't take the truth, they shouldn't be in a high-ranking position. Not everyone, of course, liked that attitude.

This is where Izuna came in. He had a pretty face, and smooth words to go with it. He knew how to get what he wanted, and he knew how to make people believe it was their idea to give it to him.

When the clan needed a strong, imposing leader, Madara was there to do the job. If they needed a smooth-talker, someone versed in the arts of manipulation and trickery—that was Izuna's job. He could insult people in ways they only realized were insults days later.

So much for his personality off the battlefield; now let's talk war.

When it comes to battles, I think their skillset is also very different. Madara, to me, is brute strenght; there's no need to be quick if you can just one hit kill everything in a wide enough area, right?

Izuna, one the other hand, enjoyed hunting his prey. He was slender and nimble and honestly didn't look very intimidating, which is exactly what made him so effective. That—and his genjutsu.

(This is the hill I have built a house, got married and made beautiful Uchiha children on btw so strap in)

His prowess as a manipulator, along with his quick wits and sharp tongue and vivid imagination, make him THE scariest genjutsu user, hands down. My two favorite headcanons for his genjutsu are a) an area-of-effect genjutsu that basically immobilizes the entire battlefield and digs out his enemies worst fears; or b) making you hallucinate an entire fake life in your mind, only to take everything you thought was real away from you (google "lamp story"—shout out to blue for this, its the sexiest string of words anyone has ever uttered). Of course all of these would come at a huge cost (aka going blind), but his normal genjutsu was probably jarring enough to give any reasonable person PTSD anyway.

On to our next section!

How would his personality be shaped by and around Tobirama's? (Small disclaimer: TobiIzu is my OTP so yes, this section will be tainted by my delulu glasses, lol)

So let's start with the bits canon gives us—which are their battles.

It's heavily implied imo that Tobirama and Izuna were paired up because that's how the power scaling ended up working out. Butsuma VS Tajima; Hashirama VS Madara; Tobirama VS Izuna. Nobody else was strong enough to take any of them on and potentially survive.

Tobirama and Izuna were pretty much evenly matched, which once again brings us back to his speed. Tobirama is famous for his speed. Izuna was the only Uchiha at the time who could keep up with him. Hence: Izuna fast as fuck :)

Honestly, I think Izuna was technically the stronger of the two. It just makes sense to me; why else did Tobirama have to invent new jutsus left and right? To keep up with Izuna. "But wait!" you might say now, "Didn't Tobirama kill Izuna?"

Yes. And he was surprised about it lol.

So this, to me, implies that he a) didn't expect to land a proper hit in the first place, and b) didn't think their healers (if they even had any) were so shit they couldn't even heal a hit to non-vital organs.

Anyway, back to the point lol. The point being that Tobirama, Mister Mad Scientist, Mister Necromancer-on-the-side, needed someone that could match his freak. And I don't even mean that in a shippy way; he needed someone who could keep up with his inventions, who could keep him engaged, who could give him new ideas to try. Who had enough imagination himself to come up with ways to counter them.

I really, truly think they both enjoyed their fights. I think they enjoyed going all out without their enemy immediately kicking the bucket. I think they enjoyed trying out new things, new techniques, new counters to get the upper hand. I think they enjoyed the thrill of it all.

I also think neither of them really actually wanted to kill the other, but alas, this is what war is ultimately about.

Now personality-wise; this is where I will have to enter ship territory, though I guess you could always read it as platonic. (it's not but. You could. Lol)

While I wouldn't describe Tobirama as cold, he's definitely more subdued than, say, Hashirama. He's the serious one, the logical one, the composed one. Which is why it makes it so much more fun to push his buttons :) and who would be more perfect for that than the spoiled prankster who likes to complain very loudly about every single little thing he dislikes?

Just like with Madara, I think Tobirama and Izuna are polar opposites in some ways, and extremely alike in others.

Izuna speaks when Tobirama is quiet. Izuna acts when Tobirama thinks. Izuna tells the waiter Tobirama ordered his burger without pickles, when Tobirama says it's fine and not a big deal (joke of course, but you get the point).

Yet at the same time, they're both the little brothers who love their siblings dearly and would kill and die for their clans. They're both realists who stubbornly stick to their opinions no matter what.

In that regard the brothers mirror each other; one more quiet, subdued brother (Tobirama and Madara), and one more loud, opinionated brother (Hashirama and Izuna).