every song is about you

the thing about phone in bed is that it's so awesome. almost makes you feel like betraying & destroying yourself for nothing isn't all so bad

sources say there are muscles in the back of my neck. and they want to kill me

i used to strongly resist this reading but i've actually come around to the idea that shane is imagining ilya jerking off in the shower so he can get off with rose, rather than the shower scene being something that actually happens. and i've come around to this reading because i think it's soooooo gut-twistingly angsty to imagine that shane doesn't let himself imagine the two of them together. he doesn't get to think about ilya kissing him or touching him or moving inside him because that's over. he doesn't get to have that again. this is what he has now. and he can go somewhere else in his head if he has to, he can let himself fantasize about ilya because he's weak, but he has to think about ilya furious, cold, punishing. untouchable. because shane left, and he can't go back, and he knows now that ilya wouldn't want him even if he did.

One side of the argument says hollanov fucked rough and nasty in the tampa hotel, the other side says it was slow and tender but we don’t have to fight. We can have both. They can fuck twice. I’m so serious. I don’t think they talk much, the first time. Let alone first names. It’s a physical reunion made potent by the unsaid things, fast with just hands and mouths searching for the other. Then they talk, sprawled in bed. Just small talk, catching up. They’ve missed each other so fucking much, and something is different now, a wall torn down. The second time is slower, Ilya putting Shane on his hands and knees like Shane likes but going slow, taking their time. And then they do it a forbidden third time after they’ve showered, both shaking and oversensitive when Shane pulls Ilya back inside him, face to face, and Ilya says something in Shane’s ear so soft and whispery enough that Shane pretends he doesn’t hear it, to spare himself and also to spare Ilya, because it’s enough that Ilya says it at all: Fine, you’re right, Hollander, you win Shane, you fucking win, Shane…

logging onto tumblr like heyyy i'm thinking about the same character i've spent the past few weeks thinking about. no change here. just wanted to let yall know