A Shallow Uncanny Valley

I used to use this account to talk about things I didn’t feel comfortable telling just everyone. To allow myself to be negative or frustrated, although that wasn’t all I did (I hope). I haven’t felt like I needed that in a long time. 

When I think about the fact that only a few short months ago I was banging out long complaining rants about how lonely and uncomfortable and frustrated I was. Now that I generally don’t...feel that way, anymore, and I ask myself what’s changed?

Attention. That’s what changed. People are talking to me and giving a shit.

And I think, really? That’s it? That’s what I needed? Am I that petty? Is strutting what I’m about?

(Found in my drafts. It’s funny because this was from about...4 months ago? In light of the post I made on my lunamanar account recently, the contrast is interesting.)

In spite of all my recent kvetching about anxiety, I really am doing okay, I think. I’m tentatively more comfortable talking to people about fandom things, and I’ve been pretty engaged lately on that front. I think that’s good, but I also just have this constant worry that if I talk enough, everyone will start to think I’m full of myself or elitist or a braggart, or...something. Like, I never ever ever want to come off like I think I’m an authority on anything. I never want anyone to feel creatively (or personally) shut down or belittled because of something I said. I don’t want people to idolize me, and I don’t want anyone thinking that’s what I want. I don’t think I deserve that. I hope no one thinks I do.